That’s basically the whole thing. My boyfriend (m20) and I (f19) were having sex one night, everything was great and it was going how it usually goes. Then he stops for a second and pulls, I can’t see what he’s doing because my legs are blocking the view. But after a couple seconds he goes back in, it felt a bit different but I didn’t really give it much thought. Until he pulled out and finished on my leg, that’s when I started piecing it together. He took off the condom without asking or telling me. I said after that he took it off without asking me, to which he replied “sorry” with an upset face.
I don’t really feel comfortable around him anymore, he really broke my trust with that but I love him and I don’t want to break up. Aside from that he has been a great bf and I just don’t know where to go from here. This is the first time I felt violated by him, every time I think of sex with him I immediately think of what happened and get turned off. I also went over to see him a couple days after, where he said he felt like he raped me because of how I’m acting. I told him I can’t really act normal as I don’t feel 100% comfortable with him like before. I said we just need some time to work past this, but I hate that this even happened in the first place 🙁 any advice would be appreciated.
15 comments
Are you on any birth control besides using condoms?
What he did is unacceptable. A violation of your boundaries and consent. Yes, this can be even considered SA/rape. If he can’t understand why you are upset then that is even more concerning. You two need to have a serious talk.
Stealthing is a massive red flag. It’s also becoming illegal in many places as it is non-consenual.
This is called stealthing, it’s rape. You did not consent. I would advise you to not see him anymore.
He just crossed a huge boundary and disrespected your body.
You are 19, someone who cares for you would not rape you. And what he did was rape. You need to leave.
he prioritized his pleasure over your comfortable-ness… as well as put you at jeopardy for STDS, babies, etc… it was selfish. there’s no excuse. it’s animalistic to get so caught up in being horny to take off your condom and risk pregnancy and violating someone he “loves”
You should have a talk. Tell him what you think about it and ask him why he did it. If he really feels sorry and you want to be together, you have to talk it through. You didn’t say for how long you’re together. If you’re like a month together and he did this, I’d nope out…
you should totally dump him this is sexual assault
This is called ‘Stealthing’ and it is sexual assault.
Dump him. I don’t care if you’ve been together 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years… dump him.
Is what he did fucked up? Yes. But I think calling this rape is a bit too much.
Aside from pregnancy, he could have infected you with HIV/ STD if he has any. I suggest you go for a blood test. I would stay away from him if I were in your shoes.
“Sorry?” That’s it? And now you’re worried that he’s upset?
Hon, he raped you. Stealthing is a from of rape. You are right to be upset and you are right not to trust him.
Screw his feelings. He raped you and he needs to own it. He should feel like shit because he behaved like shit. He violated your trust so he could have a slightly more pleasurable orgasm, and he doesn’t even have the guts to own what he did.
I’d never trust him again. He needs to do some serious reflection on why he’s such a selfish, entitled, reckless jerk who thinks he can just use your body however he wants. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Demand that he takes responsibility and apologizes, at the very least. Make it clear to him that he should feel like a rapist because he raped you. If he can’t take responsibility for his actions, then this relationship isn’t worth your time. Dump him and tell everyone why.
There are two things going on here, and both have huge implications on if the relationship can continue, or even if it should.
Many have already pointed out the issue of rape/assault via stealthing. And there is not much to add here, other than to echo that what he did was wrong no matter how you look at it… he knew what he was doing, said nothing as he probably figured you’d be upset or want a new condom, etc, and then continued anyway.
The other issue is what you mentioned: trust. Just as the case when a partner cheats, and even if you believe them when they say they will never do it again, something in the relationship has been damaged. So here, even if he makes an acceptable apology, and promises to never do anything like this again, and were to believe him, then you still have the problem of what has been damaged. There is a chance you will never trust him again.
This means things are all up to you from here. Is there an acceptable apology and promise of future behavior you could find acceptable? This isn’t to say he deserves it, but hypothetically, can you see this being mended between you? And even if the answer to that is yes, then you are left with the two most difficult steps to take: His actually making that apology and promise, and you accepting it, and seeing a potential future point where you could trust him again.
Overall, I see those points as being doubtful… and even if they are obtainable, will you really ever be able to trust him again? That is the point you need to ask yourself if you are intent on trying to salvage the relationship.
But also, should you want to salvage the relationship? There is a reason you will be seeing so many here telling you to dump him and get far away!
Best of luck working through this, whatever you choose to do!
You didn’t consent to having sex without a condom, so yes it’s rape.
Are you sure it’s the first time he disrespected you?
If really it is and you dello like he’s genuinely sorry in time you’ll trust him again.
Maybe it was just a stupid moment
hi!! had almost the same thing happen to me. i am going to be blunt as i feel it will be the only thing fair to you. i am ftm(19)
you feel and have been violated. this is a major boundary that he has made the CHOICE to disregard and cross. let me also say that you didnt put the word “rape” into his mouth. he came to you with that guilt. i think that’s telling in itself.
please do not allow your misunderstanding to convince you to let this go. this is big and this could get worse. i encourage you to tell your partner exactly how you feel and set very firm boundaries (and uphold them!!). this is also a form of rape that is not as “aggressive” as everyone perceives rape to be, stereotypes like that, Re why it makes it so confusing to understand if you’ve been coerced or not. stealthing is 100% a form of sexual assault, and you should not be afraid to tell him that in fear of what he thinks. he is old enough to make his own choices, and he needs to sleep in that bed with them.
get somewhere safe please!