My wife and I have been trying to have a baby for 2 months. I feel she’s stressing out a bit too much about how regularly we have sex. We mostly stay true to the “sex every 2-3 days” advice and track her ovulation.
I generally have the highest sex drive of the two, so I’m up for it *most* days. Like, on some weeks, I’d be 100% up for sex every night. On others, less so, but generally at least two. My wife varies a bit more. We’re mostly aligned but she can go 3-6 days without desiring sex. When that happens, she gets stressed out and feels we’re wasting opportunities.
On these cases, she wants me to just do it even though she doesn’t want to. When I told her I don’t feel comfortable with that, she said that’s what she’d do with her last ex when she wasn’t feeling it but he was, a tidbit of information she had never shared with me before. She said it was normal, but I disagreed.
When this happens, it makes be very uncomfortable because she’s very honest in that she doesn’t want to do it but wants to do it for the sake of her pregnancy. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or what, but I cannot ever feel comfortable just pumping until I’m done while she lies there, basically bored.
She’s getting increasingly irritated about the topic. Her last ovulation was approximately on Tuesday, and we planned to do it at least twice between Saturday and Monday, and also on Tuesday. But she didn’t want to actually have sex and was essentially like “babe, let’s get this over with.”
But I can’t do it unless she actually wants to and that will never change, so I don’t know how to react or what to do when she gets inpatient because I won’t have sex unless she actually wants it. How can we handle this situation better?
**tl;dr:** Wife wants me to pump until I’m done on missionary just for the sake of her pregnancy, even when she’s feeling like she doesn’t want sex. I’d hate that and she gets irritated when I don’t agree to it. How to handle this situation better?
28 comments
Nope nope nope NOOOOOPE. You drew a hard line in the sand and you are rightfully uncomfortable. She is in the wrong here for not wanting to respect YOUR stated boundary about it. The only practical solution I see is that you unload into a container and then give it to her so she can inseminate herself for the times that she doesn’t want to have sex.
I’m more concerned that she thinks that forcing yourself to have sex is normal. You’re definitely doing the right thing.
The first thought that came to my mind is… why all the pressure?
You said you’ve only been trying for 2 months. Do you have reasons to believe one of you has fertility issues? Usually people don’t bust out the ovulation tracking, etc until they’ve been trying at least a year. It’s perfectly normal for it to take up to a year to get pregnant naturally. But – all of the pressure, the counting, the stressing – this can actually work against you and make it harder to get pregnant.
If you’ve only been trying 2 months and there is no reason for this – you should stop immediately. Just work on having a great relationship and regular unprotected sex. It will happen eventually.
If there are other reasons why this is necessary, then you may need to re-frame how you speak about it (or look to in-vitro, although that’s expensive). It’s not that she “doesn’t” want sex if she’s asking you to have sex with her (she is consenting)… it’s that she wants to put minimal effort into it and have quickie sex. That’s very different than saying she doesn’t want sex…
I don’t know about you – but – yanno – quickies are great sometimes! It’s like getting a burger instead of a steak. Sometimes a burger does the job just great and really hits the spot, even though steak is “better”.
But if you’ve only been trying 2 months, my first piece of advice is to drop the pressure.
Does she want to have A Baby, or does she want to be a parent?
Because those two things are NOT the same.
I would nope out of that myself and have a serious talk about her being ok with blanking her and about her past experiences with that with an ex. She may need professional help if this gets too much for you both as this is a very touchy subject and may trigger her. I would do this gently but firmly till you get a resolution of some kind.
I’ll be honest, some of the conception intercourse me and my husband had was not the sexiest times we’ve ever had. But, that was after about a year of trying and I guess both of us being kind of over it. There were a lot of “just stick it in and be done with it”.
However, at two months of trying that’s really not necessary. It feels like she’s stressing out a bit unnecessarily. Also, my husband was comfortable with it and I tried to make it easier for him in other ways. If you aren’t comfortable, don’t do it. Consent goes all directions.
We went through this. There was one really bad time where I really wanted to have sex but was not feeling sex at all. I actually started crying because it was so frustrating. That took some time to move through together so I could get enough on board.
