No one falls in love with me.

26 comments

1. > he decided to enter a relationship with her instead (ouch), I assume (but don’t know I guess) because he wasn’t feeling himself falling for me.

   I think you need to let go of the idea that everything is necessarily happening because of you – case in point, he’s probably dating her because he has strong feelings with her, not as a reaction necessarily against how he feels about you. He could break things off with both of you.

   I don’t think you’re necessarily doing things “wrong” but I do think you’re maybe doing a similar thing a lot of people do in situationships, which is allow a vague thing to progress way too long in a vague state. I’m not honestly sure how vulnerable someone was with you if they were also dating another person the entire time. Unless it was discussed between you that it’s ok to date others for that long – which isn’t the right move IMO. 4 months isn’t a bad time to DTR but it is a loooong time to multi-date.

   I’m also curious in how many instances you’ve said it to them, but they haven’t said it back. If the answer is 0, it’s fair to point out that one of these guys might be on another forum saying the same thing, and including you in their list of people who never said I love you. Saying it first may not feel like you securely know the other person isn’t saying it just to say it, but at the end of the day everyone loves being loved. Simply telling people you are fond of them, in any context, often makes them more fond of you.

2. how are you meeting and choosing guys?

3. Just giving my opinion as I don’t think it is just you op. Your picker is fine, but I think the system is breaking.

   Women tend to hold all the cards when it comes to initializing whether they are interested or not. Men tend to hold the cards on relationships. I believe the social media and how women are picking men, your instance here, he is dating two women. A number of men on those platforms can’t even get a date, let alone get two women who are interested. So guys like him will string you along, until something better comes along, or like in your case not pick you.

   Obviously, I have no idea what your standards are. I say this a lot, sometimesit is about removing some of the initial standards that get in the way of meeting the right guy for you. So, open yourself up more, maybe look at the guys that you are normally not, or you are borderline attracted to. Or just do the exact opposite of what you normally do.

   I will leave with this. I enjoy cooking, so I read recipes and then, I cook that recipe exactly how it states it. I then will add in or replace certain ingredients to see if I can add more or change the flavor, the next time I cook that meal, and after that. Then I finally get a dish that is just right for me, full of flavor, the right texture, and leaves enough for leftovers. But that happens through trial and error, and not continuously doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Again just my thoughts.

4. This is a tough one without knowing all the ins and outs…

   But there’s clearly *nothing* wrong with you because you’re actually landing these relationships. I think you should back it up there. Before moving forward and investing in the next person, are the feels there outside of what’s on paper?

   You could be in “go with the flow” situations where everything aligns on paper or image wise. 6-12 months is a very long time IMO to know whether or not you love someone.

   Have you tried saying it first? If you *truly* meant it, of course. Maybe it was a situation where the other couldn’t gauge your feelings.

   I wish I had more advice for you. Never experiencing love is probably one of the – few – saddest things that pull my heartstrings.

5. You might need people to be exclusive before you move forward with a few things. Maybe not a title, but give one another an honest try without the distractions of others. Imo if you “aren’t sure” and “there could be someone ‘better'” then I don’t think I would want to date someone that is always looking out for better prospects. Personally as an emotionally sensitive/ anxious dude, I got no idea how people can get that close with more then one person…

   To each their own and I could be full of shit…

6. It has always been something I have questioned myself. What was so wrong with me or horrible about me that nobody wanted to be in a relationship with me. I would always ask what they felt I did wrong or not enough of. What it boils down to isnt what you did wrong, its more like the type of person you look for. Everyone wants to date someone who is established on some level. We are adults and we expect to date an adult. Know your own self worth. If you feel like you give more than you recieve, walkaway. If someone dates you for 4 months and still hasn’t gotten serious with you, walkaway. Love takes time to bloom, but if you spend alot of time with someone or speaking to them, you already know where you want it to go or be. If they not looking for or ready for what you want, just keep moving because you cant force it. I myself, 43f, stopped dating and got rid of my OLD apps because Im exhausted. Just like you, I felt unloved and unappreciated. I stayed in a situation longer than I should have, knowing better. You got to work on loving you, then hopefully one day the right person will come in

7. So get a new therapist that IS useful.

8. Ouf. I don’t know why this post is touching me so deeply, I think it’s just because you come across as such a lovely and sensible person.

