I (25) dated a guy (30) for about 2.5 months. He introduced me to his friends (all couples) very soon and we got along so well. He and I even went on a weekend trip together with some of them. It felt like a big family. They were so happy for us and already called us girlfriend/boyfriend. We share some hobbies and could talk for hours. Also two of them only live 1 minute away. The guy once encouraged me to meet up with them alone so I did and it was awesome!
But unexpectely two weeks ago he dumped me bc he wasnt ready for a relationship. Boom. Contact broke off. While I do miss him a lot I accept his decision. But I also mourn the potential friends I could have made. I think about contacting them and asking to meet up without him.
Would that be very rude to ask?
36 comments
Do you have other friends? Why do you need to be friends with his friends?
This will likely read as desperate and a ploy to remain close to him.
To contact them would be awkward and potentially like you have the secret agenda to get back with him. But, if you have similar hobbies to that friend group and bumped into them while out, it’s perfectly normal to have a chat with them and see if they have any real interest in being your friend or if they were just being nice to you.
Ask him first. Say I know we are not together and am solid with that but I really liked the group. Would you be ok if I still talked to them? He gets all weird about it then be, he may be cool with it. I have been in my life and it was always no worries both directions. Shit didn’t work out, it’s ok and being friends after is fine too. We are all just people that you meet end of day.
Edit: my ex wife’s new husband is a good friend currently. Her brother and I talk quite a bit. She still remains close friends with my ex from a before we met. It’s just people and past is just that, it’s how you deal with it in the present that matters. And no, not backwoods kentucky lol, big city and simply cool with eachother in life
How would you feel if they invited you along to a thing where he brought someone he’s currently dating and the group treated them the way they had treated you as a couple, in your presence…it could be very uncomfortable for all concerned. Best leave it and put effort into making up your own awesome group
Please do not do that lol move on
Gonna go aggressively against the grain here. I think you shouldn’t give up on your new friendships. The guy should’ve weighted this when he decided to leave you, and I don’t think it would be unfair for him to take time and space away from your friends so as to give you room.
Unfortunately that is how much one relationship affects other relationships
I’ve been in a few relationships where after we broke up, she still tried to hang out with my friends. I found it really annoying. I’ve also liked her friends, but wouldn’t continue to see them after we broke up because I figured it would be weird for her. Don’t do it.
I personally wouldn’t do that but maybe ask how he feels about it/ if he would be comfortable with it.
I think you can ask him how he would feel about it.
Think if the roles were reversed. Hopefully that will clear it up.
Someone you don’t want to date anymore wants to hang out with your friends. Weird.
You may retain one (1) of them, & they must be a woman. Say “X & I arent together anymore, but I felt like you & I could be really good friends”.
you & her can continue being friends, but never discuss him, or the other friends, ever again.
No, sorry, go away
I’d say it’s fine, especially considering you’ve shared a friendship space with them without him present, but it would be good to make an overture that respects the pre-established relationships. For instance, you could message one of the friends you share hobbies with and say something like:
“Hey. I’m guessing that you heard that ____ broke up with me. Kind of caught me off guard, but I get it and respect his decision. I’m messaging you because I was really looking forward to getting to know each other more. I’d still like to be friends, but I completely understand if that would be awkward for you. And regardless, thanks for being so welcoming to me.”
That way you make the overture while acknowledging the situation, and you don’t place any emotional pressure on the person. And for real… it was only a couple months. A chance of a friend with a hobby you share doesn’t need to get auto-sacrificed on the “I met them through the guy that dumped me after 2 months” altar.
But to each their own…
Yes, if I caught my friends hanging out with my ex I’d be so fucking mad, no one likes a homie hopper
Just do it and yolo. Don’t worry about what others think.
Sounds like Ted and Robin to me.
Not rude but weird & it prob wont happen. They were his friends much longer.
Let that man go
I don’t see any harm in asking. They can say no if they don’t want to meet up with you.
Don’t do it. You lost them in the breakup. It will come across as extremely desperate.
I feel you, but I’d just try to move on and meet other people – I can’t see this scenario playing out well
I’d say leave it up to the friends. If they contact you — great. If not – don’t.
If they already asked you to hang out without him before you two broke up I don’t think it would be weird to reach out to that couple and say “Things didn’t work out with Ex, but it seemed like we had a good friendship connection with lots in common and if you’d be interested in remaining friends, I’d like to stay in touch.”
And just never mention Ex to them, or keep it low-key and positive if they bring him up. (He’s been their friend so don’t complain about him dumping you or any negative character observations you might have of Ex to them.) They will be less-likely to think you’re trying to use them to to stay in his life if you don’t talk about him or encourage conversations about him.
