To keep a long story short as possible, we’ve been dating almost a year now.
I was becoming insecure because he wasn’t respecting my boundaries. He has a lot of friends who are OF creaters/just like putting their bodies out there. Okay, cool, whatever, you friends with them before social media. I constantly was explaining how he could be friends without supporting their journey of nakedness. Why do you need to see them naked? They’re just friends right?
Many arguments followed how I need to more confident in myself and that they’re just friends regardless. That he can’t control what they post, which I agree, but you can control what you see if you continue to follow them.
Eventually, I started noticing that he has a wondering eye. Literally infront of me, could be holding my hand, and still drools when another attractive woman walks in the room.
Yes, it’s natural to find other people attractive while in a relationship. Yes, it’s ok to glance and acknowledge the presence of someone walking near you. It’s the fact that he would stare for so long. I would have finished my meal before he realized how long it was.
Then, when I make a comment like, “why don’t you ask for her number?” Now I’m in the wrong. What is right? No, but neither is what he’s doing.
Now I’m still insecure, I’m rude, and I’m making him feel bad. I try to express to him in the most calm and mature way I possibly can, I’m ‘gaslighting him’ because he knows what he did and didn’t do.
We moved on because I was tired of being accused of gaslighting when I was trying to express how his actions don’t make me feel secure in the relationship.
Fast forward, we’re in his bed watching game play videos and I end up falling asleep, he’s still watching. Next day, he goes to work and I had the day off. I opened up YouTube on the TV to pull up the game play from the night before because I wanted to finish watching the game play I fell asleep too.
Opening up history, I see DOZENS of twerking videos, adult con, hentai, drunk girls at the club, etc. My stomach dropped. I still feel betrayed and gaslit. After he kept telling me I was being insecure and that I was projecting.
We had plans later in the day, I texted him canceling our plans and that I was going home. When he asked why, I simply listed off the names of all those videos he watched literally while in bed with me that he waited to watch after I fell asleep.
He comes over to confess of his porn addiction. That he was going to work on it on his own but it got out of hand. He profusely apologized, but it’s like, were you sorry while watching or that you got caught?
He begged that he didn’t want to lose me. I had enough. This whole thing of making me feel bad when you were actually doing things that were inappropriate in a relationship.
He said I could go through his phone, which is opening pandoras box, but now that porn addiction is in the mix I felt like I had to. I had to see if he was cheating, if he was paying for services, etc. It’s hard not to compare yourself when you look nothing like the girls he’s watching.
Fast forward again. We took a break, we got back together and he’s now in therapy for the porn addiction. It’s actually been several weeks since he last watched/looked at any porn he says.
I still feel yucky. We went from having sex if not daily to almost none. I told him I couldn’t until I was ready again. I’m still hurt. I still feel insecure. I’m not happy still now.
He thanks me everyday for sticking by him. He’s making changes, he feels better now that porn isn’t apart of his lifestyle, that it’s challenging, but the situation has been eye opening. He’s acting like when we first met which is so nice, but I’m still not happy or feeling secure.
Today, he left his phone behind to take a shower. His phone got a notification, so I looked.. then I just opened his phone. Then I did another deep dive into pandoras box. I read his notes which is where he journals.
In said note, he expressed how he felt I was being mentally Abusive, that I’m manipulative because I kept a calm composure when I went through his phone that it was almost aggressive.. Even though he offered! Or how he feels like he can’t be his own person. Even though his hardships I was cold to him. Then I saw where he said he’s not sure if he’s sexually attracted to me.
I. Feel. Sick.
I don’t know what to do or say. By the time he had offered me his phone I was already over it. I thought about breaking up then. I have cried so many tears over him. It didn’t matter how many times I cried, but the one time I showed frustration I’m aggressive? I still teared up, I know i had a very stern voice from holding back tears, but i never once yelled at him.
I’m so confused. I felt like I was ready to have sex again with him today after he’s been making a point to make changes. I was feeling confident in myself again after some time apart and seeing how he was treating me so kindly again, but after reading that, all urges went away immediately. I’m having such a hard time even looking at him right now.
21 comments
Well, my ex recorded us in bed. With out me knowing. And posted it on a porn site….
This is just bad. Straight up just break up tomorrow.
Split up, for both your sakes
OK let’s say his sexual drive is high and he uses porn to relieve that stress then his girlfriend tells him he is being unfaithfull and hurtful because it’s another women’s image. Most men would laugh it off and say your being paranoid and most women want there men to be happy without wanting sex 24/7 without cheating. So if he has committed to trying to stop his natural sexual instincts by seeking pherapy for a widly spread porn addiction that most people have to sastify you. Then it’s time to feel good because you won but instead of that you was unhappy and read his personal notes about his emotions which he was probably asked to get in touch with by his pherapist to see why he is addicted to porn so I advise a joint pherapy session for you both and maybe watch porn together.
> Help… my 34 fucking years old, perverted, lame ass bf of a year doesn’t respect me, is a cunt, and I don’t know how to feel about it….
There, FTFY
Demand better in your next partner
Yeah, your bf is wrong here. He just isn’t ready for accountability, so he is playing victim. This isn’t a healthy relationship for either of you. Time to break and move on.
To summarize:
* You expressed a discomfort over him looking at OF, he dismissed it
* He openly stares at and admires other women while he’s with you. When you express it (even if you are passive-aggressive about it sometimes), you fight instead of resolving it
* When you try to express how you feels, he says you’re gaslighting him. Instead of addressing this, you “move on” because you’re tired of him telling him he’s gaslighting you. Okay
* In response to you feeling betrayed, he calls you insecure instead of discussing it
* In response to you doing something that he told you to do (going through his phone), he calls you manipulative
* On the surface, he treats you kindly; in his journal, he writes awful things about you
Yikes
> Or how he feels like he can’t be his own person.
