Hi Guys,
This is a long one so get your popcorn…
I (23F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been together for 5 months now. He has been a great partner with the exception of a few spats we’ve gotten into.
He’s gentle, kind, and very loving towards me and i am not ashamed to admit that im very in love with him. Though when he is upset with me, he has a very difficult time taking responsibility for his actions/words.
Yesterday day we were “netflix party-ing” a show and texting each other with thoughts, since we dont live together, when he suddenly stopped replying.
I messaged him asking if we were going to continue watching the show and recieved no answer. I decided that he mustve not noticed his phone go off with the message. It had been 45 mins since the text with no reply so i called. The call goes normally and he informs me that he was, in fact, still watching the show and he didnt see my messages. I jokingly mention how I now have to catch up (something i dont mind at all) and tell him to text me as im about to start doing my night routine. \*\*we always text before we go to bed and send “goodnight” texts whether or not we were on the phone prior\*\*
I leave my phone in my room and go take a shower/do everything i need to do for the evening. this took me about 30 mins. I return and noticed he had never answered. Concerned, i called again. This time the conversation was anything but normal: he responded very angrily. Im paraphrasing, ofc, but the jist of it was:
Me: Hey whats wrong? everything okay?
Him: my god you didnt even give me the chance to f\*\*\*text you back bro give me two f\*\*\*\* minutes yo. youre so f\*\*\*\* annoying. You always do this. You always have to have some sort of F\*\*\*\*\*\*\* issue bro.
Me: oh….okay? goodnight i guess?
Him: \*Hangs up\*
I texted him and asked him what his problem was to which he responds and immediately deflects and starts saying i am overreacting.
He then stops answering completely. The last message sent from me was at about 10:45pm
It’s important to note something here, I have very severe anxiety and had recently weened off my mediciation (with doctor’s supervision). I havent been feeling myself these last couple days, something i believe is the result of getting off the meds. but to make a long story short, i am in a very heightened state of anxiety.
My boyfriend not only knows this, but has been helping me through some of my panic attacks.
Like anyone else, I have always had my insecurities in our relationship, usually revolving around the fact that im always anxious/annoying and it irritates him. This phone call confirmed it.
The messages after the phone call ranged from me asking what was wrong to fully panicking that we were going to break up. This led to a very very severe anxiety attack. Hyperventilating, crying, shaking. I ran into the shower, hoping the warm water would calm me, so i ended up on the floor of my shower, water washing over me, while taking deep breathes. At around 3am i dragged myself to bed and fell asleep.
I know to some this may sound like an overreaction, but not being on medication has really made it difficult to control my emotions, specifically my anxiety. I have intense abandonment issues and an anxious attachment style. What he said was literally my worst nightmare coming true.
This morning, i recieve a text message from him asking me what had happened last night.
Confused, angry, and hurt – i told him what had went on and proceeded to tell him never to speak to me again.
He tells me he has no recollection of this conversation and that he only remembers the first phone call. I asked him how that could be so when I recieved 2 text messages from him after the second and last phone call. He doubles down on not remembering.
Throughout this entire day, he seems irritated that i can’t let this go. He refuses to take any accountability for it, though has said “sorry” to (i believe) just shut me up.
I love my boyfriend but his words hurt me very deeply and his lack of care today has only made it 10 times worse.
I dont know whats going on or what i should do. Please, any advice would be helpful.
38 comments
You gotta chill out
I think its a bad sign that he acts different when he’s away from you however 5 months together isn’t really a long time.
He absolutely does remember. He’s just pretending not to to avoid taking any responsibility for his actions. If he’s willing to lie about forgetting saying something hurtful towards you the night before, then he’s not sorry he hurt you, he’s sorry he’s recieving consequences for hurting you. You weren’t overreacting at all. Anxiety is hell and he was being insensitive. It would be one thing for him to say what he said and acknowledge what he did was wrong and apologize after, but to claim he doesn’t remember doing it at all? That’s fucked.
I wish I had some good advice, but really, all I can say is to tell him how you feel. And if he continues to lie to you, then I don’t know. Someone who’s going to lie their way out of taking accountability for their actions does not make a good partner.
Sweetheart, I say this as someone with GAD: get back on meds. Also, learn to let things go. If you were the last person to reach out, leave it alone. He didn’t have a heart attack, he isn’t mad at you, he didn’t get kidnapped or robbed. Do your thing and leave it alone until the next day.
Also, this guy kind of sounds like an asshole. There’s no way he forgot texts and an entire conversation. He was speaking the truth that he’s getting overwhelmed and annoyed, and is trying to walk it back now.
Why are you trying to get off your meds? It sounds like you very much need them. I need them too! There’s nothing wrong with being on meds for anxiety.
Honestly, it sounds like he didn’t want to keep texting. He should have said so politely rather than blowing up on you, then lying afterwards, but it does sound like you were being kind of pushy/needy tbh. If he doesn’t answer you, just let it go!
Honey, you are in charge of your own mental health, not him. You need to get back on meds and work on yourself, not depend on him for too much.
