I dont quite know who to talk to about this but I need advice. My fiance 29M and I 26F have been together for 3 years. Our first year and a half was long distance. It was really good. We chatted nonstop, flirted, sexted, all that jazz. But when he moved in with me alot of that romance left. I know that Im not physically attracted to him, which Im ok with, but there is little romantic spark. Sure I know my fairytale romance isnt real, but I also know what it is like to be in love and want to be around someone. What I really question is, is this stability (financially, emotionally, spiritually) worth it when I don’t get more than a few kisses and hand holding here and there? Is this what being married is like? Living with someone for years? Ive never been this far in a relationship with someone, but shouldnt there be something? I dont even know how to bring this up to him, or if I want to. Do I choose stability now over potentially a dream that will never happen? Do i keep the predictability and comfort over fun and surprise? I don’t know anymore. How can I not lose him but gain that romance I crave?
6 comments
You are 26. You have PLENTY of time to keep looking. Give yourself a chance at genuine happiness.
>How can I not lose him but gain the romance I crave?
This would take a lot of effort and frankly involve at very least a kind of perpetual manipulation. Not necessarily the ugly kind, but at least an overtly contrived/schemed-up approach. Not saying you should do that, but just answering your question here of what that would take.
It would take that because you two simply don’t have much natural chemistry. You are friends and roommates. His presence in your life means nothing more to you than a ticket to “being in a relationship.”
On one hand you admit to full-stop *no* physical attraction, but on the other hand you desire more physical intimacy. Aka you are literally desiring physical intimacy from someone you’re not physically attracted to. What does that tell you? He’s basically a variable, to you, in your head. And this is at three years.
What you disparage as “fairytale romance” may to some extent be fabrication, but your choice isn’t just one or the other. It’s a spectrum. You find yourself quite far off to one side, unfulfilled, and you’re asking if the stability is worth the ache. Dunno, is it?—only you can answer that for yourself. Depends on your priorities.
You sound bored as hell. You’re a young woman. Boredom and resignation don’t have to be your fate. If you feel this way before the plane’s even left the runway, how do you think you’ll feel when it’s 30,000 feet above open ocean? If I were you, I’d do your future self a favor and get out while it’s still on the ground. But it’s your call.
I’m dealing with a somewhat similar situation. If I were talking to myself from another point of view I would say; follow the curiosity.
You’re not ready to be married to him if you’re having these thoughts. You’re still young, go follow your curiosity and see what else is out there.
In long term marriages, the romance ebbs and flows. Stress, work, worries can influence intimacy. You could try initiating a touch, a hug. We make time during the day to go to bed and cuddle. No sex, just human touch. It takes the pressure off and invites intimacy without forcing it. We find we can f@#k like bunnies at times and at other times go weeks without touching if not for our cuddling sessions. But it always comes back when you’re with the right one.
This sounds awful to me. I’ve known my partner for 7 years and been together for 3, we are still deeply in love and have an amazing relationship.
I’m a death doula (I help people die for a living) some of the biggest regrets from people are staying in an unfulfilling relationships. Life is short.
You need to think if you really want this to be it. You’re only 26, you’re so young.