I know the majority of relationship postings on this sub tend to be romantic based ones, but it’s been a struggle to find an audience big enough to get a varied amount of views on the topic of family relationships.
My parents raised me in a very fundamentalist, christian household and we attended a high control church. While I admittedly had a very comfortable childhood for the most part and enjoyed the benefits of having a greater community around me at all times… this naturally became more difficult to sustain as I matured and began to understand the principles and belief system of the church I was attending and started to feel uncomfortable there. I foolishly leaned into peer pressure about committing to it (the commitment is similar to JW baptism) and became a full fledged member despite my better judgement. 8 years later, I left the group after moving out of my parents house at 26. The church held a meeting to officially chuck me out this past year. Apparently I made it easy for them (apparently) by moving in with my boyfriend of (now) 2.5 years.
Now, my relationship with my parents has always been one marked by authoritarian rule. While my parents were loving, they were not overly affectionate or patiently understanding. I remember my mom used to mock parents who appeared (to her) to be trying to “befriend” their kid, whereas I silently wished my mom wanted to be my friend. I never felt comfortable confiding in them about mistakes and ultimately became a kid who told white lies and constantly hid information to maintain a veneer and I was not good at it. I was very terrified of confrontation, I had abandonment issues and was fearful of not being accepted by my peers. This resulted in me being “difficult” in high school and rebelling against their rules a lot. While my teachers and friends regarded me as someone who was personable and creative, my parents constantly reminded me about how ‘contrary’ and ‘frustrating’ i was for them. When I finally moved out of the home at 26 it was met with GREAT resistance. My parents thought i’d end up on a slippery slope to hell and my mom had a full blown tantrum when she discovered I’d secretly moved my essentials out of the house before telling them (this was just in case they decided to lock me out). Eventually they came around to the idea and helped me move in and it was one of my favourite memories. They took me shopping for things and it was one of the few times in our relationship where I felt they supported a decision that I had made.
Despite the little glimmer of hope in helping me move in, the relationship continued to feel strained. They invited me over on a weekly basis for dinner, which 80% of the time I attended. But slowly I could sense the gap in our relationship growing as they started to mount pressure on me about my on/off attendance at their church. When covid hit, all religious services were temporarily suspended and It was actually a chance for me to get some therapy and cut myself off completely (in a psychological sense) from returning to that place. As restrictions lifted, I had made some new friends and re-connected with old school friends which was improving my mental health. I decided to pay a visit to my best friend from school who lived across the country. I asked my parents if they were celebrating thanksgiving and as per usual, they gave a vague and non commital answer so I booked a plane ticket to visit her. At this point I was 29.
That trip I took to see my friend sealed my fate. They were furious I had left without telling them (even though I knew they’d kick up a fuss if I did due to my friend being a ‘worldly’ person). They proceeded to host thanksgiving without me and from that point onward I have not been invited or included in any family gatherings for 2 years now. Once the church officially shunned me, it managed to get even worse where they wouldn’t even keep me up to date with serious news like a family friend dying, or pictures of my new niece. I worked up the courage at one point to tell my dad about my boyfriend and his response was “do you think i’m stupid, of course we know you have a boyfriend. If you think we are going to have anything to do with you dating an unbeliever you can dream on!” and he walked away while I was sobbing and telling him that I was sorry and still loved him and mom. Which makes me cringe considering I was 30 at the time and clearly quite co-dependant and meek.
**TL;DR I’m now turning 32 and my boyfriend and I (he’s amazing) are ring shopping. Life feels bittersweet. I am so incredibly happy with my new friends and my partner and the fact that I no longer have this pervasive, almost chronic depression anymore. But on the other side of that joy is a deep pain and vacancy in my heart about not having a mom and dad who even like me, let alone love me.** Things are so bad between us that I doubt they would put aside their pride to help me if I had a health crisis.
