TW to be safe: trauma, child abuse, death, suicide
My bf and I have been living together for 3 years, dating for 5. We moved out of his parents home 2 years ago, just after his mom passed unexpectedly. Since then he’s developed an explosive temper. He’ll blow up over trivial things, refuse to hear me out, yell, scream, and/or throw things (never at me). He later apologizes and says how terrible he feels for making me cry, then do something nice to try and make it up to me. But the cycle repeats I have C-PTSD, when he yells I easily cry and/or dissociate. Which makes all this so hard to process because I may dissociate and forget parts of our fights.
But a few months ago he finally explained why he’s been so angry:
1) I got us into debt.
I was in charge of our finances. I didn’t update him regularly about the credit card balances, because I was scared to tell him. I came clean about the 10k of debt, and he blew up. I know I fucked up but it feels unfair to blame me 100% and dangle this over my head when: I didn’t make any unreasonable purchases, he spent just as much if not more than me, and this would have never happened if I wasn’t afraid of him.
2) I can’t take no for an answer and have to have things my way.
I can be selfish at times (only child) and rather stubborn. But now if he says no I usually drop it.
3) I’m inattentive, he feels I don’t care about his opinions or needs.
It breaks my heart that he thinks I don’t care. I’m trying to be actively listen, be more considerate, and always involve him in decisions big or small.
(for context I have severe ADHD, I am medicated and in therapy but still struggle)
4) I’m bad at cheering him up when he’s upset.
I make sure to constantly tell him how much I love him, how he can talk to me about anything. I’m very affectionate physically and verbally. But I’ve admittedly never been good at comforting others.
5) He stopped cooking because I “disrespected” him and his food.
I would often smoke pot before dinner, and he interpreted that as “you have to get high to even stomach my food”.
Not true, I love his cooking and give him consistent praise and thanks, I just like to smoke to unwind after a long work day.
Stoned or not, I eat slowly and get distracted easily. Sometimes the food would get cold, so I’d microwave it. He perceives this as “ruining” his food.
6) He hates how much I smoke.
Weed is the only thing that makes my scatterbrain quiet down. I smoke most days, but I don’t get high unless it’s the end of the day and I’m not going anywhere. I never smoked this much until 6 months ago when I started thinking about leaving. I’ll admit I’m self-medicating, but sometimes I go cold turkey for at least week to ensure I’m not becoming dependent.
I could keep listing things he resents me for but those are the major ones. After hearing all this I felt like a fucking monster. He’s briefly mentioned some of these before, but I had no idea it was THIS bad. He never talks about his feelings. Yes I fucked up a lot, but he knows I’m bad with social cues and I’ve been begging him for years to open up to me. It’s not fair that he waited almost 5 years for all this contempt to build up before addressing it.
He also has a boatload of trauma: abusive parents, death, homelessness, etc. He tried therapy, meds, nothing helped. Then 2 years ago his mom OD’d and died in his arms. His step-dad killed himself a few months later. I try to be compassionate, but how is it fair that he takes out his unprocessed trauma and grief on me?
I’ve tried to get him to do couples therapy, but he says in 5 years I’ve never let us do things his way, so it’s only fair I give his way a chance. Since this big talk he has been noticeably more vulnerable about his feelings. He says he’s been doing self-reflection and meditation. I know he’s not going to change overnight but I don’t know how much more I can take.
I wonder if there could be something medical aggravating his anger? Over 1 year ago, we thought he had a mini stroke/heart episode, but doctors found nothing. He still has symptoms.
I’ve been contemplating leaving, he knows. But if I leave I’m stuck with the debt (he was an auth. user on my cards). I’d have to move back in with my insufferable parents, I couldn’t take our cat, etc. He is my best friend and we’ve started building a life together. I don’t want to give up on him/us.
Thank you for making it this far. I know we’re both in the wrong but I don’t know what to do/how to cope. Don’t hesitate to be brutally honest, all advice is appreciated.
TL;DR: My bf of 5 yrs. blames me for his temper which has taken a toll on my mental health. I’m unsure if I’m at fault and don’t know how to repair our relationship.
*EDIT: To clarify, I’m already in therapy.