TLDR: Found out bf texted a friend about breaking up with me, but continues to act nicely in real life, and even is planning for trips and booking hotels for later in the year.
Bf (29M) and I (27F) have been together for 5 years and lived together for 3 years. We’ve met each others parents, both have stable and high paying jobs, and own two cats together. We had a convo about marriage a few months ago and he admitted that he was not ready but would like to stay together and reassess end of this year (2023).
Yesterday I was working and his computer was making notification sounds nonstop so I went to turn off the notification. I then saw his text history with his friend on the computer. It pretty much says he doesn’t feel loved and the friend suggested that he breaks up this month and he agreed. This text happened a few days ago. I admit it was my bad snooping but the friend was sending inappropriate content so I scrolled up to read more.
I was in shock because there was no indication at all. Bf is very sweet and loving in person. Yesterday he went all the way out to get my favorite food and snacks and surprised me with it. He is helping me with my small business and providing great ideas. He talked about planning a summer vacation with me and was looking at tickets last night. We also have a trip planned with his extended family to a beach in a month. We hug, kiss, cuddle, joke around at home as always.
Now I’m not sure what to think – if he’s planning to break up, why has he acted the same and even wants to make plans? Should I confront him? Or bring up the topic without admitting that I looked at the texts? I’m just shocked that someone could be so two-faced. I know that he is the type that has decision paralysis and always has cold feet and second thoughts when trying out a new thing (school, job, even buying an expensive device). I think I’d like to have an honest conversation but I am now feeling very insecure and betrayed.
19 comments
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Could it not be meaningless man-chat?
What is this inappropriate content that justifies you reading your BFs personal vent session with his friend? Something you don’t like doesn’t mean it’s inappropriate.
Have you ever vented to someone in the past about your relationship in a way you wouldn’t necessarily want your partner to view/hear with zero relevant context?
If he doesn’t feel loved that says more about your relationship than anything. You list stuff that you do for him in another comment but the core of any relationship is making someone feel loved. If you’re doing *all of this emotional labor* but he feels unloved then maybe you think from his perspective to see why he feels this way?
Confront him.
I think you need to rip the bandaid off and tell him you read the messages. Think of it this way: if he takes it horribly and wants to break up over it, part of you was prepared anyway.
I don’t think you’re a bad person for reading his messages. Although you don’t want to make a habit of it, we’re curious creatures by nature. I did the same thing once while using my husband’s MacBook and got pissed when I saw him and his friend texting about a hot girl at a bar lol. I wanted to let it go but it just festered and made me paranoid and upset.
Two things can be true at once: you can be hurt by what he said and ask for an explanation while also admitting you were wrong to go through his messages. But you need to talk about it or you will drive yourself crazy!
Girl talk to him before you book a vacation.
I would sit him down and tell him what i saw. I wouldn’t be able to keep it in, it would hurt me not talking to him about it. I won’t lie, I would probably break up with him… even if he tells me it was just guy talk, that’s so stupid, I wouldn’t be able to get over it and I would question his intentions afterwards. Good luck.
Maybe he’s is talking about his ‘other’ girlfriend not you the legal girlfriend. But kidding aside, you should definitely talk to him.
Please post and update once you have a talk
If I was in your situation I’d honestly just cut my losses at this point. Maybe I’m a bit old fashioned but if my end goal is marriage and a family, have been together for 5 years and lived together for 3 and aren’t certain we’re getting married, what are we doing?
You saw proof that he’s not invested any more. Even if he changes his mind and doesn’t break up with you this month, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who’s still not sure of you after five years? Not just not sure of marriage, but literally teetering on breaking up? You deserve so much better than settling for someone who isn’t completely and utterly in love with you.
I’m just trying to figure this out with you. Do you think he thinks you’re not loving/grateful enough? You mentioned how he went out of your way to treat you and surprise you, do you do the same thing with him–and/or did you thank him sincerely/profusely or you were nice about it but treated it like it’s not a big deal?
Idk trying to figure out with you why is he feeling that way. Unless…he’s a two-faced snake. He acted one way and thought another behind your back.
Definitely do not plan on buying tickets for vacation together if he’s like this.
Honestly, I would talk to him immediately about it. Maybe this is his true feeling, but don’t be surprised if he at first denied that, he may want to break up with you when he’s ready so being sprung like this, and ‘confronted,’ may not what he wanted so he’d lie to you even further only to dump you anyway later on….
Good luck, OP.
Why doesn’t he feel loved by you?
You should have a serious conversation with him and told him when something is going on he must communicate with you not with a friend who tell him to broke up without even talk!
Tell him if he don’t feel love he must told you because now you feel hurt and betrayed by his words when his actions show the opposite ! A relationship need communication to avoid any misunderstanding and be able to work on things who must be.
One way to bring it up is to mention love languages and discuss how each of you show/feel loved. Then you can check in on how to better express your love for one another. If he says you’re doing exactly what he needs to feel loved and you agree with him then yeah it would seem he’s “two faced.” If he uses this opportunity to explain he needs love shown a different way/in more ways/more often/etc then I’d say it’s safe to assume his acting lovey dovey despite sending that message is probably his way of giving it one last chance before he decides if he wants to break up.
Going forward. Talk to him. This need a grown up conversation. I couldn’t trust him after this even if he changed his mind, but still talk to him.
I like how you specifically mention that your bf said to his friend that he doesn’t feel loved, and then you immediately follow that up with the things *he* does for *you* rather than the other way around…
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Uh yeah… No shit he feels unloved?
He may be acting sweet out of guilt…
Best thing to do is admit what you did (honesty is the best policy) and talk about it. As hard as it will be try and be calm and collected… and if he does decide to leave make sure you have friends and family around to support you, and never let him back into your life. This reeks of “maybe the grass is greener” and he will regret what he’s done when he realises what he’s lost – but you deserve someone who’s certain.
All the best.
Confront him in a different way
“I hope you know that I love you, but I would like to know if there are things I could be doing to make you feel more loved? Either I’m not doing them now, or I don’t do them enough. I think you do a lot of things that show me love so I would like to know if there are things that I can do to make you feel loved.”
Then see what he says.
Per your post, he says that he doesn’t feel loved. And then you made a list of what he’s doing for you, to show you how much he loves you. Maybe he wants you to do something that shows him how much you love him.