My husband and I have been together for 29 years and married for 22. We have an incredibly close, deeply loving relationship, so I really want to emphasize that I’m not asking this because I don’t love him or love him any less than I used to or anything of that nature. My husband is a very emotional person (and I mean that as a compliment) and tends to love who/what he loves incredibly intensely and hate that which he hates very intensely too. This is particularly true with me, as he has always been very upfront that he loves me more than anyone or anything else (and his feelings are requited).
However, I feel that his capacity to love me just seems greater than mine to love him. I don’t mean this to say that I’m incapable of loving deeply – when I compare myself (a nasty habit, I know) to others I think that I generally love as intensely as or more intensely than most people I know well, but my husband far outshines anyone else I know in this regard. He is so selfless without thinking about it, clear about what he would do for me (both with words and actions), and just plain affectionate that I frankly feel bad that the degree to which he feels and does these things is not quite as natural to me.
I do adore him with all my heart, and he deserves to feel the abundance of my love for him to the same extent that I feel it from him. I want to be able to train myself, I suppose, to open my heart a little deeper and make some of the more intense expressions as automatic as they are to him. How can I do that? Is this something that I can actually work on?
TLDR: I want to be able to deepen my love and expression of my love for my husband more – how can I do that?
6 comments
>he has always been very upfront that he loves me more than anyone or anything else
You sure he’s not codependent?
I mean, love isn’t really something that can be tangibly measured or compared on an even scale. Love is just love. What you are comparing seems more to be personality. If you love your husband, then it’s already equal. You don’t have to change your personality to match his. Though that you also say he hates things with much more intensity could mean he possibly has an undiagnosed personality disorder. Though as long as he is capable of functioning and not a danger to himself or others, it’s probably not something you would need to address. I guess love and hate aren’t opposites, though. They both have the same opposite feeling, which is indifference.
If he didn’t feel loved by you the way he wanted or felt, you wouldn’t have been married so long and felt loved by him for so long 🙂
This is so freaking sweet. It sounds like he loves you the way that you are and there is no need to change.
That being said, I think if its important to you it is something you could work on – might not come naturally, but you can build a habit of anything. Maybe think of some small things that you could do/say to express your affection (notes, encouraging words, little things to make his life better) and then commit to that routinely – it might take extra effort and thought at first but over time you can develop a habit that will feel natural to you.
What exactly is the fear that’s feeding the thought process that you’d prefer to love the way he does?
A good prompt for processing that is:
When A happens, I make it mean B. My fear is that means I am C and that eventually D will happen.
Based on what you shared, the prompt could start:
When my partner [is naturally affectionate/clear about what he would do for me?], I make it mean that I love him less than he loves me…
Maybe you two each have different love languages, and so you’re each “speaking” to the other in your own love languages, which then aren’t reciprocated in the ways hoped because it’s not your partner’s love language.