Let him be his own person. Break up with him.
It’s okay to enter a relationship having differing views on porn and whether it’s appropriate in a relationship. It’s okay for one person to watch it while the other does not. It’s okay to talk about these things. But none of this is about porn— it’s about the fact that the two of you cannot communicate and he refuses to take accountability or be honest about literally anything
You both violated boundaries.
He might be a porn addict, but his behavior with staring at women like that in your presence is a huge problem. And your joke was actually pretty kind to what you should have said to him. And having him finally address it because he got caught is a common but unfortunate situation, it makes it hard to know if he really thought this was a problem or just wants you take him back. Also compulsive sexual addictions are s not something that just gets better after a few weeks. It requires serious work of looking at yourself, how you think about others (not just sexually) and also making sure you are not suffering from other mental health issues. Basically it’s something you change how you live your life to address. So be aware this is going to take a long time.
It’s understandable that you went through his phone. Unfortunate but understandable and looking for evidence of cheating as a balm to your insecurity is a temporary one. But you really crossed the line reading his journal. A journal is the place where you get out all the shit that is in your head. It’s supposed to be a safe space to work out your thoughts feelings etc. For an porn addict a lot of those thoughts are toxic and shitty, but they need to come out to be examined and dealt with. He might not have ever gotten to that part but you don’t know. And you have violated that private space for him to possibly deal with it. If you confront him on this it will make it impossible for him to deal with his addiction. He could end up just stuffing those thoughts down a hole until they cause relapse after relapse.
Here is my advice to you from someone that has experience with this kind of recovery. Decide if you can ever trust him again without you confirming all the time like going through his phone. Not right now but down the line. If you cannot you need to end this. If you can think what it would take for him to get that trust again and tell him what you need. Then see if he does it. And stop confirming as best you can.
Side note: Ironically how he reacts to learning of her reading his journal is a good indicator of how good his recovery actually is. If he abases himself like he did when caught with porn, it’s tenuous at best. If he is angry with the violation of his privacy and refuses to not be angry about it, good sign.
It sounds like a lot of expecting an autonomous human being to change who they are, and judging them because they won’t change into somebody else. I know this isn’t a super verbose novel with lengthy anecdotes like people often go out of their way to read, but I think it’s pretty straightforward.
You love/like him or you don’t. Yes or no. Then you ask yourself if you can stay with him without changing him. Yes or no. If YES, set parameters. Flexible and amenable parameters but make it clear what your Soft NOs are and what your Hard NOs are in terms of what you’ll accept from the relationship
Then stick to it.
Hope you find the answers you seek!
There goes the long story short
Ew, he sucks. You’re only 26 and in the prime of your life, don’t waste it with this sleazeball
It’s clear that he has an addiction and a variety of other issues that most wouldn’t be happy being in a relationship with and you don’t trust him, so why are you keeping this relationship going? It’s also a red flag in most people’s opinion to overlook glaring red flags. You both have some issues you need to work through outside of this relationship, but to summarise you don’t trust him so why stay with him.
Focus on what you can control. Break up. If you can’t trust someone, don’t be with them. Maybe figure out what you need to work in personally that lead you to go through other peoples phones.
Nothing that he did was your fault but you are responsible for choosing the path of going through his phone and you need to figure out why that is. Or at least it may be helpful for you to figure that out.
Take care, OP. I wish you a better relationship in the future.
Unfortunately the internet and the ease of watching porn and sex chatting has made porn addictions that much more common. Not having sex with him, does not help the situation. Why don’t you try watching porn together? Go on couple cam porns together. Your making him feel ashamed of his sexual desires and he shouldnt especiallyń when he’s not technically cheating on you, he’s just watching but you should compromise and join him, he will be so excited and turned on and you may actually like it. If you don’t do this you probably womt last. I’m speaking from Experience, I dealt with the same thing and I joined him and not only did we start having amazing sex together our relationship grew stronger and we just had our 10 year wedding anniversary this week.
34 and addicted to porn is kinda pathetic.
His problems should be his if that’s how he feels
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My ex was the same way. I had to tell him not to follow his friend’s nude account because it was inappropriate. He immediately refollowed when he dumped me (suddenly too, out of the blue). He would constantly gush over women in public, give them compliments on their makeup or outfits (he stopped giving me compliments maybe after the first few months), and his eye would wander so much I swear the number of steps it out on. Like it was training for a marathon.
He eventually wound up cheating on me (I’m 99.9% sure, sadly I don’t have explicit hard proof but I know it happened) and he’s still loose with boundaries with the new girl — he messages me constantly asking about my sex life (which I’m pretty sure is cheating) and even asked because he “wanted to live vicariously.” Gross. He bragged to another friend how many girls he could get. He is a slimy short man with a belly and receding hairline. Not to bodyshame, but this man is gross and is not actually getting these women or else he’d dump his current gf to date better. It’s all fantasy and validation.
Men like this never change. It goes beyond porn addiction. It’s an emptiness inside, a desperate need for validation, and an ego that lacks healthy levels of empathy. Your bf will always do this. My ex will always do this. Cut him off and treat yourself right.
Just breakup with this jerk. Do you really need to go through crap like this constantly in a relationship? You don’t and you can do better than this creep.
Girl fuck that guy.
So, he’s addicted to porn, abusive, isnt interested in you sexually.. doesn’t sound like boyfriend behaviour.
I’d leave. Toxic af relationship. Leave the dirty old man.