   I’m not sure I have muxh meaningful advice to give, so I’ll share my experience with situationships instead: I enter those because I like having regular man-dates and hate one-night stands. But if I’m brutally honest, the situationship men are never men that I would, deep down, say I would desperately want to marry (or whatever the 2023 course of action is for the endgame partner). So I guess I am kind of wasting my time with them, and from the feedback I got from them, usually after we parted ways, they felt I was distant.
   I guess if the heart isn’t in it, what future is there but a goodbye.

   Somehow I didn’t read your post as being madly in love with those men- were you?

   (Also, edit: Imo 4 months is too long for casually dating, you’re bound to get yourself into an “I invested x amount of time, I probably dhould” mindset – you might be different, but I did actually “might as well” myself into a 2 year relationship with someone I didn’t trust, and who emded up cheating on me… i think if you don’t feel “it”, maybe move on?)

9. Y’all are getting dates?😅

10. Hold out for exclusivity.. I wouldn’t keep dating men who are dating other women for four months while I’m sleeping w him.

11. I think I was and in some way still am in the same position.

    And what I found out is that I am the common denominator in all this and it wasn’t cause there was something wrong me in that sense, but I had the tendency to jump into things with people who actually weren’t right for me, so I had to dig deep as to why I did that.

    Usually we tend to get blinded when we meet someone who we think fits our criteria’s and or makes us feel good in the beginning. We let our emotions guide us and rarely do we stop up to ask ourselves how we feel in this and is this actually someone I can see myself with. And if we do and there is something, we shrug it off by making excuses. So we continue until the day that they come and tell you that they aren’t feeling this and so on.

    So no it’s not because you’re unlovable, you might be choosing to date the wrong ones.

12. WTF 4 months of the guy seeing and fucking multiple people while you were seemingly serious. From my European POV serial monogamy is so much better than whatever the American dating scene is.

    If you’re willing to take people for a ride the American scene is awesome tho. All you can eat sex buffet until one of your partner/victims starts asking uncomfortable questions. Cheating without the stigma.

13. I’m like the exact male version of you. Maybe we’re soul mates. Lol. If you find out what the problem is, let me know!

14. Have no idea if this applies to you so take with a grain of salt. I’m 36F, dated a lottt and still am. A couple of years ago someone I dated for 6 months (we were exclusive by 1 month) said and did a lot of the right things but in my gut I knew he was holding back, not saying things he didn’t like, occasionally the mask would slip and he’d say something making it clear something was off, but wouldn’t really talk about it. I let that go on too long, and he dumped me a week after he made me meet his mother and 2 weeks after I told him I loved him and he said he’s “almost there and these feelings are never one sided”. I learned my lesson then, if something is off SAY IT. If he upsets you SAY IT. If you feel things are off SAY IT. Ask for more when you want more. Since then I’ve had a handful of 1-2 month things that I am so proud of myself that I spoke up, making these guys run sooner rather than later. They were always going to anyway just a matter of time. Put all your cards on the table, it hurts more in the moment, but in the long run you’re saving your precious time. I am still single but truly believe I now have the tools to find a real partner, not someone dating with no intention. Again may not be you, but this was my situation!

15. 1.) It’s not always about you.

    2.) You’re giving these men way too much of your time. If things don’t feel “right” to me (like I can tell we’re both falling for each other and heading for a relationship) after 6-8 WEEKS, I will end it. I almost always have the “exclusive” talk after the third date. Like… if you still feel the need to date other women after that, you don’t feel strongly enough about me. And I definitely won’t have sex with someone unless we’re exclusive. Sure, I probably go through guys more often than you, but I’ve had two of them tell me they love me in A YEAR. Having higher expectations really weeds out the ones who aren’t serious about me.

