I hope I’m at the right place. I [M28] and my wife [F28] have been together for 5 years (married for 2). She recently got into reading books again which I think is great, she’s inspired me to start reading leisurely as well. One night I jokingly asked her how her smut was and she offered me to read some of it and I never really new what to expect 😳. Since then, about 4 weeks now, I’ve been nothing but insecure. We’ve talked about it almost everyday since then after I kept it bottled up for a week. She assures me it means nothing and just adds to story and relationship. Idk how a chapter long blowjobs adds to a story but sure ok. Now the biggest thing I feel I need to include is that early into our relationship like a year in she admits to me that does not like me watching porn. It made her feel INSECURE. She also has abandonment issues because of her dad and feels that I will leave her if I’m watching other girls. Since then I have not watched any porn out respect for her. Now coming back to the main discussion, how is porn different from the smut in books? It’s crazy how detailed some of these books get and unrealistic, like porn. She admits it all fake and means nothing as I’ve tried explaining the same thing it porn is just that FAKE and means nothing. I told her you have a more of emotional connection to these characters more than I would from any video. I’m there for ejac and evac. She claims to never do anything to herself after reading these scenes but still it’s just hard to really deal with it. Am I overthinking? I asked her if she would be willing to not read romance books and she just said “I might as well just stop reading .” Really? I never want to be one of those husbands that controls what their wives do. We love each other and respect each other. Now it’s to the point that I’m having nightmares of her cheating on me with these fictional characters with their mammoth cocks-literally pulled this from one of the books she read. Can anyone offer any advice? Am I in the wrong? Do my insecurities not matter? Is there a difference from porn vs written porn?
11 comments
it’s more comparable to you just listening to the sound of porn. it’s a book, she’s using her imagination, they are not REAL. I cannot believe you’re telling her not to read romance books because you’re jealous my mind is really blown right now
If you were listening to audio porn it’d be somewhat comparable because both would require use of imagination (one more than the other) but watching actual porn and reading a smutty book aren’t the same and you’re jealous of words on a page.
Men and women are different. Listen to addiction specialist Anna Lembke who likens her addiction to romantic novels to porn addiction. It’s very equitable. That’s a double standard for real… but also, I’d just shrug it off man, they’re just stupid books. Just tease her about it, kindly. You’re better off for not watching porn, anyways.
Don’t really agree with those two previous comments. It is weird. Maybe you should talk with her about what she likes in those books, and maybe if she would like to try some of it out with you?
Still kinda weird thing to do on her side, but hey if she doesn’t wanna stop it at least try to make it a good thing for both of you.
Omg! Yes you are overthinking this, by a mile! She’s using her mind to get aroused, so much sexier than porn! Why do you think she’s comparing you to these fictional characters? I have a rich imagination and never once have I compared anyone to my husband. Use this opportunity to romance and seduce your wife, this couid be an asset to your sec life! What a great opportunity.
Whether there’s a double standard or not feels like a distraction from the main issue which is that you two don’t seem to be able to negotiate very reasonable boundaries around your own sexual privacy and autonomy. Her asking you to swear off porn isn’t reasonable (unless you have a history of problematic porn use).
You wanting her to stop reading her novels feels retaliatory because you spend very little time explaining what makes you feel insecure here and spend most of your time complaining about the double standard you perceive.
I think the question you need to figure out before you have a conversation with her is what do you want to get out of all this? Do you really want her to stop reading these novels? Do you want permission to be able to consume porn? Do you want the two of you to be able to talk about your insecurities and find ways of supporting and reassuring one another?
If you are jealous of fictional men on a page, can you imagine how youd feel if you walked in on her masterbating to videos of real men with “mammoth cocks”?
Would it make you feel insecure if she watched real men and really touched herself to strangers the way you used to? Then you should understand how she felt when you got off to other women.
The book has no real people involved and you dont see her fingering herself while she’s reading, right? She can’t cheat on you with a fictional character.
If she is turning down real sex with you to read, then thats an issue and you should talk to her. You deserve to feel loved and wanted.
I’m (admittedly) more conservative than most people on this platform. And porn of any form would not be welcomed in my relationship (all of which I would’ve communicated to my potential partner before even deciding to date). Despite whatever differences you can find between books, porn, or chatting out sexual fantasies with strangers on the internet (without actually doing anything with them), I wouldnt be thrilled about it, but it would upset me even more if there was a double standard such as what I would say your wife is having right now. Despite whatever perceived differences there are between the book and porn, the point is both are explicit, sexually arousing and fulfilling some kind of sexual urge, just because they are accomplished in different forms doesnt make it any less of a double standard imo.
I think you have a wife who’s interested in sex, and rather than feel insecure about it, it should be a plus for you. If she finds it turns her on, then you have a wife who’s turned on. You take it from there.
You could ask if she’s read anything that really turns her on, read it yourself and ask her if she’d like to do some role playing and you both reenact the scene.
No one from a book is going to have sex with your wife, and fantasizing is a normal part of being alive.
Okay so.
I’m a lady, who is now married to an amazing man, but I have had my fair share of relationships.
So, allow me to try to break this down as simply and as gently as I can.
I’ve read and written my fair share of steamy stories. They’ve never “turned me on” nor have I ever had the slightest urge to masturbate to them. The absolute vast majority of smut novels are about fictional characters. Levi Ackerman or Dean Winchester or Jacob Black.
So, think realistically about this. Do you see your wife leaving you for a 2D anime character? Or for a demon hunting, pie loving moron with an angel for a bestie? Or how about for a literal werewolf?
Whereas porn depicts very real people doing very real sex acts. No, you may not leave your wife for a famous porn star, but what if you had the opportunity to sleep with a woman that looks similar to said star?
The people in your wife’s books are fake. They don’t exist. Meanwhile, the women in porn most certainly do exist.
There may be a “double standard” here, but in my absolutely humble opinion, I don’t think a Wattpad story about a sparkly vampire with an 8 inch dick is keeping your wife from having sex with you. However, if consumed too much, porn of that tiny blonde chick with DD boobs could 100% prevent you from having sex with your wife
Personally, I would be looking for ways to bring more sex into my marriage rather than less. Perhaps it’s time to have an honest conversation with your wife about your own reasonable porn use. There is no reason you simply have to accept her blanket prohibition. People are not required to cease doing anything that makes their spouse feel insecure. Also, why shame her for masturbating with her books, if she does? You should be encouraging your wife to increase her sexual exploration safely, not shaming her. Women who understand how their body works are more likely to be active and enthusiastic lovers. Maybe you can read to her, maybe she can watch some porn with you – whatever, but start thinking of sexual pleasure as something you WANT each other to have, not something to limit out of pettiness.