I want this as unbiased as possible so I won’t include genders.
Cultural context- we live in Europe.
We’re in our mid twenties.
A little pre-story. Quite a few of our friends or former classmates are either already married, getting engaged or having kids. And as we are dating for over 2 years now, I wanted to talk about those things.
So yesterday I (NB24) asked my partner (NB24) about their view on having kids. And they said they’re not sure. They can imagine themselves having kids but if they would find out that they’re infertile, they wouldn’t care. They continued by saying that they didn’t have a good family model growing up and aren’t sure if they would be a good parent themselves. Also we had a rough patch in our relationship for a few months and maybe this is also the case with not wanting kids (their words). I also asked what do they think about our friend, who just had baby? Their answer was “oh fuck that’s too soon”.
I on the other hand, want children badly, to the point where I already have a name list in my head. And their answer shocked me because I already imagined my life with them and having kids.
It would be easier if they answered that they don’t want kids, but when they are not sure about it I’m getting confused.
Will their opinion change with age or is it permanent and should I cut my losses and move on or stay and see what happens?
Tl;dr my partner isn’t sure about having children.
17 comments
Did you tell them how you feel about it? That you want to have kids for sure?
It’s not weird for a 24 year old to not be sure about kids and change their mind later. They might. However, one thing you can be very certain of is that they don’t want kids SOON. If you’re excited about having kids now and want them within like, 5 years… I’d say break up. If your timeline is looser you could wait and see.
Kids are a dealbreaker. If you know you want kids, this person isn’t going to work out
Dump them. Find someone that knows what they want in life and start a family. Plenty of people know they want children earlier in life, they just don’t have them yet.
Your partner is a fence-sitter right now. They’ve said that it’s too soon for kids right now. Later on, they could come down on the side of parenthood. But there is an equal chance that they could realize/decide that they are childfree, which simply means that they do not want to be a parent.
Do they like kids and babies? Do they regularly interact with children of friends and family (yours or theirs)? Are they genuinely interested in hearing about other’s children and engage in kid talk? While this is NOT a sign that they want their own, it is a sign that they might be more open to having kids in their life in general. But again, there are many childfree people (including some of my friends) that happily work with kids and just as happily hand them back to their parents when their shift is over. There are others, like me, that do their best to avoid interacting with kids whether in person or online. We are definitely not parent material. We can know exactly what it takes to be good parents, but don’t have the desire or ability.
In my case, I thought kids were just a thing you did. But when my ex attempted to baby-trap 20-year-old me (F), I realized that I absolutely loathed all things pregnancy, childbirth, and childcare. I absolutely did not want kids of my own. I was a pre-education major at the time, and in my college, you take a ton of child development classes in the beginning. I realized at 26 that adoption of older kids was also off the table. I was dating someone with a ton of kids in his family, and all the chaos was a lot for me. It just wasn’t something I could deal with 24/7. Sorry for story time. It was just to help illustrate that one can definitely have a wake-up call that puts them on one side of the fence.
And one needs desire, patience, and ability to be a good parent. If your partner decides they don’t have that, what will you do? How long do you want to wait for them to decide? What will you do if they come down on the childfree side? Please consider if this relationship is right for you. You sound like you want children fairly soon, and you should have a coparent that’s on the same page. Your current partner is not on the same mental page. They may not be in the same book. You need to decide what you want for your own life and whether they fit in.
>Will their opinion change with age or is it permanent
The safest assumption is that their views will not change. That said, yeah, 24 is too soon.
They sound like me when I was 24. A lot of people in their 20s haven’t had the life-experience led inspiration and strength which guides you to look inwards and ponder what having kids really means. And the thought of being infertile is a comfort because it means the decision is made for them.
I eventually decided I wanted them but there’s a 50/50 chance they’ll go either way. Don’t pressure them and let them come to it on their own, if you’re willing to wait.
>Will their opinion change with age or is it permanent
We can’t possibly know, and neither can they. No one can tell the future.
>should I cut my losses and move on or stay and see what happens?
This depends entirely on how badly you want kids and how soon.
I also think it’s relevant what that whole months-long “rough patch” was about.