Of course, they blame me for the distance despite the fact I have made efforts to reconnect and been angrily shut down. They say I’m willful and rebellious and a ‘nightmare’ for them and seem to be telling others that its me who abandoned them and went down a morally corrupt route. I’ve spoken to pastors and ministers who seem uncomfortable and unsupportive of my parents views, I’ve mostly lost interest in church but attend periodically on holidays. It bothered me today because I heard they were shopping for my siblings birthday and something about that just made me feel really garbage considering they haven’t celebrated or acknowledged my birthday in two years, and before that (while things were tense) they stopped gift giving because we were all “too old for that”, but now that I’m out of the picture they’ve picked up those things again and it just f\*cking sucks that’s all.
13 comments
I am so sorry for what you are going through. To answer your question, NO. It is not your fault. You don’t deserve it even in the slightest. And it is clear that you’re a victim of emotional and religious abuse or perhaps have a narcissistic family dynamic in which you are the scapegoat.
You told them you loved them and they walked away while you were crying. They blamed you for their own crappy behavior.
In a way I feel sad for them, because to believe that the church is more valuable than your offspring means that they likely have trauma too.
But if they are going to shift blame and create this tension and say horrible things to you out of prejudice toward non believers, that’s completely on them.
I know you must be hurting and grieving and missing them. But it is not your job to come around, it’s theirs.
You are worthy of love and acceptance. You did nothing wrong by dating a non believer.
Shame on people who follow a religion that is supposed to be about loving every person that walks on this planet but go on to spread hate and shame to their own children.
Some people are terrible at parenting & even being good people ( objectively good people, not the version their church speaks of). It’s not personal to you, that they were like this before you were born and weren’t interested in changing to be better once you came along. They’re not better people now you’re not actively seeking a relationship.
I think it’s time for therapy for you to realise you’re still a decent person no matter what your parents or the Church thinks.
Nobody deserves to be treated like your parents treated you. All you wanted was their love. It’s not your fault that their views are so fucked up that they could only love you under their strict conditions.
You live your life for you not to appease anyone. Once you realize you can’t make everyone happy you’ll be better off. It sounds like your parents love and affection was conditional as long as you did what they say. No one could live like that and be a functional adult. You’ve tried and that’s all you can do. Don’t be disappointed be happy. You are about to get married and eventually start your own family. When that day come I guarantee they will want to meet they potential grandchild. You got time on your side.
I’m sorry to say, but your parents were never loving, they were always controlling and emotionally abusive. Their “love” was contingent on you being completely submissive and obedient to their whims. That’s not love. It’s certainly not the unconditional love parents should offer to their children.
Think about the fact that anytime you found any small measure of joy or personal fulfillment, they punished you with abandonment and ostracization. Wouldn’t loving parents want you to be happy? Wouldn’t loving parents want you to have a partner who cares for you?
I completely understand the pain of cutting out a parent and wishing desperately that it didn’t have to be that way. I have done this with my dad. My therapist once told me something that really helped when I was agonizing over him disappointing me for the umpteenth time.
“What you want is for your father *to have loved you.* That didn’t happen, so what do you want from your relationship now?”
That really helped me realize that I was trying to retcon my childhood to make him a good father instead of accepting who he actually was. What you want is for your parents *to have loved you unconditionally*. They didn’t, so now you have to decide how many times you’re willing to be disappointed before you let them go for good.
I’m not really into religion but the lines where a religion is a cult include things like extreme behavior and thought control, isolation, constant not good enough, deciding who you can associate with, etc
Sounds like you escaped from a cult.
I am only a stepparent, and I can’t imagine shunning one of my step-kids, especially over something as nonsensical as religious differences. (They’re middle-aged now, but they were all under 12 when I married their dad.) Have the kids ever disappointed us with a life decision? Of course; we’re all human. Did that make me stop loving them? Not one ghost of a chance.