Trying to get pregnant can become very frustrating. We were mid 30s and I miscarried before each of my successful pregnancies. It can feel like forever when you’re tracking and focused and months and months and months go by. You’re early, but I understand the pressure and anxiety she’s feeling.
Something my husband and I found that helped was this intimacy game a therapist taught us. Spend 3 minutes with partner A asking for a specific kind of touch from partner B, but it’s touch that is for the pleasure of partner A, focusing on non-sexual touch, but instead connection-focused touch. Then A asking for touch that is for the pleasure of partner B. These are different. Who pleasure is for matters. Then reverse. It can be done in any order, the point is to slow down and focus on who is giving pleasure and who is receiving. 3 minutes is an eternity. We can’t usually get past 2. But this exercise turns off the sex pressure and focuses on the connection. Then the connection can be a gateway to sex. It might not make her super horny, but it brings her into the moment so she can enjoy sex, and therefore you can enjoy sex. Seriously, give it a try.
Do be clear that you can’t enjoy sex if she’s not present and connected, at the least. Connection leads to pleasure. This type of sex shouldn’t be about giving her 3 orgasms, that’s not the pleasure she’s seeking in that moment.
It seems like there should be room for some compromise here on sessions of “baby making” sex. I understand your reticence to engage if she’s just going to starfish and show no interest.
The solution seems to be you expecting a little less — no foreplay or full blown enthusiasm from her and she give a little more — be present and interactive knowing that you’re trying to bring a new life into this world that is half her and half you.
If you guys cannot get past this with communication and compromise, it may be time to rethink whether you should be trying to have a baby at all until you’re better partners for each other.
Why don’t y’all just get a turkey baster? Millions of lesbians have had successful pregnancies with turkey basters, or more precisely these days, insemination syringes. Unlike them, you two are already fluid bonded so don’t need to worry about STI’s, and also don’t have to figure out how to store the spunk.
I was going to ask whether she really experiences downturns in libido when she’s ovulating, but it sounds like yes she definitely is. I bet it’s all the pressure she’s putting on this, as well as the stress that ovulation brings on about pregnancy. So take sex out of the equation, or at least provide yourselves the option to inseminate without any sex at all. Looks like you can get a fertility syringe really easily at all sorts of stores.
It is common when you’re trying to conceive to have utilitarian sex for the purpose of hitting the ovulation window. Unfortunately it can, and often does, take the fun out of it. But there’s a difference between getting yourself to do it even when you’re not in the mood and having shitty sex start to finish.
My partner has a much higher sex drive than me. He’d love to do it twice a day, every day, whereas I’m more of a couple of times a week person. I never have sex when I don’t want to, but there are times where he initiates and I’m not in the mood but know if he hits my buttons I will get there so I let him.
We are also trying to conceive so I empathize for your wife here, but it’s not fair for her to ask you to have sex with someone who isn’t into it. And it’s completely fair for you to not want her to initiate by asking you to get it over with.
“but I cannot ever feel comfortable just pumping until I’m done while she lies there, basically bored.” Does she agree that she feels bored? Is her take that it is not pleasurable or enjoyable at all for her?
Be honest and stick to your boundaries. Forced sex is not ok, for any reason. She is technically consenting, but it sounds like you are not, specifically due to her lack of enthusiasm.
If she wants to have sex she needs to be a willing *participant*, which means doing more than just lying there. Maybe try to come up with some “warm ups” you can engage in to bridge the gap between, “crap, I’m ovulating” and “just stick it in”. Back rubs, talking about baby names, going for a wall around the block holding hands… just a simple way to center family and intimacy in a way that brings excitement surrounding the deed instead of stress. Stress is your enemy here.
Your wife may feel rejected at first, but let her know that this is coming from a place of care and concern, and that sex can be an opportunity to bring you closer together or push you further apart, and the way she is currently going about it is pushing you apart and you’d like to prevent that from happening.
