TLDR: Can you have a successful, happy, fulfilling marriage and family but with zero attraction?
I am a young feeling and looking 38, my ex-fiancé is a very old/feeling and looking 32. We dated, fell fast, he proposed, then we accidentally got pregnant. Now we have the most beautiful 1 year old which I love and is my world, but we keep breaking up. I have zero attraction toward him and I am not in love with him, but he is attracted and in love with me.
You can see my post history, I’ve posted before. I fell quick bc I did think I fell for him in the beginning, he was funny, kind, generous, fun, cute enough, and I was feeling that ticking clock plus New Relationship Energy so when he proposed I said yes and thought it was the right decision. But shortly after getting engaged and pregnant and moving in together I realized he did so many things that turned me off.
He gained a bunch of weight, has never been to the gym in over 2 years of being together even tho we live literally steps from it, eats junk food all the time, has no hobbies and only 1 friend who he rarely sees, does nothing else except his IT job, is a negative person a grumpy and complaining a lot of the time, and he can be verbally abusive to me and calls me names, makes me feel horrible, randomly explodes in sometimes hours-long yelling or “lecturing” rants.
At this point my vagina and heart have both seemed to close off for him, I have not felt sexually attracted to him or even lovey romantic feelings for him in over a year at least, and I dread sex with him.
We have had a dead bedroom for a while aside from some duty sex sometimes. I left him 2 months ago when he went into another verbally abusive rage and I just couldnt take him yelling at me in front of our child anymore. He begged me and love-bombed me to come back, I finally gave in bc I always feel so guilty and I’m a compassionate person, perhaps too much, and being home this week he seems to have made a turn around with a lot of things and he has been calm and chill. But I still feel no attraction for him and I don’t think it will ever come back. We are like room mates.
I fear if I break things off for good I am too old now to ever find my person and real love, and have more siblings for my baby and a real family that I’ve always dreamed of. So I’m wondering, if he doesn’t do another angry outburst and stays calm, if I should just settle for a sexless “friend” type marriage, because, at least it is some sort of partnership and family. But I soo want real romantic love with a soulmate and I soo wish for my son to see that modeled in his parents. If I choose this life, he will not see that. Help! I’m at a fork in the road and Cant stop crying over indesisiveness. Advise or perspectives appreciated
1 comment
You really buried the lede here. Attraction is the least of your issues, he’s abusive. Is that the environment you want your child raised in? I grew up with parents who fought constantly, and watched my mom get belittled and degraded daily. It is not okay for a child to live in a home with that behaviour. It will have long term effects, trust me.
I wish my mom had left my dad because we all could have had a much better life. My siblings and I have all ended up in at least one abusive relationship. Why? Because we grew up seeing it and didn’t know what a healthy relationship fucking looked like! If you have no sense of self-preservation, please leave for your child’s sake. There are online domestic violence resources that will help you make an exit plan so that you can leave safely.