    3.) Don’t be afraid to make the first move. I’d say it’s about 50/50 for me as far as who DTR and who said “I love you” first. It doesn’t always work out when I move first, but sometimes it does, and at least then I know how to move forward.

16. You deserve better and don’t let wishy-washy situations drag on for that long. Nothing wrong with you because I’m 35F in a somewhat similar situation. It’s just how some men are. I pray that you will find someone worthwhile.

17. I can really resonate with everything you’re saying, you’re not alone. It’s not you, it’s the state of dating.

    I’ve had the same situation prop up time and time again and I leave thinking at least my intentions were pure, onto the next. It’s the pits though. Keep going and you’ll find your person. Dating will kind of suck until you do x

18. My question for you is…

    “Have YOU fallen in love with you?”

    If the answer is no, fix that first.

19. Are you doing something wrong? Maybe, maybe not. What I can say is that you should always be someone’s first choice. You have a lot to offer a partner, and the right one will see that.

20. I’m sorry. I see you I feel you, I am you. All of the above is my life, just been 3 years. Lots of situationships and lots of guys who end or ghost. I mean the other thing is now some of them I’ve dated seriously, come back looking for sex only. and I’m not sure why that is even a thing but it’s hurtful. I wish I had answers. Just know you’re not alone.

21. A friend of mine (at the time 33F) once told me that no one ever told her he loved her out of any of the guys/relationships she ever had, so we did a deep dive thinking why that could be. She is way above average beautiful, smart, successful, makes effort, etc. I am convinced that’s because she puts up a lot of walls and is NEVER vulnerable with men, not in the slightest. She protects herself and her independence at all costs and I think that ultimately doesn’t allow for these feelings to fully flow. Obviously I think it’s very important to protect yourself and your independence, but I think there is no true love without vulnerability and openness to being hurt so I think in her case that was the reason – I can’t tell if it’s your case as well but I’m thinking since you didn’t have this issue when you were younger, sometimes being hurt once makes us put up these protections around us that don’t really allow others to see us on that rawer level. This may not be your case at all obviously, I have no way of knowing, but though to offer a perspective that I think was at least relevant to my friend.

22. If I may, I’d like to offer up not a solution, but a workaround for the wounded ego that has happened to me too

    I’ve been dating since my divorce for almost ten years with only one semi-serious relationship with someone I wish I hadn’t dated for all of the abuse and long-term damage it caused. I’ve had a lot of short-term men tell me they “love me” but bail shortly after.

    I also have lots of issues with self-worth, which is what it sounds like you might also be dealing with.

    In the last 3 or 4 years, I’ve leaned into cultivating loving relationships with everyone but a partner. I’ve developed friendships based around mutual respect, excitement, shared values and treat everyone with the kindness and openness that I wasn’t really allowed to when I was younger due to a harsh upbringing. I tell everyone in my life that I love them! I can be a bit gun-shy about words of affirmation, but when I talk about the people in my life, that I surround myself with, I say all of the nice things that I think about them. And I listen when they treat me the same way.

    I haven’t been dating as much in the last two years because I’ve leaned into things that I KNOW bring me a lot of joy and hope to meet someone via my social network.

    When I DO date, and things fizzle out with someone, or things go sideways, and I feel like I too am “unloveable” I take a step back and listen to ALL of the people that love me. I remember all of their kind words and degrees of support and kindness.

    Surround yourself with so much love that anyone who can’t or won’t provide that level of support, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern or joy isn’t even an option.

23. You can’t make people fall in love with you but you can protect yourself with better boundaries.

    >Apparently another woman he was seeing also asked him to DTR the same week, and he decided to enter a relationship with her instead

    FOUR MONTHS of dating without exclusivity? That’s unacceptable unless you are only seeking casual or FWB. Demand better for yourself!

