I have ADHD and Autism if that adds context. I have 5 friends I want to talk to daily via text or Discord. I am also very social on social media (like Twitter) or Discord servers. Yet, I can’t get people to respond to me. People on Twitter or Discord servers may not want to converse. But what about my 5 friends? I seem to get ignored everywhere.
Maggie (24f) and Julie (24f) are my two best friends. I was a Junior without any friends and they were Sophomores. Back in college, we saw each other daily and had lots of fun. I know things change when college ends. We have full-time jobs now. But they never seem to respond to me. I make sure to leave them a message that they should respond to. For example, instead of “lol” I would write, “That’s so funny. Have you watched every episode?”. So the conversation continues. But they don’t write back. I also want to hang out with them. When I invite them, I get no response. And then I see them together on Snapchat. Why don’t they invite me to hang out with them? They were always closer to each other because they were also roommates while I commuted.
Carly (22f) is another friend I met in college. I was her senior mentor when she was a freshman. She would always message me asking for advice, and I gladly helped. She seemed just as quirky as me, which I loved. We had a great friendship. I felt like she valued me as a person. Now, I will text her, and it’s weeks until she responds. But I see her posting on Instagram. If she’s on her phone, can’t she text “Hey” or even “Sorry, Im busy right now.”?
Gina (23f) is a friend I met through our old summer job. Our friendship has always been seeing each other every few months. Her college is out of state. But we always texted each other. I texted her recently that my 2-year relationship ended. She wrote back saying she would call me to help me out. That call never happened. If she texted me that her relationship ended, I would call her right away.
Josh (25m) is \*my\* best friend. But I know I am not \*his\* best friend. That does hurt, but I understand. We met online via Discord in 2020. During lockdown, we talked daily. Once the restrictions lessened, he went back to his old life. I never left. Online friends mean the same to me as IRL friends. I still want to have Discord movie nights, game nights, and chat. I’m lucky if he sends me a one-word DM now.
Anytime they text or call me, I respond as quickly as possible. Anytime they ask to hang out, I do. For every birthday and holiday, I mail them gifts. I want to be a good friend but I don’t know what I am doing wrong. It feels like this always happens. I’ve lost so many friends and can’t maintain friendships over the years. I don’t have friends from high school or my old jobs. These 5 friendships feel like they could last a lifetime if they all just texted back.
20 comments
Only thing you’re doing “wrong” is caring too much. It’s normal for People to driftfrom each other. people are working on bettering their lives and dealing with their own dramas. What’s you’re experiencing is Hyper fixation. I have clinically diagnosed ADHD too so I understand what you feel and I’ve been there. You just want to be around those people who make you feel happy all the time. What are your hobbies or things you like to do IRL?
Dude line spaces and paragraphs please.
Hi, fellow AuADHD F (28) here!
I know how you feel and it hurts. I will say that the day I decided to put my social energy into the relationships I had that were reciprocated I became happier.
My college friends all still hang out with each other, and feeling excluded hurts, but I also now have a solid group of friends that really care about me and show it. They go out of their way to make me feel included and supported. I feel much more secure in my friendships now than I did in my early 20s.
Growing apart is just something that happens with friendships, and mourning the loss of those friendships is part of that process. It took me a long time to learn, but now I know I have friends that will reciprocate the effort I put into the relationship and really have my back.
It will get better, I promise!
It is not easy to navigate any kind of connection. I would stop trying too hard to make my friendships work and they may start becoming better on their own. Based on your post, you are not your friends’ priority.
You can try to take a step back and just not be at their beck and call and see if anything changes. Especially if they make you feel bad about yourself.
I feel, there is growth in learning that our friendships are in many ways like a mirror ( a reflection) of ourselves.
In the same boat as you. I tried confronting one of them about the not responding bs and they basically told me “if I don’t have anything big to say I say nothing at all” but I argued that when we talk in person that’s never an issue?
Perhaps you and I just put too much value in messages and need to remember that some people just do not care to respond to everything we say. We also need to try to not try so hard and just let things happen organically…like my ADHD/OCD makes me want to obsess over everything and I get stressed when I don’t get an immediate reaction or response to something especially when I can now see when people read things.
I know it’s frustrating and feels like a betrayal but perhaps we just need to let it be and find something else to focus on. Luckily I do have my wife and now a baby as of 4 months ago so I just try to limit my worries to them as much as I can. It’s a daily struggle!
As a fellow ADHDan i can say you are caring way too much!
Just know that people will always take you for granted if you care too much. Move on.. I’m sure you will meet new people who respect and cherish your friendship.
Message me and I promise you I will message you back
Sometimes people get exhausted of things like this. If people feel these heavy expectations from you, they are more likely to pull back from the friendship. I actually pulled away from someone I was very close to because they had this hyper-expectation that I would Skype them every night. When I didn’t, they would become angry and distant. The friendship eventually ended badly. Try moving on a bit and not be so fixated so much on these things.
Autism is not a “quirk.” One of the identifying hallmarks of autism is a near-total lack of interest in other people. Another is extreme difficulty with language. Yet another is an obsession with order. You seem to have none of these problems. Congratulations, you are not autistic!
However, you are rather poor at reading social signals. From what you’ve told us, it sounds like none of these people considers you a “friend” in the sense that you would like them to. This isn’t easy for anybody to accept, but unless you do, you will find yourself very unhappy. Try to move on. Join some clubs with people whose interests you share. Leave your house and meet up with people.
