My gf and I do ldr. For almost 2 years now. So usually, we sleep together on call and in the morning we wake up together.
Something she has a habit of doing, is that we’re happily in a conversation in the morning when waking up, then saying “I have to go to the toilet” (shuts camera off and mutes, obviously) but then I don’t hear from her for half an hour. Then I tell her like “sweetie, is everything alright?”. And she then just simply opens her camera, sitting in the kitchen or living room while eating something and then just tells me “yeah I was watching something” while I’m just waiting in bed.
Another situation: we’re studying together in videocall (mute). She then says “okay breaktime”. So we start talking for like 10 minutes or something. She then gets called by someone else (which is okay). But after that call she just texts me “I’m gonna shower”. I’m like, okay. But then she’s gone for an hour. But in that hour, I see her online on insta while she didn’t reply to me on whatsapp. So I then call her, and then she’s annoyed I called her cuz she was hurrying to go outside to go to her appointment. She used that hour to shower, dry hair and find clothes. But the problem imo, is that she doesn’t tell me she’s leaving home. If I didn’t call her, I would’ve waited way more than an hour. Probably untill she returns home.
To me: “I’m going to shower”, or “I’m going to toilet”, does not mean: this conversation is ended and we talk later in x amount of hours. Especially not if we’re in a conversation (even if it gets interrupted by someone else).
Imo, I don’t find it considerate of her. I mean, she knows I’m waiting.
With the shower, she could’ve said: I’m going to shower but I have to hurry to catch my appointment. Or after the shower she could’ve told me that she’s in a hurry.
With the toilet example, she could’ve just told me “I wanna be alone for a bit while watching a video so don’t wait for me”.
Another example, she tells me “i’m going to the gym, we can talk when I’m home”. I’m like, okay. But then she’s gone sometimes for 5 hours. Why? Because she decides to go a shop and then drink a tea in a cafe and then when she returns home, decided to watch something for half an hour and then she asks “call?”. And I find that annoying. I like a headsup in that situation. Like, to me, there’s a difference in being gone 2-3h and 5 hours. Like, I prefer if she tells me after the gym “i’m going to drink something and then return home to spend some time for myself and then we can call”.
What all these things have in common, is that she says she’s doing “x” but in reality she’s also doing y z and other stuff.
With the shower example, I asked her: in real life, would u do that as well? I’m sitting in the living room, while you’re showering. And then u just leave home instead of saying goodbye or something.Or when we live together and I cook dinner for us, would u also return home much later than anticipated which makes the food go cold or something.
When I try talking to her about it, she says “it’s never enough with you. U always want to talk more.” And she says “I don’t want to explain every minute of my life to u”. Which I do understand but I just don’t think it’s okay to just keep me hanging without notice.
What do u guys think? Am I controlling? Should I work on this?
Like, I have no problem if she wants to spend the whole evening with other ppl. To not be able to call me for numerous hours. But I just like to know that. Especially if we’re in a conversation or sharing a time in bed together in the morning.
I suggested to her to be clear in communication with me. To treat me like I’m oblivious to subtle hints of u wanting to end the conversation to do something else. For example; Instead of saying “I’m going to the toilet” (while after that she’s preparing stuff to study with me without telling me so I’m cluelessly waiting in the bed for her to return), she should say “I’m going to the toilet. And gonna prepare myself to study, u should do the same. See u in 20 minutes” or something like that.
Is that a good suggestion?
Any advice is welcome
24 comments
> My gf and I do ldr. For almost 2 years now.
So have you ever wondered why a 28 year old was interested in starting dating a 19 year old online? Why isn’t she dating someone her age?
How often do you meet each other in person? Are you in the same life stage (given you’re still a student who can’t sponsor your gf yet, clearly not)? Do you have the same timeline? What’s the plan to close the gap?
> Another example, she tells me “i’m going to the gym, we can talk when I’m home”. I’m like, okay. But then she’s gone sometimes for 5 hours. Why? Because she decides to go a shop and then drink a tea in a cafe and then when she returns home, decided to watch something for half an hour and then she asks “call?”.
I’m sorry to say….but you sound extremely overbearing. My husband and I did ld for a few years, and it really shouldn’t be an issue if your partner actually enjoys life a bit without you. Don’t you ever go out? Don’t you ever hang out with friends?
> What do u guys think? Am I controlling? Should I work on this?
Work on it, but yeah….you might simply not be a good match.
> For example; Instead of saying “I’m going to the toilet” (while after that she’s preparing stuff to study with me without telling me so I’m cluelessly waiting in the bed for her to return), she should say “I’m going to the toilet. And gonna prepare myself to study, u should do the same. See u in 20 minutes” or something like that.
Is that a good suggestion?
Sure.
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I’m sorry but based on your comments too, you sound so incredibly naive and gullible. Your age is really showing.
Yeah so, when you’re talking, and she says she has to go, just say, “ok bye! Talk to you later today maybe,” and END THE CALL. Only keep the call on if you’re both there, actively talking.
Stop muting the calls and just hang up. Let her call you when she’s done doing whatever but don’t wait on her, either. She’s living her life, you need to do the same.
Bro have you have heard of being independent? You should try it. You are on whatsapp when she shits. You need so figur yourself out.
Is this coming from a place of fear/insecurity or just a place of annoyance at the situation. I get where you’re coming from, my bf will be on the phone with me, say he’s going to the bathroom, he’s back thirty minutes later with a snack etc, it annoyed me a little at first because I was confused why it took him so long, eventually after the first 2 or 3 times, I got used to just expecting him to come back when he found his way back from whatever had distracted him.