24. I’m 36F and also encountered these situations. I gave up honestly. I believe somebody cursed me just like in the movie Good Luck Chuck. Every guy I date, meets the one right after me. I don’t use dating apps anymore or go to places where I can get noticed. The good men of our age are mostly married or in a committed relationship. The one that still single are mostly guys with Peter Pan Syndrome or middle age crisis. It’s hard, I don’t know how some people meet their significant one in their 30s. I applaud them 👏👏👏

25. So, speaking from the perspective of “I’ve been the guy who couldn’t quite fall in love with an objectively attractive partner,” over a several-year relationship.

    At the time, I thought it was a couple of attributes about her that prevented me from idealizing her. She was very practical, and very much not romantic. She dressed kind of drab – muted colors, comfortable clothing, rather than highlighting or flattering herself. She rarely wore makeup, and never attractive lingerie. Though she was playfully flirtatious, she didn’t have a seductive bone in her body and her idea of foreplay was “hey, you wanna?” My attraction-meter tends to ramp up for romantics, flattering clothing, subtle makeup, lingerie, and being seduced, so *at the time* I figured it was just a near-miss, based on her behaviors and presentation of her sexuality.

    In retrospect, I’ve come to realize that the problem was *me*, not her, and had nothing to do with *any* of those elements. Sure, she could have played to what appeals to me more, but the real issue was that she was emotionally healthy and completely available: emotionally, physically, sexually, and romantically. I was not. The elements that I needed to fall in love were unavailability, because my “in love” meter was looking to re-enact the childhood trauma of having caregivers who were often unavailable either emotionally or physically.

    It took marrying somebody emotionally unavailable, and having the marriage degenerate into romantically unavailable and sexually unavailable as well, before I really understood that.

    In retrospect, my ex-girlfriend was the healthiest partner I’ve ever had. My mental health was best while I was with her, and I was the happiest I’ve been while I was with her.

    In other words, *me not falling in love* wasn’t about her.

    >What the hell am I doing wrong?

    Plenty of people giving you advice that tries to answer this, but — looking at my relationship with hindsight, I’d say there was nothing at all that she was doing wrong.

    There’s no magic incantation that we can use to *make* somebody fall in love with us.

    And when somebody doesn’t, it hurts – but it doesn’t mean we’re unworthy or unlovable.

26. Personally, I ended up walking away from the whole thing.

    I have had one lengthy situationship (that I initiated) and one less-lengthy fling (that ended up being quite abusive, so I don’t even count that anymore). No interest at all from another living male, except a handful of dudes here and there who are not in any way dateable. I have done the things and put myself out there, and the results are always the same; it started in elementary school, when all the cute girls started getting Valentine’s cards and I got nothing, and has literally never changed. I haven’t even heard the words “hey you want to go out sometime?” in years, let alone an “I love you”.

    I’m 36. I’ve done a fair amount in my life so far and have no intention of stopping, and am proud of the things I’ve done. On most days I’m quite ok with myself. The only time I feel like shit is when I try to put myself out there and realize, yet again, that in the dating realm I still have zero value – most likely because I don’t tick the traditional, feminine boxes. (I like my cars and airplanes and motorbikes, and lots of dudes will say that’s their ideal woman, but lots of dudes would also be lying through their teeth 😂) And that’s ok; everyone has preferences. I finally realized that for me, trying to actively look for romantic love is an endeavor that will not end well. I still hold out hope; I mean, as long as you’re breathing there is hope; but I am no longer putting it on any sort of priority list.

    I guess what I’m trying to say through this mess is that we may not have the exact same story but I understand where you’re coming from. Unless you’ve walked in this particular set of shoes, it is really hard to understand the problem – but it is very real. I don’t have any “advice”; I just wanted to chime in and tell you that you’re not alone in feeling this way. However you decide to tackle it, always remember you are beautiful 🙂 Don’t let the world take that knowlege away from you 🙂