Beware that sometimes people say they want kids, or say that they might be ok with kids, just to avoid losing you, but in reality do not want kids and are just stringing you along until you or your fertility changes.
I (dad now) always knew I wanted kids, expected to have them, expected to meet someone who wanted them. I’m not genetics-driven, so I didn’t actually mind too much if it was step kids or adoption or whatever.
I have a friend who didn’t really want kids. We talked a lot about it, because his fiancée definitely did. It turned out he had issues about his relationship with his dad, and did come round to the idea. But even now, although he’s a good dad, he’s still not enthusiastic about parenting.
So if you want someone who is going to be an enthusiastic dad rather than just someone who tolerates being a dad, I strongly recommend you look for someone who is looking forward to it. Not to sleep deprivation and vomit up the walls, but to building a house with blocks while a 2 year old dismantles it, to chasing them around the park and running away screaming in mock fear.
If you do want to give him time to come around to the idea, pick a date and don’t tell him. Three months at most. Don’t waste your time on a road that doesn’t go where you’re trying to go.
So you don’t view this person as “the one.” That is good in my opinion. It means that you are open to finding someone new. That said, you sound pretty baby crazy. I don’t know if you are a woman or not, but I don’t know many guys that would have the same thought as you. Most guys are not going to want to have a kid right away when they get into a relationship. So your desire is likely to be a turn-off even if they want kids. Now if you are a guy and want kids, there are plenty of young ladies around your age who would like to be married and making kids before they are 30.
If kids are that important to you, I would probably find someone else. Word of warning. Marriage is between you and the other person. They should be first in your life and kids second. If you put the kids first, your relationship with your spouse will suffer and then your relationship with your kids will suffer.
It’s not hard to guess who’s the man in your situation
When I was 24 I would have said absolutely not to having kids. I think it was around 26 when my husband and I were really serious and I saw what a wonderful father he’d be that I decided I really wanted to have a family with him. Fortunately, he had also shifted his opinion.
A lot can change in 2 – 5 years. If you know you want kids immediately and don’t think you can wait, you need to have that conversation with him. It might end in a break up. If you don’t mind waiting, consider a timeline to tell him for when you need a solid decision. Either way you have to be willing to communicate openly and to hold firm to your own standards and goals for your life.
There’s only 2 views here. The person in the maybe camp, and the person in the yes camp. Having kids is a “2 yes=kids, 1 no=no kids” scenario
Edit: and based on what you wrote, your partner sounds like they are already close to the no camp
If you are going to stick with this person, you need to be ok with the possibility that the maybe turns into a no.
If you can’t imagine a scenario of not having kids in the future, you need to prepare to move on, whether that is now or in the future where the no becomes firm.
It’s all very dependent on your relationship, but this is one of those topics that you need to make each other’s views EXTREMELY clear and check in on frequently so each party can make their own informed decision.
My wife and I are in the opposite situation where she is a firm no kids, and I’m a maybe kids. For me I don’t really see myself ever in the firm yes camp because I am fine with no kids, but I wouldn’t mind keeping the option open in case she had a drastic change of heart.
You want kids, they aren’t sure.
Unless you get a definitive answer soonish then you’re probably best cutting ties to find someone who’s on the same page that you are.
You could stay with this person for another 5 years on the premise that they *may* want kids at some point and then they could turn round and say that they don’t want them.
I knew that I would want a kid one day but knew that I didn’t want to start trying until at least being around 28 years old so that I could do most things I wanted to so that I didn’t feel like I was ‘missing out’ on anything. I get that your partner isn’t ready for kids right now, I wasn’t ready for kids at that age either but I always knew that I wanted one at some point.
Are you wanting biological children? If so, which of you would be enduring the pregnancy and childbirth part? Because that could be a HUGE reason someone doesn’t want to procreate. Pregnancy and childbirth looks terrible to me, which is one of the main reasons I’m never having children.
It’s possible their stance on children will change, but don’t hinge your relationship on possibilities and what ifs.
Kids are two yesses or one no. You can’t compromise and have half a kid.
Their opinion may change with age and it may not, I would not base my future with them on that. If you want kids badly, find someone who wants the same as you and not risk it on a hope and a dream that they change their mind.