He was way out of line and definitely remembered, that is not ok to speak to you like that. But it sounds like you really need to get back on your meds if that causes you to break down that way. I can understand he might be frustrated having to take care of you and make sure nothing sets you off, however it’s never ok for him to speak that way to you.
He remembers. He’s trying to gaslight you.
Break up with him. Talk with a therapist.
I wouldn’t think someone that loves me and respects me to would talk to me like that. Even while they’re “sleeping”. This guy clearly does not know how to express frustration constructively. It’s really worrisome that he’s lying about remembering. Even if he has no recollection, he should be apologizing profusely for giving you such a bad night. Something weird is going on. You’re probably going to want to watch his actions more closely if you continue to see him.
You already told him not to speak to you ever again, the anxious attachment style self fulfilling prophecy, to always bring to you what you fear the most, get help, unless you can find a man that knows how to sooth your anxiety, you will always push them away. And if your boyfriend spoke like that in his sleep, I imagine he has been holding it inside him for a while, how does that make you feel, do you even care you put people through that??
Ok that is super weird. I have heard of this kind of thing happening when people are asleep but it typically takes a while to get into the part of sleep where this kind of thing happens.
Anyway, I’ll jump to a threshhold issue: If you get anxiety over someone not texting you back within an hour, you’re not ready to be in a realtionship and you should go back to taking some time for yourself, weaning from your medicatoin, etc, and move on from there. Because a relationship is just going to stress you out too much, there’s going to be too much unpredicatability no matter who you’re with. And you need to get to a place where you don’t freak out about people not texting you back.
Block him. You told him to never speak to you again. Help him with that by not responding. He is a really bad guy and showed you how little he cares about you.
There is no good explanation for his behavior , he mistreated you and lost you.
I think that the argument that you had with your sleeping boyfriend is minor compared to the huge issue of your anxiety. Talk to a psychiatrist and get back on you medication. As someone who has been on the other end of a loved one’s anxiety driven panicked mental breakdown, I have to say it is exhausting. It is not fair to you and the people in your life to carry on like this with no help.
Damn that’s a harsh response from him. And anytime a grown man utters the word bro he may as well be a fucking pre teen in my eyes. He’s not the guy for you. You need a guy who’s more in line with you. Some women need more dialogue and a little more reassurance than others and you shouldn’t be ashamed of that. He’s got some growing up to do.
Gaslighting 101: he remembers everything. He refuses to acknowledge what he said, and would rather pretend or make you look crazy.
Learn to not love him, because he doesn’t love you. If he loved you, he would have never done any of that to begin with.
Do you think maybe he was drunk? Hence only remembering the 1st convo, and falling asleep?
Sorry but you sound exhausting and he is not that great either. Maybe work on yourself before going for a relationship.
Idk you sound pretty annoying.
I think the important thing here is to first prioritise your own mental health. When someone is struggling with mental health issues and is being titrated on/ off meds, being in a relationship can make an unstable period in your life more unstable, I think it’s best to take a step back from dating, focus on yourself and your mental health recovery and try again in future once you’re more settled. This is one of the main reasons those in AA/ recovery programmes are advised to abstain from romantic relationships for the first few months to a year of their recovery, it can be very destabilising and can actually really hinder your recovery process. Good luck managing your anxiety and finding something that works for you!
Not on topic, but for anxiety attacks cold water is actually more effective than warm for pulling you out of them. Look up the DBT TIPP skill—using cold water on your face (the colder the better) activates the dive reflex and your anxiety will diminish pretty fast. Not to say it can’t come back—it probably will within 30 minutes or so—but it’ll give you a chance to use other things to help you regulate in the meantime.
Its ok to tell him what you need and then he knows
Yeah, I think he’s lying about him doing this in his sleep.
You really don’t need a relationship right now you need therapy
I’m a walker, talker, coffee making and shower taking while sleeping kinda girl. I have made bottles, changed a baby, fed him and stripped and remade the crib while asleep. The only thing I have never been able to do successfully while sleeping is make a sensible conversation. If someone asks me if I want eggs for breakfast, I’m going to answer something like “I did set the parking brake”
I don’t believe the sleeping and had a entire conversation pointing out flaws with and being insulting over the phone for several minutes. A sleeping person wants to finish the task and go back to sleep. If he would have yelled to
leave him alone and hung up, maybe. I think is a lame story to cover bad behavior and you’re being gaslit
yeah NO fucking way can he talk to you like that and then try to gaslight you into thinking you.. what? hallucinated it? this dudes bad news. gaslighting you this hard this early in the relationship? itll only get worse. run
It’s only been 5 months and he’s already frustrated with your anxiety and gaslighting you? He’s wayyy too comfortable. He knows you won’t leave him and is using that to his advantage. You really need to get back on some meds for the anxiety if you can and break up with him. He’s 100% remembers both phone calls, he is lying.