I think having sex every 2-3 days all month long is a lot of pressure for someone with a lower libido. She’s really only fertile ~4ish days a month. If she tracks her ovulation having sex during the most fertile window should be plenty. Dropping down the number of days might help her feel less like she’s doing a chore. Maybe try to focus on intimacy and having fun during sex.
It’s really stressful trying to get pregnant even when you’re just starting out, so I can totally understand where your wife is coming from. I think your you should hold your boundary but try to give her a little grace and understanding. It might also be worth talking about it more. I definitely have times where I’m not in the mood but I know if we do it I’ll enjoy myself and be happy I did it.
You should look into Mosie baby. It’s self insemination, she doesn’t have to do anything but and you get to just masturbate, so no awkward encounters.
Trying to conceive is very hard and I’d suggest also looking on some of those subreddits for tips on how to keep intimacy while going through it. Good luck
“Honey, bringing a child into the world is supposed to be an expression of our love for each other. I’m not an on-demand semen factory. We’re both adults, and if you want sex – for whatever reason – you’re going to have to be present and make that emotional connection. OTOH it’s only been two months, so maybe it would help if we just relaxed and let things happen naturally.”
I’m concerned she thinks it’s normal for a partner to just roll over and ;et their SO have sex with them when they don’t want it. That’s not healthy at all.
She is obsessed with having a kid and that would give me pause.
Can you both do couples therapy to talk about this? I agree with you that I wouldn’t feel comfortable having sex with someone who wasn’t into it. Things need to be addressed before you bring a tiny human into the mix.
It might be time to talk with a fertility awareness educator so you can better pinpoint her fertile window and confirm if she is actually ovulating or not. That being said, most people don’t get pregnant the first cycle. 2 months isn’t concerning yet. 6 months, maybe. 1 year, definitely.
I personally recommend checking out the Marquette method plus BBT tracking. You can get all the signs and I mean ALL of the signs that you’re ovulating (positive OPKs, fertile mucus, ovulation pains, bleeding that seems like a period two weeks after suspected ovulation) but actually not be ovulating. She might also have an insufficient luteal phase, might be ovulating, but is not producing enough progesterone in the latter half of her cycle to sustain a pregnancy. The egg will get fertilized but then just shed off during her period if her luteal phase is too short. Definitely talk to someone. If it’s been less than a year, insurance probably won’t cover it, but FAM instructors aren’t too expensive. I’m seeing one for pregnancy avoidance reasons/natural birth control, and it was only $230 for a consult and a year of check ins. It’s also about $150 for the monitor and $30 a month for the test sticks. Another $150 if you want a fancy automatic BBT thermometer (the TempDrop is good) or $10 if you want a basic one you have to wake up early every morning to use. If you have an HSA or FSA, it will definitely cover the monitor, thermometer and test sticks and possibly the consultation fees
I don’t think it’s fair for her to coerce you to do it even if you’re not in the mood. It is sex, and sex does require full consent from both parties. It’s just going to set up a stressful dynamic to something that is already stressful. I think seeing a fertility educator is the best next step. They can also help counsel you through these relationship challenges to some extent. They deal with it frequently. Check out vitae fertility. I’ve had a good experience so far.
Quit stressing. Just start having sec when both are in the mood. I bet some of those mood times will correspond with ovulation. Before you know it pregnancy.
You don’t have to have sex every 2-3 days the entire month to get pregnant. The egg gets released *around* cycle day 14 (but it can often be a slightly different day), and then if it’s not fertilized within 24 hours, it’s too late for that month. That’s why it’s preferable for your swimmers to be already waiting there when the egg is released. But right after and right before her period, she’s likely not fertile anyway, so there’s no need to have this much sex. If she can pinpoint when she ovulates with testing or temping, you only need to have sex a few times leading up to and maybe the day of ovulation.
My wife and I just viewed trying to have a baby as a bit different then just having sex. Often the two coincided – but there were times when she was in the right part of her cycle and one or both of us weren’t fully in the mood – but we did so anyways to give conception the best chance. We obviously didn’t if one of us just didn’t want to or wasn’t feeling well.