Also, you need to come to terms with the fact that there is, indeed, a difference between “friends” you only know from the internet, and real-life friends who you actually interact with in person. For the entire history of humanity minus the past three decades, the kind of relationships you would like to think of as friendships were simply not possible, and nobody would have described them as friendships. A friendship involves a lot more than showing up in a chat group. As I said, leave your house. Good luck to you!
it sounds like from these posts that you might be coming off too strong. friendships are weird because both people involved in the friendship have to want it the same amount – if one person wants to be friends way more than the other, the relationship ends up fizzling out. i would say here, it sounds like you want this friendship way more than the people around you.
it’s also hard because a lot of times, people aren’t going to be as receptive to friendships later on in life since they have an established connection of friends. it’s going to be hard, but you can’t force your way into these networks – you can’t force your way into being someone’s best friend. respectfully, with my armchair reddit psychologist opinion, it really does sound like you’re trying to force a friendship.
you can’t expect people to want to be best friends with you just for you reaching out and texting and calling. most people don’t want to text THAT much or call THAT much. and if you DO want to text that much or call that much, you probably need to find someone else who wants the same.
instead, with these friends, just be honest with them. send a message to maggie privately and say: “hey, i’ve been trying to reach out to you a lot to maintain our friendship. i would love to continue hanging out and having fun, just like in college, but it really feels like you don’t want to talk to me anymore. you can be totally honest with me, i won’t get angry or anything like that. just want to know if i’ve done anything wrong or if i’m being too clingy or something.”
Once I was out of college I simply had no interest in daily small talk messages with anyone. It was too much of a burden when you’re in the early stages of your career, building a social life that fits in family, romantic interests, and coworkers. It’s not personal. I don’t think your expectations are realistic. By the time you’re thirty, you’ll find that people still consider you a friend if you only chat a couple of times a year lol.
One of my oldest best friends is emotionally distant and I’ve had to remind myself many times to back off and grieve the friendship. I think she has her own issues and I try not to take it personally although it’s very painful. I try to focus on my family and the reciprocal relationships I do have. If people are not writing you back, it’s time to stop writing them.
Advice I’ve read before about making friends is joining clubs, or just getting out there and doing things you enjoy. Or volunteering. I do believe of you do that you will make more connections with people and more friends.
Going through the same thing right now. I have a certain group of friends that swear I’m a part of the group but they never message me back or I have to remind them I sent them a message days and days ago. I finally spoke up when one couple went to another couples house “spir of the moment” for three days and two nights but they never thought to invite me. I was talking to a couple of them separately and they never said anything about it but one put everything on Facebook and I was like okay I live so close and was not invited. So I confronted all of them and they promised they would get better. They never did. I feel like an outcast most of the time.
I try to ignore it or not care so much but it’s hard. You get tired of being the only one reaching out. My advice is to stop reaching. The ones that want to stay will stay, but giving all your energy to these friendships that are not fulfilling is not the way.
Late 30s male here. I am not autistic, and I have been experiencing this exact same thing lately, and I feel so many emotions ranging from sadness to shame to fear to anger and rage. It’s enraging at some point feeling so unimportant. I’ve been getting so many rejects lately and I assume I too have been hyper fixating. I’m going to take a break.
But it’s hard when it becomes a pattern and I naturally think that there is something wrong with me. I know that there isn’t but I feel that there is.
not even trynna be an ass just sounds like your friends don’t give a fuck. not autistic and im a guy btw
Hi
I’ve noticed a lot of people don’t care to put in much effort to intentionally maintain friendships these days. Especially with social media being so easily accessible. It’s easy to stay in contact without ever being in true contact. & even those that are in contact, it seems so surface level. It’s not common to find people who genuinely wanna connect with you on a deeper level & make the effort to spend time hangout out, doing genuine, fun things together. It also seems like people have no problem dropping one thing for the next best thing, regardless of the connection that had already been built.
I completely understand how heartbreaking and frustrating this is. You’re not alone & I don’t have any good advice but just know that some people genuinely can’t give you what you’re seeking & that’s not anything you can control. Keep finding things that occupy yourself and your own time while patiently waiting while you make efforts to finding new connections, if that’s something you wanna do. 🫶🏻
There are any myriad of reasons this could be happening. Let’s start with ppl are busy and may have other social priorities.
Can you invite them over?
Watch a movie together?
Go for a walk together?
Get a drink together/dinner?
I am better in person than via text personally as are my friends.
If that doesn’t work keep texting but start making new friends. What Hobbies interest you? Join a group. Ask them how they got into said hobby. Ask favorite musics etc.
Just keep trying different things j til something sticks.
People have work and life to live, they can’t respond to the texts right away but it seems like the way they treating you is really really wrong my dear. I never have friends but a general idea of having friends is that they are there for you whenever you need them badly, it’s alright if sometimes they can’t reply right away but they shouldn’t do that every frakking time. You need to get new friends with whom you don’t need to starve for their attention. They aren’t your friends if they are treating you like this it’s unacceptable. I hope you find better and real friends soon
Fellow ADHDer here! Going through the exact same thing. I just graduated from college and already tried to set up plans with one of my close friends from there. We initially had a time and a place for our hangout but we had to reschedule because of bad weather. I proposed another date and she hasn’t responded to me. The funny thing is she’s talking in our other group chats with some of our other friends and is sending me tiktoks and DMs on Instagram. Yet she can’t find it in her to respond to my text, and it sucks. I just want a simple “yes that works” or “no”, and I feel like that’s asking for too much.