I’m very organized and task oriented, my wife is not.
In my best explanation I would say that I am (probably some OCD tendencies) a good “finisher” and my wife a better “starter” when it comes to the home and it’s causing me a ton of stress and extra work. Let me give some context;
We are in our 30’s, one child 2 years old with one on the way (very early). She is self employed but scaled way back, works appx 20 days per year and on those days I watch my child. I am full time employed and an executive at my company so I am considerably busy, I work before work during work and after work constantly. I do however take weekends off. We make a lot of money together, over 1M per year and have no debt. I wake up at 4:30am and exercise until I have to go to work and go to bed the same time as my son about 9pm. Leave for work 7am and home 6pm. I cook dinner 3 nights a week usually.
Here is our sticking point: We argue over the same thing EVERY time. I expect the home to be pretty well taken care of and home stuff done when I get home from work; think clean kitchen, no dirty clothes laying around, dishwasher empty, etc. We pay for landscapers and have a cleaning service that comes every week and cleans and does the remaining laundry and puts it away so IMHO there is not THAT much left to do just to keep the home free of clutter and organized but for some reason my expectations and reality are two different things and it causes arguments. My argument alway is that when it’s my day to watch our son and she works, when she returns, the home is PERFECT and child happy and I did everything so I know it CAN be done. I feel disrespected and like I have to “clock in” for my second job when I get home most days and it causes and argument. I have even offered to pay any amount of money to hire a nanny or maid just to get the job done which is refused.
I’m stuck. I am committed to finding a solution but what do you guys think am I part of the problem? Are my standards too high? What can I do to make this a win-win?
6 comments
What kind of mess could there even be here? Why is your wife required to meet your expectations of tidiness and not you hers?
What explanation does she give you about how she keeps the house?
Well firstly you’re definitely part of the problem because you seem to have decided that your preferred level of cleanliness is also the correct level of cleanliness.
You also seem to expect these things of your wife in exchange for what you do. Was this clear to your wife when this arrangement started? Did you tell her that hey I will work x amount and in return I expect this?
I’ll make the assumption here that you’re fighting about this because of your approach to the issue. You’re essentially saying “hey I do all this shit why isn’t this teeny tiny little pathetic thing done?!??” Which immediately sets the tone of the conversation to “I do more than you wife and you do less than me” which is always going to set any partner off.
You should try a “hey, i know it’s been a huge point of contention in our marriage and I may have been a dick about it over the years so I want to apologize for my approach. Im guessing it may have made you feel less than while simultaneously undermining what you do do. That said it is so very important to me that this gets done, how can we win here. What can I do to help this happen short of doing the work myself? As I said I know it may seem over the top to you but I’m asking that you take this seriously as it would really mean a lot to me.”
Now you’re a team, you work from there. I have adopted the “how can we both win here?” Approach in my marriage and it has saved so many arguments.
She’s pregnant and running after a 2 year old. I think it is reasonable to expect some toys in the floor or the dishes not to be done right when you walk through the door. I myself am a fan of cleaning stuff at night when kids are asleep. Much easier than being interrupted every 5 minutes.
From your post it doesn’t sound like she’s a slob, she just isn’t meeting your expectations. Sometimes I think it’s good to analyze our expectations.
Edit: Also, there are different styles of parenting (nothing wrong with that) – maybe she’s more hands on with the toddler during the day, so she gets less stuff done?
In my marriage, I’m the one who wants everything put away with no mess anywhere. It took me a while to realize that it’s not fair to place that expectation on my husband. It’s his house too, and he deserves to be comfortable at home too. You have to compromise and reach an agreement on what an acceptable level of clean is for both of you. If mess stresses you out (it stresses me out!) figure out how to cope with your stress in a way that doesn’t dump it on your wife. Otherwise you’re wife is going to start dreading you coming home and bringing negative energy home with you at the end of your workday.
Hate to tell you this but this has been one of our main arguments most of our marriage.
A messy home really affects my mental well being and my wife could care less if the kitchen is a mess and laundry piled up.
It wasn’t until our two sons got older I finally broke her in.
I disagree the person that likes the house clean should have to cave in (lower his/her standards) to the messy/lazy one in the marriage.
Back to the kids – once old enough I divided the house into 4 chore zones and simply handed out areas to everyone, including my wife.
The things that make you a successful man are going to run afoul of many people. Most people just don’t have the discipline and attention to detail that you do. I have the same tendencies that you have and my wife is like yours (ADHD). Unfortunately, I have not found a good solution. She tries hard to meet me half way but often it’s just me cleaning up little stuff after work.