When you’re deep in that trying to conceive life you really do have sex sometimes when you’re not 100% in. We separate it out between like fun sex and ttc sex. It helps alleviate the pressure to mentally separate the two events. You’re so early in the process, the odds are strong in your favor that you won’t be trying a super long time. Also don’t pressure yourself unless you’re in the middle of her fertile week.
Conception sex: when the magic disappears, but hopefully a baby appears. Communication and consent are key.
This is pretty low stakes but also a bit of a toughy.
Obviously you shouldn’t just be coerced into sex if you truly don’t want to. I’d also recommend her to chill tf out as she’s causing undue stress in a situation where you really don’t need it.
At the same time, I feel like she’s not being unreasonable. In order to give you the best chance of conception, you really do need to make use of those windows. I wasn’t aware until I went through it myself, but there are really only like 1-2 days a month that women can get pregnant. Sperm can survive in the vagina for like 5 days or something so realistically you’ve got about 5-7 days worth of sex in a month that can lead to pregnancy. I understand why she’s pushing to utilize each day while within that window.
Thankfully it won’t be the end of the world either way, but my advice to you is just make it happen. If you’re the type who is open to sex 2-3 times per week, there will likely be a random boner or wave of horniness that pops up in a day-long period. You should just do it then. It won’t be romantic but you will get a nut off and she’ll be happy.
I can’t imagine having sex..with someone who doesn’t want to
Less than 20,% of people conceive in the first cycle. I got discouraged too but it’s only took us 3 mo so don’t stress so much .. just both abstain from weed/wlco/nicotine and that will help ALOT!
2 months it’s not very long for trying, she’s stressing out about this a little too much. And you’re not wrong at all for not really wanting to do it if she doesn’t actually want it. Both of mine were conceived when we really stopped paying attention to “trying” and just enjoyed ourselves. In fact, my youngest was conceived after we had been trying for a little over a year then decided to pause because my sister’s wedding was coming up and I didn’t want to be huge. Well there was only one night my husband couldn’t help himself and that was when it happened and I ended up being huge at the wedding nonetheless. Great memories lol
You’re not being unreasonable, definitely stick to your guns. Sex should be enjoyable for both of you, and it certainly shouldn’t feel forced. If talking together about it doesn’t solve it, maybe go to couples counselling and see what they suggest
is there anything you can do to get her more in the mood? any foreplay or dirty talk or anyway to build up anticipation? it’s unfortunate that she views it like a chore but i wonder if anything can be done to get her excited before hand? Either way, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, trying for a baby vs having sex for self pleasure have look very different, but I don’t think there’s any reason you guys can’t try and get in the mood.
also as an aside, I’ve always thought that as long as people are consistently having unprotected sex, eventually you’ll probably get pregnant without even trying. maybe it’s ok to ease up on how much sex you’re having per week and just focus on consistently having sex even once a week or a few times a month. I mean, as long as you’re doing it and not using contraceptive, I would think eventually something would happen right?
Recreational sex is super fun, scheduled, planned and sex where your entire shared future depends on your ability to archive orgasm is significantly less fun.
Honestly, there’s a lot about pregnancy that is more about biology than entertainment. This is part of it. It’s not sex because you love her or want to make her cum, it’s sex to put a sperm in her egg.
You may want to explain that there is a lot of pressure to finish and that isn’t really sexy or fun at all particularly if it looks like she’s not into it.
So maybe if she wants you to try to finish even if you’re not 100% feeling it, she should do the same. If she wants sex have her start out with a toy or some alone time in the bedroom to jumpstart her body. It’s not a fun feeling when your wife is telling you that you need to have sex that night because she’s ovulating and when you start she’s bone dry down there. If you love the person and that’s not your kink, it can make you feel kind of like a sexual predator because most guys have the understanding that sex is for both people. So if the person you love is clearly not into it, that’s a big turn off.
If she wants you to have sex, she needs to be an active and enthusiastic participant. That doesn’t mean she has to go all out with fancy lingerie sets and moaning like a porn star, but she needs to realize that if she’s acting like she’s not into it, that’s going to make you not into it, and you need to be into it to finish.