I’ve been really in love with my bf and because of my upbringing and values especially for relationships, I’ve always made a lot of effort into occasions to make the relationship special but my bf doesn’t value the same things that I think are normal in relationships, like calling each other, randomly sending selfies as updates, taking pics together, doing something on valentine’s day, Christmas or new year and not even bothering asking me about anniversary, which I later on discussed because we didn’t have a date even after 2 years of being exclusive.
He doesn’t open up about possible problems in the relationship, or plans in the future and expressed his dislike about marriage because he doesn’t like the extravagance of it, having these talks which I opened up, disheartened me as I want to be married in the future. He often uses “my” or “I” for when we talks about the future like “when I buy my house, I will get a… To my…” and this example makes me feel like I’m not even part of this future he’s imagining (We don’t live together).
When we talked about his plans for his birthday for example, he exclusively mentioned he wants to spend it playing with his friends and I thought okay… He had to work on his birthday so I planned a witty surprise birthday party for him so I could spend time with him after work but the thought of how he planned to do it with other people instead of me hurts.
Also I have never been insecure physically, not even with my ex bf but when we got together, I developed an insecurity as he was still talking with a “friend” he met åt a dating app but later on he decided that they just stay friends. He also thinks that it’s fine to spend time alone with friends of the opposite sex, send racy memes, and that I’m just insecure and should work on it. I started working out to release this frustration from him telling me from the beginning that I’m not his type physically.
Were both financially unstable yet to move in together but Ive always been financially independent and always paid for my own, also for meals.
He says he loves me and he’s showing his affection too and said he wants to move in with me in the future but sometimes I just think if he really loves me enough to think of a future like how I imagined it to be. I’ve been anxious for a while now thinking I don’t feel security in this relationship. Do you guys think I should talk with him again about the things we should be already planning in the future although it also saddens me that it’s always been me doing all the effort?
Tl:Dr Bf has shown questionable behaviours that made me doubt his love and commitment to our relationship that made me feel unsure if I should continue being with him.
6 comments
Ohno I hope you receive good advice from people here! I’m invested
It seems like you don’t want the same things in life and aren’t invested in the relationship in the same way.
Relationships are about sacrifices, acknowledgment of each other’s needs and wants, and not to forget building a future together. If those things don’t align, then that’s the farthest you can come from a relationship.
So I’ll ask you this, if this was someone you cared about coming to you with these thoughts and problems, what would your response be? What advice would you give them?
It’s painfully obvious that your bf is not as invested in the relationship as you are. In fact until you said he says he loves you, I was thinking that your bf doesn’t even know he’s your bf. It seems he is just going the bare minimum to keep you around. (If he says he loves you and wants to move in with you in the future, then that should be enough to keep you hanging on so you’re around when he’s done hanging out with his friends and wants to get laid) I think if you stay with him, you’re not very bright and you only have yourself to blame when he breaks your heart
Marriage is a pretty huge thing to disagree on alone, and that’s not even taking into account these day-to-day differences that sound like they make you feel bad.
Consider your future with him. Will you continue to be unhappy if none of these things change? If so, the only way you will be content in a relationship will be if you are in a different one.
I would spend some time condensing and simplifying what you have to say here. Evaluate what you are willing to compromise on or change, and then speak frankly with him about what you need to be different. If you guys can’t reach a middle ground, hit the bricks!
I’ve seen fwb arrangements where the guy cares more about the girl than this ffs. Does he even know he’s in a relationship? LOL, sure doesn’t seem like it.
You could do SO much better.
Yes he does know he’s in a relationship, his friends and family as well. He’s really affectionate and I think he doesn’t know how to act in a relationship so I kept communicating what i want.