F21- involved with ex-m25, can you find this level of intimate relationship again?

I was involved with a guy about a year and a half ago (think he’s 25 now) and I’ve not been able to part with it.

I’m a f21, and not super experienced with guys or anything, but honestly the whole experience was so amazing and I was fantasising about him and the sex for weeks afterwards.

He was so adamant in his views that sex was something beautiful between people.

Of course, everyone must, to some extent, feel insecure about their body, but with him, all my shame and dislike seemed to transgress.

Partially, it was the rawness with which he spoke about ‘bodies’ and how natural they were to be intertwined with one another.

But it was also in the directness and certainty he had. He managed to make my insecurities appear so silly to me, balancing between trivialising them, but simultaneously encouraging me, in a very empathetic and loving way.

(TMI: id tell him about my body insecurities and he’d sit for hours under the shower with me stroking/massaging those areas)

It was so refreshing and different to anyone I’d been with before. The whole thing was incredibly intense, physically and emotionally. He definitely push my boundaries out. But sex with him seemed to turned into something more than just ‘f*ing.’ He felt like my bestfriend and Ive never felt that connection with anyone else.

I still care for him a lot, but at the same time; he doesn’t know what he wants, he messed me around a lot afterwards and really hurt me. (I’ve cut him out of my life now.) His behaviour tints our moments together, but I’m trying to separate his actions from who he is.

But I still can’t shake the really intimate moments we shared that I get almost flashbacks to; I’d wake up and we’d be sideways, facing towards each other and he’d have his arms wrapped so tightly round me, cocooning me against his chest. Or when I’d wake up to him holding my hand in his sleep.

I don’t know if I’ll ever honestly have someone who ever treats me like that again – has anyone else had something similar position with this? Have you found someone else?