We’ve been in a relationship for 2 years. As soon as I moved in, I found out that he smokes, and has been smoking for a very long time, which is reflected in his teeth and extremely bad breath.
We have fought a lot about this issue, and that if he does not give up smoking, there is no future for us at all. He insisted that I put that smoking issue aside and focus on myself more, for my own good. He also told me that I was too stiff and opinionated because I always “talked back” to whatever he said. He also stated that if I changed myself, the other person would change as well.
Before when we fought, he would find ways to soothe me like hugging and cuddling or so. But now after a fight, he doesn’t even try to sooth me even though we’re in the same bed. It feels extremely lonely, and when I told him that his ignoring me made me feel lonely, he rejected that I was not lonely at all. I cried and he turned over to hug me but I kind of pushed him because I was mad that he hugged me not because he did it voluntarily, but only when I said so. Then he turned over the other side and ignored me crying for almost 20 minutes straight and then turned over again to hug me…
I don’t know…I’m feeling very drained, stiffed, numbed an unable to think straight at all…
We are not that kind of sexually active like before as well.
Yesterday he joked about “seeing each other too much” makes things less interesting and bored. Well I mean we’re living under the same roof now, what do you mean by that?
I asked him what he liked doing, but he said the things he liked doing (working, doing and testing out weird things, etc) were not the ones I liked doing.
TL;DR: I’m feeling drained and numbed when I’m with my boyfriend because of the the things that we disagree about.
12 comments
You are lonely in this relationship. Wouldn’t it be less lonely to actually be alone?
You say yourself there’s no future in this relationship so… Time to leave no?
He’s not gonna quit smoking for you.
you’re not compatible. sometimes you can’t tell that you’re not compatible when you don’t live together, cos when you meet everyone are in their best behavior
People only use this wording – “talking back” – when referring to someone who is supposed to obey them. It’s something a teacher would say about a kid. Do you think this guy even sees you as his equal?
So what I’m reading here is that he wants you to change things about yourself, but he won’t change anything about himself for you.
First of all – someone who actually loves you, loves all of you – warts and all and doesn’t want you to change.
Second – you were 19 when you got together, he was 28 – he is waaay too old for you. He picked you because no woman his age would put up with his abuse.
How does he make your life better?
Seriously girl – run away so fast and so far.
The smoking isn’t the issue here imo. The fact he ignored you when you were crying is horrific imo. There’s no future with this man because is that how he will treat his children when they’re crying too? Horrible.
If I can go back in time and tell my 21 year old self one thing (I’m 36F now) it would be to **raise your standards.**
In my 20s, I put up with so much low-effort behaviour. Stayed with guys who made me feel lonely. Deep down I felt unworthy of more. In the end, these guys ended up dumping *me*. And some even cheated, despite the fact that I treated them like kings. By my late 20s my self-esteem was in shambles, and many of my friends we’re getting married. It was sad.
That said, I’m not saying this exact thing will happen to you, however, I can tell you my female friends who found their husbands by 30 had high standards. As soon as they realized they were not a good match with someone, they left. As soon as they saw bad behaviour, they left.
Remember dating is not marriage. The point of dating is not to try and make it work at all costs. The point of dating is to get to know each other; to assess if you’re compatible. You’re clearly not compatible with this person. The smoking is a dealbreaker. I suggest you leave before you become even more emotionally invested in him.
Why are you surprised that a man who is so emotionally immature he has to date a woman almost a decade younger than him is emotionally immature?
(goddamn i am tired of asking this question)
That age range and attitude tells me that he thinks he could train you.
FYI he said that we break up would hurt us less!
Girl, run. 30 and 21, gee I wonder what the problem is. Also he’s a liar and a jerk? Telling you that you’re talking back, really?
No reason to stay. Ditch him and find a decent guy.
Smoking is one of those deal breakers. A smoker is not going to quit if someone asks them to. They then feel controlled. You have to decide: can you live with a smoker or is it a deal breaker for you?
I find your comments about his “soothing” far more concerning. He showed you how he cared before you moved in with him. Now he is showing you a lack of caring. When there is a shift in a relationship like that, it’s tough to accept. It seems to me from what you wrote that he had a goal of moving you in. Now he thinks you are stuck with him and will accept whatever he does, because you love him. Remember that what you need matters. Can he meet those needs or has he become a jerk?
I’d rather be lonely living by myself than lonely in a bad relationship.