**Context:** my partner and I have been together for 10 years. I’m very social and have a wide circle of friends, but over time he’s grown increasingly socially anxious and withdrawn. As a rule, he doesn’t like most people and values personal space; he isn’t super keen on most of my friends and finds meeting people stressful.
We work around this by rarely inviting people over and me going stag to most events. He particularly doesn’t like weddings; the last time we went to one, he completely mentally and emotionally shut down halfway through and had to leave, which people noticed and a few commented on—to his later dismay.
He isn’t blind to me missing having company over and worries he’s depriving me of being the (very) social person I am. On the other hand, I feel like I’m constantly forcing him to choose between loneliness or discomfort when trying to balance my social calendar.
**The conflict:** we are going to a wedding in a few days. He agreed to come and we RSVPed, but now we’re about to leave, he’s very upset and wants to flake… but agreed to go if I tell him to.
I’m conflicted. On the one hand, I feel it’s rude to RSVP to a catered event and ditch it at the last minute. I was also looking forward to going with him rather than solo.
On the other… forcing him to attend seems like an asshole move on my part given how tough this is for him. Also, I’m probably overestimating how much people will care that he skipped and how much happier I’ll feel having his company.
So my question is: should I push him to attend, or should I go alone and let him skip? I know this is small stakes, but we agreed to ask here because it’s a frequent source of conflict and we both feel some outside perspective would be valuable.
**tl;dr:** socially-anxious partner wants to flake on a wedding this weekend after we RSVPed. Should I ask him to come anyway or is that unfair?
16 comments
So what is HE doing to manage HIS anxiety?
Edit: Submitted too soon.
It is rude to RSVP to a formal event like this and then not show. It probably cost the couple per seat that they wouldn’t have spent if he didn’t RSVP yes.
I would be honest with him if I were you. This is his decision to make, but you will be hurt and disappointed if he doesn’t come.
Where in all of this is *him* taking responsibility for himself?
As /u/DFahnz asks, what is he doing to manage his anxiety?
And, on top of that:
> He agreed to come and we RSVPed, but now we’re about to leave, he’s very upset and wants to flake
…where is his sense of personal integrity, either to say “no” so that people don’t spend money based on his “yes” and then flake out, or to follow through with a commitment he has made, even if it causes him discomfort?
Oh, and:
> but agreed to go if I tell him to.
Since when are *you* his mommy, responsible (in his mind, this is not me having a go at you) for telling him what he has to do?
He’s a 36-year-old man, not a child, and *he*, not you, is responsible for 1) managing his own anxiety, 2) managing his own integrity in *light* of his anxiety, and 3) managing his own decisions in light of his anxiety and personal integrity.
He’s a grown up. He said he’d go to the event. That’s not something that involves you or making sacrifices to make you happy. That’s just him working on the anxiety making deliberate choices on where he does and doesn’t appear with you. The moment for him to decide if this was an event he wanted to skip cos of stress, was when the RSVP was supposed to happen. It’s quite shitty to put it now on you to ‘make him go’. You’re not his mommy and you’re not the villain in this situation.
There are some techniques for getting through this stuff. One can learn how to make small talk and have a general idea of what is/isn’t taboo as to avoid what to discuss. People love talking about themselves and once you know what keeps one going, just push that button and let them do the hard work. These are your friends, OP, you can tell him about what those buttons are. Having some breaks by just walking away now and then to find a quiet spot is also acceptable. Also a win trick: dancing with you! He doesn’t have to talk and he doesn’t have to be great at it, but he’ll probably charm your friends if he dances with them. If he spreads this out a bit, it can make time go faster. Does take some practice to get good at it.
He could also look into breathing techniques and other ways to get control over anxiety in general.
For context, I have severe social anxiety that has, at times, turned me into an agoraphobe who can’t even leave my house or let visitors in. My lack of sympathy for your partner is not rooted in ignorance about mental health. Quite the opposite. This guy is taking no responsibility for his own problems and that’s a huge problem. He’s making his anxiety worse by letting it rule him.
>he’s very upset and wants to flake… but agreed to go if I tell him to.
Uh. Is he a little child who needs a daddy to instruct him to live up to his commitments? Or is he a 36 year old man who agreed to go to a wedding, despite knowing he can’t stand weddings? He made his own bed now he wants you to sleep in it. Fuck. That.
>I feel it’s rude to RSVP to a catered event and ditch it at the last minute.
You are correct. It is rude.
>I was also looking forward to going with him rather than solo.
Not to be mean, but why? The last time you took him to a wedding, he failed to manage his anxiety and had a meltdown. Sounds like he’s done jack shit about his anxiety since that wedding, so the same thing is going to happen at this one. You’re not going to be able to enjoy yourself because he’s going to make it all about himself.