That you only dated for 10 weeks is really helpful here – he ran away before the relationship had a lot of history and before either of you was super-invested. Other than breaking up, you probably haven’t had much conflict and there’s no bad behavior to hold grudges over. In a year or two you’ll barely remember that you dated this guy for a couple months.
People you really connect with are rare. If you think these people could be real friends, then it’s worth a little awkwardness to see if you can keep them in your life.
If y’all were dating for over a year I’d say they are your friends too. But only 2.5 months, they are pretty solidly *his* friends 😬
When I broke up with my ex of 16 years none of my friends stayed friends with him, or had any interest too. He did bring up to me wanting to stay friends with one of my besties but I told him honestly that he can reach out to her, but I don’t think she’d be interested. I brought it up to her and she laughed “that would be a cold day in hell”. Obviously your breakup was more amicable but it’s amazing to me how quickly those lines of loyalty were drawn. They aren’t likely to want to be friends with you if only because it’ll make it harder for your ex’s future partner to integrate into the friend group of your part of it.
I’m not of the same opinion as everyone else seems to be in this post, but i also might be atypical in a lot of ways anyway.
I believe it depends a lot on the situation, the circumstances, the mentality of everyone involved, and the age aspect. But i do recognize that the most likely scenario it would have a negative outcome in one way or the other.
First of all, it depends on what terms you and the guy parted. Was it rough or awkward, or did he seem like he needed to get away fast? Or did he seem sincere or said that he hoped you could stay friends? If the latter, it’s a good sign that you can proceed with the idea.
How did the friends seem? Did they seem like they had a great time with you or were they just polite? If the first, again a good sign.
How is the guy and his friends mentality? Do they seem like people that normally hold a grudge, or do they gossip a lot about what other people do is normal or not? Or do they not really care if people fit into the ‘normal’ box, as long as they are nice people? If you have the slightest impression that any of the above is true, it’s a bad idea, because what you want to do, is quite atypical.
But if all the involved people seem like people that doesn’t really worry about what’s normal or not, it’s a good sign that you can proceed.
Also, drama is a bigger part of life in the early 20’s, but decreases for the most part, the older people get. At 30, more people are done with drama, and is more inclined towards logical and critical thinking (although not always the case, i know). That’s a good sign.
So in short, if they seem like drama and jealousy is still a part of their personalities in even the slightest way, don’t go through with it, but if they seem like the insightful and understanding types, i wouldn’t worry too much about it.
As for the next step, if you decide to risk it, you have to contact them in a straight up way, for example knocking on the door of the couple that live close by, and explain the situation calmly and objectively. You also have to tell them that you want them to consider it, and completely understand if they think it’s a bit too weird. Tell them that if they do wanna do something (have dinner, play a board game, etc), they can call you, but you completely understand if you never hear from them again, and no hard feelings about that. That way, they have an easy way out, with no strings or drama attached.
But you have to be prepared to back off immediately, if any of the people involved thinks it’s weird of you to hang out. Also, if you never hear from them again, you absolutely cannot hold a grudge against them. If you happen to run into them on the street, smile and say hi, but don’t strike up a conversation. You have to respect their decision to decline your offer, no matter what way they decline it.
If you can accept all of the above and is prepared that it could turn badly in some way or the other, and there is a high chance of failure, i see no reason why not to go through with it. Who dares nothing, wins nothing.
I wouldn’t do it. Presumably, you already have your own crew. Regardless, the unwritten code is that anyone a mate brings into your life in good faith must be given up if that mate splits. It is the way.
That’s weird. Those are not your friends, they’re his. Find your own friends.
Don’t hang out with them. They’re his friends, and he’s going to be really weird about you hanging out with them.
Who cares if it’s “rude”? Just do it. Worst case they don’t want to hang out. It’s pretty normal to have friend groups where people have dated each other. That’s basically any friend group lol.
I’m going to disagree with the majority here. The ex doesn’t own these people. Go ahead and reach out.
It’s sucks to lose potential new friends. But contacting them to keep hanging out isn’t going to come off well. It will seem like you’re either hung up on your ex or just very lonely. Even if those aren’t true, it’s a recipe for awkward.
If I were you, I’d focus on hobbies and making new friends instead.
Maybe you’ll bump into his friends sometime since you live close. Just be friendly. Don’t ask about your ex. If they’re open to friendship, it will happen on its own without you forcing it.
After just 2,5 months I would not recommend it. Maybe after 1-2 years you can do that cause there is a real bond but it is too short now and might make things a big awkward
Yes. Plain and simple. The fact that you are asking tells me you know its wrong