Obviously what you do is YOUR choice and should be respected! My thoughts thou are if this is the only thing you’d be breaking up with him over , I wouldn’t. You mentioned he’s usually not like this and that he’s been supporting you throu your mental health journey ( as he should! ) so this seems very out of character. He maybe had a bad mental health day, or is stressed or anxious about something and it all snowballed into that weird interaction. He may not be taking accountability and treating it like a big deal bc to him it wasn’t and he couldn’t even remember it. (If that’s even true?!) And maybe thinks you getting so upset about it wasn’t necessary bc what he said meant nothing. We’d all love our partners to meet us where we are and truly see things from our point of view but that’s not going to happen every time, and a good strong relationship can recalibrate and see it through. I hope you two can do that! But if this him comes out again, I’d rethink it!
Does he take any sleep medication?
I mean if that caused you to spiral like that I can see his reaction lining up. Idk, I was w someone w severe anxiety/agoraphobia. I worked 60-70 hours a week for 2 years straight, never a day off, bc he couldn’t control his anxiety. We are not together anymore.
It’s not his responsibility to calm you or soothe you. It sounds to me he’s already fed up. Just break it off, and maybe go back on a low dose of your meds or something bc girl that’s just ridiculous.
Okay so:
My girlfriend and I both will curse the other out if we are “woken up” by the other. We are still mostly asleep, but awake enough to be annoyed. Usually it’s something like “leave me the fuck alone” or “why do you always fucking do this” and then roll over. Shit like that. It is very obvious that my gf is asleep / not really conscious when she says that. Neither of us will say more than a sentence either. Usually it’s in that whiney “five more minutes” tone. I don’t usually remember it, but when I do it’s just a general “I was woken up last night 🤷♀️”
It would not be more than that, and usually the phone will wake us up enough to be cognizant. Any time I have been texting basically asleep it ends up basically unintelligible and is never an actual conversation. Stuff like “you. Should comm ocer .” Or something like that. Think like stereotypical drunk texting spelling and grammar
This is, of course, just my experience with myself and my gf. I am not saying that your bf was awake, but I am saying that it is unlikely that he was asleep.
I think he is using that as an excuse to abuse you and be mean, but without any of the consequences. He wants to be mean, but also wants a partner.
You need to leave. You deserve better. There are people who respect you out there
Also, good luck with your anxiety. It sucks coming off medication. I’m still trying to find a anxiety med that works for me. Can’t take ssris, my current one knocks me out (but hey… can’t be anxious if you’re passed out ig. I don’t end up taking it 99% of the time tho). It would be cool to tryValium or something, but I’m already on two other controlled substances so it probably won’t happen.
You 100% interrupted his Netflix and chill. And hes obviously lying about blacking out. Block him.
I’m sorry, but to be honest, it sounds like you’re not in a place mentally or emotionally to be in a relationship. Your boyfriend was mean to you and lashed out in frustration over carrying your severe anxiety issues. That’s a lot to ask of someone, especially of someone in their early 20s.
He’s lying to you
Can you screenshot the text and send it back to him?! Or he’s saying he doesn’t remember? Was he inebriated in any way? He should never talk to you like that.
ESH. You seem very demanding in the way you text. Considering it was late at night, he could’ve fallen asleep or, like you said, just didn’t see your message.
The first call you made was justified since this could be considered a “date” type event however the second call was pretty out of line. My long distance bf and I try and do the goodnight routine but many times it just doesn’t happen. We’re tired and we fall asleep. It happens. You didn’t have much of a reason to call him again. It sounds like he feels suffocated by you.
While he absolutely shouldn’t have talked to you that way (frustrated or not) and this is in no way a defense to his actions but I can understand the frustration. You’re going through a major life change (one you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship through) and it’s changing the dynamic of your relationship. My suggestion is to contact your therapist and at the very least, take a break from your relationship. Find methods of dealing with your anxiety yourself. For me, meditation worked wonders. You’re pushing your anxieties onto your bf. The incessant calling and texting is a big no-no during an attack. You need to find a way to calm yourself and come back to the situation with a clear head.
You’re here with the expectation that he’s going to constantly be on-call to comfort you. While he should occasionally, he is not a professional and should not be your go-to. He has no way of knowing how to handle/help you through this, and he has no responsibility to change his ways to accommodate your anxieties. This does nothing but create a very unhealthy dependency on him, and will become a strain on his mental health.
My last note- end the relationship. This has damaged the relationship to the point of retaliation on his part which is absolutely unhealthy and unacceptable. Regardless of his frustration, he has no right to speak to you how he did and then refuse to acknowledge his actions. While your anxiety may be the root of the issues here, that doesn’t mean you are at fault. You need help. That’s never a bad thing.
My take is you are smothering him and he is passive aggressive. He probably also resents you for all the drama. You text him way too much. Who text back and forth while watching a tv show, just watch the show and discuss it later.
As far as the meds go, talk to your doctor if you don’t like them. There are better ways to handle anxiety that pills IMO, but sometimes they are necessary.
Limit screen time, get outside, exercise, eat healthy, etc..
You don’t live together.
There is obviously a reason.
YOU need to calm down, or there will always be a reason.
Dudes so lying to you
TLDR? I think you’ve got ETLA (extended three letter acronym) confusion. Do you mean AITA?