Your parents’ behavior is simply not natural. I am so sorry that they have been brainwashed by their cult (and it IS a cult) to such an extent that they would reject the flesh of their own flesh. I can’t imagine how much that hurts. But please know that this reflects on THEM, and not in the least on you. You are a grown adult with a mind and a conscience of your own, and it’s your duty “to thine own self be true.” Best wishes.
Your parents want to control you. Either you return with your tail tucked between your legs, rejoin their church, and be a good faithful little servant, or you’ll be shunned. Personally I’d go with shunned.
Wow OP I’m so sorry you went through this. I was raised in a proto-cult type setting as well, and I know how hard that can be once you try to assert any modicum of independence from the group. I am so increasingly grateful that when I decided I was moving across the country for better healthcare, my nuclear family also decided it was a good time for a move as we were all miserable there. During the move, we all had a long break from practicing religion and attending church. We eventually all came to the conclusion that we were better off having less pressure to conform. My parents are still of the faith but dont attend any churches. My sister and I now identify as agnostic, and my parents (who know) love us just the same. We all escaped, and I don’t think my story is common, unfortunately.
I also want to say that it is NEVER a child’s responsibility to please the parent. The responsibility to care for and love a child is 100% on the parents who decided to carry a pregnancy to term and keep the child.
Unless they found out you were some kind of serial killer, rapist, or something equally heinous…there is no reason they should not love you other than the fact they are detached, deluded,and brainwashed at best. They seem very cruel, and I’m glad you are now in a better place overall.
Their shame would be better directed towards themselves. What awful parents. You start to heal from this by living your best life and learning to give and receive unconditional love. You did nothing wrong.
From my perspective (growing up around hyper religious fanatics but not being in a family of them) it’s kind of a weird perspective, because for a lot of parents it’s like “well we love each other, we want a kid, we love our kid” but in these religious ones it’s almost like a duty, and a status symbol. You marry and have children because that’s just the good Christian thing to do, and then you raise them to think the exact same things.
To me it’s never really felt like they see children as people, just an extension of their faith and something to brag about in church.
Maybe I’ve just had bad experiences or what, but nothing about your relationship with them sounds loving or healthy. The fact that just them helping you move is one of your fondest memories is friggin brutal.
The sad truth is they’ll probably never change, so you either bow down and kiss the ring or you choose to prioritize yourself and your partner.
I’m soo sorry op. But look at this way, blood is not always thicker than water. your boyfriend and friends are the ones who truly do love and respect you and will be there if anything happens good or bad. I know it must hurt being shunned by your parents but think of this situation as their loss, not yours. I find it really funny how the most religious people who spew out acceptance are the ones who are the most hypocritical people 😒😒😒😒 they are too busy pointing their fingers at everyone else’s life that they don’t realize they have 3 more fingers pointing back at them!!
You deserve respect. You are a grown adult old enough to live the one life that you have and do whatever it is that makes you happy and be with someone who makes you happy. Not everyone shares your parent’s religious views or beliefs. Does that mean every single person who doesn’t share their beliefs and views are going to hell?
Don’t let them get you down as much as it hurts!! Fix your crown and hold your head up high. Let the loss be theirs. Live your best life, live it up surrounded by those who truly do love you.
All the best op!!
Religion can hold a lot of power over someone’s worldly narrative and those that are often caught up in it’s web are committed to the narrative that the religion teaches. It’s what they know and perceive the world through. it tells them how to behave so that they can receive the reward in the next stage of afterlife. It doesn’t always give them the freedom of being open minded and accepting of different.
My uncle and family are part of a mainstream cult-like religion that cuts out non-believers or people who disobey, because they in the end are threats to the belief system. If person A can do that without consequences, we can too. It’s about keeping a tight leash on their followers with a real consequence to fear.
It also pushes them out of their community of family and friendship and their support system with the idea that they’d be so lonely and miss that connection that they’d be willing to come back and follow the rules.
Sometimes too they believe in this afterlife path so much that they give up on people they believe won’t come with them. It’s not you hun, it’s them and their belief system.