I broke up with my boyfriend last summer because I moved away. We were together for about 9 months but we both knew I was leaving at the end of the summer to move abroad while he would be staying. We agreed from the start that we would break up when I left. We were friends first though and had already developed feelings for eachother. The unspoken plan was to keep it somewhat casual but we really fell for eachother. We knew we didn’t want to do long distance though, and I looked into ways I could stay but I knew deep down I would only be staying for him. So, we broke up when I left.
We both really struggled with the break up. There were a lot of drunk calls and it was unhealthy for a while. Ultimately my friends encouraged me to cut contact to move on. A lot happened between now and then to do with how we both handled the break up and trying to stay friends but this post is already getting very long so I won’t get into it.
Recently, he called me to tell me he was leaving where we both used to live and moving to my city. The conversation was very polite and I didn’t assume it was because of me or bring up that possibility. Last week he called me, drunk, and told me he still loved me. He said he hadn’t moved on and somewhat assumed I hadn’t either. He kept talking about how good we were together and how distance was the only thing that stopped us being together and that wouldn’t be a factor now.
I didn’t know what to say. I just kept repeating the same things over and over, talking about how this was really out of nowhere and I needed to think. But I know I don’t want to be with him. I’m in a much better place than I was post breakup and it took a lot for me to get over him but I think I have. I’m not looking for a relationship with anyone right now, I’m focusing on myself and my career. But even aside from that, in the last few months I’ve recognised a lot of issues in our relationship that I didn’t see at the time because of the whirlwind romance and intensity. I still care about him, but I don’t want to be with him.
I’m worried because I know he’s in a bad place right now. Things are going badly for him career wise and he’s having a lot of issues with his family. I know any relationship we restarted would be very intense as a result of this and our history and I’m not in a place to deal with that. But I’m worried about rejecting him while he’s already so low. He was so hopeful and self assured when he called, I don’t know that he has considered the idea that I don’t want to get back together.
How should I handle this? Part of me thinks I should give it another chance when he moves here, I really did love him when we were together. If I don’t though, how do I tell him? Should I wait until he’s here and talk in person or should I tell him before he moves here? I’m so afraid of hurting him it’s paralysing.
TLDR – Me and my ex broke up because I was moving away. Now he’s moving to the city I live in and told me he wants us to be together again. I don’t think I want to be with him but I care about him and I’m scared of hurting him by rejecting him. I don’t know what to do or say and I’m looking for advice.
3 comments
Quite frankly? You need to absolutely, 100% make things clear for both yourself and him ASAP.
First, you need to decide if you want to be with him or not. Not “I don’t think I want to be with him”, but a clear decision on if you want to give this a shot – even if it ends up just being one date – or not.
The reason I’m saying this is because it seems like he might be moving to your city just because of you. And if that is true (even maybe just partially, as something that has influenced his decision between maybe two places), then he needs to know before the move what’s going on.
This serves two purposes: The first purpose is that it gives him a chance to reconsider the move and/or the location, be it because he has a different, better opportunity elsewhere or because it might just be better for him to not run into you if you don’t want to be with him.
The second purpose is for *you* because, quite frankly… this all sounds *incredibly unhealthy*. Unhealthy from your side because you feel responsible for the mental health of someone who you aren’t responsible for without even being in a relationship with him – this already screams that this relationship would never be healthy. But the fact alone that you wrote that you’re unsure if he even considered the idea that you don’t want to get back together… wow. If he really just assumes you still want to be with him, then this is *red flag galore*. You already recognized some issues with hte bygone relationship, but the fact that he hasn’t (since he said you were so good together), the fact that he is suddenly moving to your place, the fact that he is simply making assumptions about your feelings… this all feels creepy. Like some sort of obsession. You two were broken up, you changed. But in his mind, he kept some image of you – someone you are not anymore – and he is projecting this fantasy image on you now instead of caring about who you have become and are.
I personally, just from what I read here, would advise you to keep the contact cut with him, simply because this is really giving me a bad gut feeling – like if you reject him, but stay in his life and he moves to your city, he might stalk or pressure you and the like. He just doesn’t sound like he is seeing his (non-)relationship with you in a healthy and normal way. And as such, I would tell you to phone him, make it clear that you don’t see a future with him and don’t want him back and that you think it’s better if you two part ways indefinitely since you feel like you are doing better without the relationship and what he told you cemented that idea. Wish him well in life, then block his number and hope that he will leave you alone and not seek you out.
O.k., so you broke up because of LDR. You apparently communicated with each other during the time after the breakup, at least up until you broke contact with him. During any of that time, did you communicate that you would have no interest in resuming the relationship if the distance issue was resolved? A person just doesn’t pick up and move their lives to a new location without a reason. It seems like he was under the impression that you would take him back with open arms. Somewhere, there has been a break down in communication.
Have you been entirely honest with him in past communications? He hasn’t moved on and is clearly head over hills in love with you. If you don’t feel the same, you need to tell him BEFORE he moves to your city. Just tell him the truth. You’ve moved on and are no longer interested in a relationship with him. You hope that you can remain friends, but will understand if he doesn’t feel that is possible. Be firm, but kind. Let him go so that he can find someone to build a future with.
You dont need to be in a relationship if you dont want one. Let him know, when both are sober, that you have moved on from him. There is not going to be a relationship when he moves close to you. You may occasionally run into him but will not make the effort. That should be blunt enough. If he doesnt take that hint then go no contact. Hopefully, you have not shared your address with him