My (30F) boyfriend (33M) and I have been seeing each other for 4 months. My concern is that I have anxious attachment style and he’s not a big texter, and now he’s on vacation and I haven’t heard from him in days.
I have typically been in relationships where texting was a big component. There’s never been a discussion around texting but I was used to receiving “good morning/night” texts from all previous partners, as well as check in “how was your day” type texts when we weren’t seeing each other.
My current boyfriend isn’t attached to his phone at all. He routinely will forget to even put it in his pocket when he runs errands, he’ll frequently take it out of his pocket at the gym and walk away to a new exercise machine. He’s not a big texter, we only text to make plans. He uses Snapchat sporadically. He has explicitly said “people think they’re really important to me because I reply to their messages fast, but really I just don’t like the red notification bubble.” His replies are mostly emojis, one or two words or “liking” a message. We really only text each other to make plans.
Initially this really bothered me because I’m anxious attachment style. But I’ve been really working on it and honestly it kind of works for me now to not be glued to my phone (I have a very literal “hands on” job so being on my phone is horribly disruptive), and when we see each other we always have a lot to talk about since we haven’t been checking in every day.
Right now, however, I’m feeling extra anxious. He’s on vacation, and he has a job in the medical field so he works in block schedules, and right now his schedule surrounds the vacation dates. So by the time he returns from vacation he’ll roll right back into work. Which means we’ll go about 20 days without seeing each other. Right now it’s been 9 days since I last saw him. And we haven’t texted at all. He is updating his Snapchat story with photos, but I’m not huge into Snapchat, I only made one because he uses it.
I feel like I should also add there’s a high probability he’s undiagnosed ASD. He doesn’t have an official diagnosis but has said multiple times he’s gone to several therapists over the past decade and all of them have said he’s absolutely on the spectrum. So there’s a chance there some “out of sight out of mind” going on right now. I know if I text him “how’s it going” I’ll get a response, he always responds. But I know if it’s not “important” he’s not interested in the idle chit-chat, plus he’ll tell me about his vacation when he gets back.
He did also invite me to join him on this vacation, but I couldn’t make it work with my work schedule.
I’m wondering if this seems like a red-flag communication style? How can I go about asking for more contact without coming off as needy, anxious attachment, or overwhelming him?
TLDR: my (30F) boyfriend (33M) is on vacation and we haven’t talked in 9 days, is this a red flag?
4 comments
If you want to talk to him then call him, but no, I don’t see any red flag here. Just you as a ball of anxiety and him as a busy person who is on holiday.
What me and my husband do and did when we were dating was email each other. We certainly don’t text unless its to relay important info and the phone didn’t work well for us so we just email most days if we are apart. Try that.
I’m not sure I see a red flag here either. If it helps your anxiety, I think it could say a lot of positive things about him that he’s not always attached to his phone and more present in his day to day. I’m currently suffering with the opposite problem!! lol If he’s not a big texter, you could propose a text or phone call before bed every night! Just to know that he’s thinking about you. I think that is a totally reasonable request and absolutely not needy.
I wouldn’t say the behaviour in itself is a red flag, however I would expect my partner and I to check in with each other even when on holiday.
I think it is a reasonable expectation and you should be comfortable voicing it without fear of coming across as needy. If indeed he does not see your point at all, then you may just have vastly different communication styles, and you both can either try to accommodate this or you can look for someone who can tend to your (very) reasonable expectations.
Think if it this way. If the cell phone let alone texting had never been invented, things would have been as they had been. We would have known what loved ones told us about their departure and when they would return. We would have gone about our business until they returned. Unplug and let him unplug. Enjoy the homecoming!