If I were in your shoes, I’d tell him it’s time to see a doctor or he can see himself out. He doesn’t have to become a social butterfly. I’m a super introverted hermit, but you better believe I show up for important events. Does it make me anxious? Sometimes, yes. I push through it because at the end of the day, I want to be a dependable and good person for my loved ones. If I can’t push through my anxiety alone, I seek medical help.
>He agreed to come and we RSVPed, but now we’re about to leave, he’s very upset and wants to flake
Once you RSVP yes to a wedding, it’s a *huge* AH move to no-show.
He should want to keep his word. He should occasionally do things for you that he wouldn’t ordinarily do on his own. And he should be able to grin and bear it without sulking or having a tantrum or abruptly leaving.
Honestly, if he can’t keep his word, won’t accompany you anywhere, won’t even attend weddings, is this relationship worth keeping? It’s one thing to have a slight personality incompatibility, but this is pretty extreme. Personally, I couldn’t stomach having a ghost for a partner.
It’s never “unfair” to ask for something that is important to you.
You’re not “allowing” or “disallowing” him. You’re not gonna tie him up and drag him in. So tell him No. You’re not “telling” him to do anything. He doesn’t get to put that on you, and make it your job or responsibility to tell him what to do. You’re not his Mommy or his prison warden. You’re his partner, and you’re telling him this is *important* to you.
You’re asking him to prioritize your desire to have him join you at the event you both agreed to attend. It’s on him to communicate to you if this is a compromise he is capable of making. And if it isn’t, he needs to say so clearly, and have to respect it.
It’s okay to be disappointed in him if he chooses not to attend. It’s not your job to be permanently cheerful just because he has a mental health struggle. You still get to have feels. And it’s not okay to take on the role of making this choice for him — that is not a fair position for him to put you in and a role you must always reject. He is responsible for his needs and his choices.
In this situation- I’d tell him I’m hugely disappointed in him for agreeing to attend a wedding and flaking at the last minute. Throw an extra hundred bucks in the card and go without him.
You can’t *force* him to attend. So please stop thinking that’s even an option. You can *ask* him to honor the commitment he made and find a way to cope, but ultimately, what he actually does is up to him.
I’m sorry that merely requesting your partner’s presence at an event he’s already agreed to attend makes you feel like an asshole. You should not have to feel like that for having perfectly reasonable expectations. He is more than old enough to know how to soothe himself if he gets overwhelmed, and he is more than old enough to make his own decisions about where he goes and what he does there. You are not responsible for shielding him from every task and obligation that makes him uncomfortable. If he has placed that expectation on you, it was unfair of him to do so, and it’s going to cause real problems in your relationship when you inevitably fail to bubble-wrap him to his liking.
As a socially-anxious person who would prefer to be alone most of the time, when I say I will attend something like this, it is my responsibility to figure out how to do so in such a way that will allow me to manage that. This is especially true if I know at the time I commit that it is important to my partner.
He KNOWS you want him to go. He KNOWS it’s important to you. He’s just offloading the responsibility onto you because he knows that it’s an asshole move to not go. He wants your permission so he feels less guilty.
edit to actually answer your question: what I think you should say to him is that you asked him to go because it is important to you, but the decision to go or not to go is with him. you won’t be his excuse either way.
He RSVP’d yes, so he needs to go. He also needs treatment for his social anxiety. This level of anxiety isn’t normal, and he doesn’t have to live like this.
Make him go. He might even get dancing and enjoy himself. Can happen. If he’s having a bad time, let him leave after dinner.
Knowing he has severe anxiety, knowing he had to tap out of the last wedding, and knowing that it was MORE embarrassing after the fact when people saw him leaving… he RSVPed.
He made that choice, and now he gets to stand by it. He doesn’t have to *ever RSVP for a wedding ever again*, but he needs to follow through on this one.
After this one, you two can have a long talk about what else he can do and what should or shouldn’t be off his list, but he gave his word and things have already been prepared for him.
Honestly it sounds like it’s doctor time. He’s self-managed best he can, and he’s trying therapists but hasn’t connected with one. Anti-anxiety meds are the logical step here.
Pretty shitty that he’s putting the emotional labor all on you here. It’s up to you to tell him to go or not, so that when he’s miserable he can blame you for it. (*You* know what he’s like and *you* made him go anyway! Or you told him to stay home, so the hosts can’t call him flaky! Its all on you that he didn’t go!) Fuck all that, he has to choose one, and he’s 100% responsible for how it goes and who is hurt by his behavior.
This sounds like an ASD/ADHD couple. I seem to recognize myself and my partner in this dynamic.
He is the social butterfly and I am clearly not.
I would urge your partner to get some help, somehow someway.
If it turns out he is neurodivergent, and the wedding isn’t manageable for him, then really, he needs to choose his well-being over the wedding.
However, if he chooses not to go to the wedding…. I would take him to a center and have him professionally assessed.
I have no advice to offer, but I could have written this post myself. My husband is the same, I know how it feels to be caught in the middle. Sending hugs! X