I used to go to the gym for like 5 hours a day, I wouldn’t be glued to my phone. What you’re expecting is a real life relationship in a long distance one, spending every minute together etc with very few ways to spend time together can be exhausting, you both need your own lives, that doesn’t mean either of you will meet someone else. Just relax.
I’m so confused about this thing y’all kids do where you have a call going ALL FUCKING DAY and have to make excuses and explain yourself to leave. That’s a very new thing and it seems incredibly invasive to me.
But she has no business dating a 21 year old either.
Hey, you need to get some self worth. If she needs to go pee and she is off for more then a few minute, hang up and go about your day. To me, you dont value your time nor does she.
You are 21 go about your life, study, gym, friends or hobbies. Who cares what shes doing.
Read up on the grey rock.
Sorry but I didn’t get past the part about a 28 year old woman dating a 19 year old.
Just a whole lot of nope!
Just hang up. Let her live her life.
Oh I just noticed the age gap.
Dude, stop wasting your life.
Find a real person to date.
I like how you’re just pooping all over everyone with advice. You don’t want advice. You want confirmation on your feelings. You’re extremely immature, but after enough heartache you’ll learn. That is if you don’t go psycho and murder your gf. You’re a walking red flag.
Couldn’t even read past the first paragraph. No 30 year old needs to date a 21 year old. If you really want to grow as a person then you need to do your own thing and learn to be your own best friend. Not waiting hours for somebody to return from the loo 😭
Please allow me to be blunt: get a life and grow up and look for girls in your vicinity and age. Sounds to me you don’t have much of a life. You sound very immature and I have no clue what a 30 year old woman is doing with a young guy like you?
Stop waiting around and live your life.
I don’t want to sit on the phone all night and day. I bet she don’t either. You need to go outside and touch some grass like she’s doing.
Yeah it sounds like she doesn’t want to be on the phone/on camera constantly always and forever
LDRs are hard, but this system you have of constantly being on camera and in touch with each other makes the time you have on these calls not special. More than “not special” they may regularly veer into intrusive, obligatory, needy, or boring.
Try a week of scheduling calls as dates, where you spend an hour or less in quality conversation (or whatever you enjoy as an interaction) each day and then say goodbye.
OP out here fighting for his life in these comments. My man you sound like a sad puppy dog, she’s just throwing you around with zero regard and you’re just lapping it up and waiting for the next hit. It sounds like your first relationship so you have no idea what you should allow or stand up for. You got it all wrong man. You really think the overwhelming majority of people in here are wrong? You have no experience, listen to the people with experience, they’re telling you your relationship is trash and this woman is treating you like garbage. Go get a real girlfriend you can actually touch. Get rid of this internet vampire.
Jesus is this a joke? So you want to facetime her 24 hours a day?? Do you have any hobbies? She needs alone time too. Let her call you when she wants and is available, if I was your gf I would be annoyed asf tbh, I’ve been in a relationship for a long time with my bf and we don’t text a lot in a day, we have hobbies and other things to do in life!!!
I have a question rather than a suggestion, why are you in a relationship with someone who doesn’t think even being on a call with you is worth her time? She’ll be on a call with you for a few minutes, and then she will just end the call on her end, and you keep waiting around? Like this is a grown woman doing this to you, you’re barely not a minor. It sounds like you need to shift to looking for someone who prioritizes contact the same way as you do, or maybe just not date for a bit until you have a baseline standard for what is acceptable behavior.
I can see that everyone’s ripping you a new one, so I’ll try to be a little kinder here.
I get it, you love her and want to spend time with her. But you need to realize that people have their own lives. There seems to be a fundamental communication error where you take her proclamations as a “be right back after this thing” when she’s using it as a way to indicate it’s time for her to go and start her day.
I get it, I really do, I was very similar in previous relationships and felt hurt and left out when they were gone longer or I didn’t know what was going on. But it’s unhealthy. Even in relationships people have their independent lives. Being solely dependent on a partner for social interaction or entertainment or value isn’t healthy. You need to find things to do throughout the day instead of expecting her to be there every available moment.
I doubt she’s willingly keeping you in the dark, she’s just going about her day and living in the moment and doesn’t feel the need to check in every step of the way. That’s perfectly normal in a healthy relationship, you need to give her space to breathe. If she says she’s going to the gym, take it as a “I’ve gotta go, I’ll talk to you later” instead of a “Be right back after the gym”. Live your life, let her live hers, and come together when you’re both free and talk about your day instead of expecting play by play updates.
I can’t fault you too hard because I’m guessing you’re young and newer to dating, but it’s something you need to learn if you want more mature and lasting relationships. (And she should probably be dating in her age range and experience if she wants a more mature and experienced partner.)
I was with you until this example
>Another example, she tells me “i’m going to the gym, we can talk when I’m home”. I’m like, okay. But then she’s gone sometimes for 5 hours. Why? Because she decides to go a shop and then drink a tea in a cafe and then when she returns home, decided to watch something for half an hour and then she asks “call?”. And I find that annoying. I like a headsup in that situation. Like, to me, there’s a difference in being gone 2-3h and 5 hours. Like, I prefer if she tells me after the gym “i’m going to drink something and then return home to spend some time for myself and then we can call”.
This is just controlling af. Why does she have to detail everything she does…the end result is when home she will call you. Why do you need to know what she does after the gym or at home before calling you?
Bruh you are exhausting me and I’m not dating you.