TLDR: My Wife is in the military, I’m not, I said I want to join reserves, she doesn’t want her non English speaking mom and son home alone during the day while I’m at basic, said she’d divorce me if I joined
My wife is an active duty service member. She also gives me endless grief about how I never served. I looked into enlisting into the reserves to both serve the country and be able to keep my job as well.
She said if I do that she’s divorcing me.
At issue is we have a 3 year old son and her mother staying with us. She works a regular shift and comes home. I work from home. She does not want them in the house alone all day while she is working. Her mom does not speak English. Considering it’s reserves I’d only be gone as long as BMT and TS which would total maybe 4 months. After that I’d do reserves at her base once a month for a weekend.
I don’t really see this being a big issue personally as this was the norm where I grew up. One of the grandparents home alone all day with us kids while the parents were working. This also included a grandparent who was deaf and mute and was the one who normally took care of us.
Am I a jerk here for wanting to join up? Or is she out of line?
Further background: I didn’t serve because my father is a NAM vet who was drafted and spoke poorly about what happened over there, in the service, and when he came home. that tainted how I looked a the military. Obviously I’ve changed my mind on that. She also calls me a coward, stupid, dumb, doesn’t have thinking function, loser, etc since I didn’t serve.. it got worse she she came home from basic.
8 comments
>I don’t really see this being a big issue personally
ok but your wife DOES. She has expressed to you that it would end your relationship if you were to do this. So it’s not about whether you’re a jerk or if she’s out of line. She’s drawn her boundary and you need to decide if you’re going to cross it or not. That is the only thing at issue here. Not whether it’s justified or whether your family wants you to or whether you feel pressure to do it, etc.
Fact of the matter is it sounds like your wife is quite verbally abusive toward you and she doesn’t want you to join the military because she wants to be able to lord her service over you. So that’s a separate thing you may need to work on coming to terms with.
Sge sounds really controlling and mean about this TBH.
She shouldn’t talk to you like that.
Which is more accurate:
A) Your wife is being controlling
B) Your wife is annoyed that you came up with this bizarre plan to join the reserves without talking through any details about what it would mean for general household operations. You know, like just assuming that it’d be cool for you to go off for a few months, no problem.
C) You’re picking fights and/or making shut up
I mean I honestly see where your wife is coming from. She obviously very protective of her son and mother. I, for one, would be terrified if my mother was stuck at home not speaking the native language. Especially if she was caring for my child. I would much rather have my husband with them, making sure they’re safe. Maybe she gives you grief on not being enlisted, but I’m sure she’s just joking. Especially since it’s kinda backwards. The woman is serving, not the man. But she probably doesn’t mean to insult you, it’s probably harmless banter. But if it’s bothering you, tell her. If you feel emasculated by it, tell her. I don’t think she’d actually divorce you, bc that defeats the purpose of this argument in the first place. “If you leave, I’ll make your leave be permanent “. She’s probably just scared and is trying to manipulate you out of fear. But why is it that you want to join anyway? Because you feel emasculated? Are you embarrassed? Do you just need/want the extra money? What’s the root of the problem here. Something tells me you might be petty and trying to prove a point. I could be wrong though.
It sounds like you made this decision without thinking logistically about what it would mean for the household. I think her concerns are valid. Four months is a long time to leave your young child with a relative who does not speak english and may not be able to communicate clearly to the child, or to you in case of emergencies and what not.
I think the real issue you should be addressing here is the fact that your wife makes a big deal over you not having served. This should not be something she uses against you. I think you need to have a conversation about how her throwing this in your face is wrong and not acceptable. Military service doesn’t make her special and the fact that you did not serve does not make you less than.
Make a clear boundary with her that demeaning you for your lack of service is unacceptable. Name calling generally is unacceptable. It should be a deal breaker in any relationship honestly. To back that up make it clear that she has no room to harass you for not serving if the only thing keeping you from serving is her threats. Then explain how if she divorces you then no one will be home with your child and her mother since you’ll find somewhere else to live, so it’s a useless threat if the outcome is the same.
Then there’s the issue of how you approached her with this idea. Was it all the sudden “hey I’m going to do this thing” or was it “I’d like to get your opinion on how we can make this happen and what it means to our family”. One is entirely dismissive the other at least attempts to make it into a joint family decision. If you did the first then that’s likely why you got such a strong negative reaction. Of course it could also simply be her need for control and this being one of the things she has over you. If you turn around and invade her space then she’s no longer special and no longer has the same power over you. If that’s the case you need to get out of this relationship anyway, so divorce might not be the worse option.
Also I’m wondering why serve? Is there a benefit beyond the theoretical avoiding your wife’s scorn? Otherwise it seems impulsive and ego driven and that will make her wonder why you’re doing it and what real benefit it has for you all.
She is a hypocrite. She is in the military so why can’t you join. It’s reserves so you will be a weekend soldier unless you get called up. Personally I think military and growing family don’t mix and you have to be an asshole to do that to your kids.
Yeah, she doesn’t want you to see how women are treated in the service.