Ok, this could just be in my (M28) head but everytime I talk to a woman, she always seems like she’s on guard and looks at me in a weird way. Like a “I hope this guy doesn’t come near me” way.
This happens with women my age or older women. It’s very disheartening because I would never harm a woman in any way and I just want to make conversation but it seems like they never want to have the conversation with me in return.
I feel like I have pretty good self awareness to know that I am not coming off creepy. If I sense a girl doesn’t want me around, I leave and I’m never too forward. I just want to know how to fix this because I would like to improve talking to them but it’s like every time I approach/converse with them (in either a social or work setting) I have a tattoo “creep” on my forehead.
Any tips are appreciated, thanks!
31 comments
Go out with a friend who can see these interactions with women from an alternate perspective. Ask them if you are reading things right or wrong.
It’s not personal. A lot of women are always on guard because you never know when a man will become creepy or violent. You need to signal that you don’t have bad intentions and that you are ok with rejection.
It’s not up to you if you’re creepy or not, sorry, and your intent is meaningless here. There’s an old joke that men are terrified of a woman humiliating him if he asks her out while women are terrified that a man will murder her. There’s just a power dynamic there that you have to just let be. Keep trying not to be creepy, keep trying to be self aware, keep having conversation, but meet people where they’re at, lower your expectations for reciprocal enthusiasm, and be a good person. It’s all you can do really.
I mean, I was going to ask if you might have a weird smell. And yes, looks are unfortunately often a factor. Considering you mention self awareness I’m going to assume neither are an issue big enough to constitute these encounters. So, maybe it’s the wrong people/women you’re conversing with. I feel like I don’t connect with A LOT of people. In fact, I feel like there’s only a small pool of people that I do connect with. This makes me feel alone and sad. BUT – the people I do connect with, they don’t have me questioning our interactions after the fact. They do quite the opposite. They make me smile.
P.S. smells and looks are such a bullshit reason to not be cool with someone. In my 1st couple sentences I only mention that bc there is a large percentage of the population that cares too much about these things.
Have you had a girl friend before? Or a female friend?
Ur not on ur own, I have had to accept rejection, hate/dislikes and avoidances from loads of girls because of how I am and to the point I would just try and avoid them forever. It seems like you are doing nothing wrong so I will say just don’t be too disheartened or let down. Just be yourself and treat them like you would to any of your guy friends.
You’re probably trying too hard on things that don’t matter and not trying hard enough on things that do matter. First thing I would change is the energy that you’re radiating as well as the “vibe” that you’re on.
Its not on you, women get approached a lot. Honestly when a strange man randomly approaches me in non social settings im immediately on guard. I noticed him noticing me before he even walked up to me. And ngl i do see him as a potential threat as a first impression. It doesnt matter what he looks like.
When im at actual social gatherings im more chill, but still have one eye peeled haha. If you want conversation approach women at social events and the like . If youre approaching at gas stations/grocerystores/ public places where the goal of being there is to run errands then youre going to get a guarded reponse.
Its not necessarily you. Most men approach us and their intent isnt just to have a friendly chat
I’m 51 years old, no great beauty just regular/average-looking, and still can’t converse with most men (outside of work convos) without them thinking I want to exchange DNA. Even young men sometimes! I’m like, ???? Is the dating world that hard on young men nowadays they’re scrounging on middle-aged ladies?
STILL. At 51. I truly thought in my youth I would be invisible to men by now, but nope. This has been going on since I was 11.
So in my 40 years of experience in talking to/with men, it seems that men do not talk to girls/women unless they are attracted to them or for work or school. So don’t take it personal, the women you encounter are guarded because like me they’ve rarely encountered a strange man strike up a conversation with them unless he wanted something. If these are not work or school/classmates convos, then they likely assume you’re gonna try to sell them something or hit on them.
So if you really care to stop making women feel uncomfortable, just leave them alone. Nothing wrong with saying Hello when you pass a stranger, male or female that’s just manners, but when strange men press for more all I’m thinking is NOPE NOT TODAY SATAN and I’m instantly on-guard, because I’m long married, happily married so don’t want to get drawn into some inane conversation where at the end the man’s intentions of exchanging DNA are revealed lol
When you say you just want to talk to them, what is it you want to talk about? What is your intention? If they’re single, try just looking at them first before approaching. If you get a look of interest back, *then* try approaching. But if you get no genuine fast-eye back, leave them alone, don’t press for conversation. There is nothing wrong with wanting to find a mate, but try to ascertain if the woman is willing to entertain a meeting and conversation to begin with.
If it’s really just conversation you want, try talking to old women, women past young adulthood, past middle-age adulthood, but well into elderly years. Like 65, 70+. I can’t wait to reach elderly years because by then I’ll be invisible to men in the sexy way, right? And can be a friendly, little old lady. I was actually a friendly, open little girl before puberty hit, but the men of the world made me closed-up and guarded. When I’m an old lady I can be friendly to everyone again, right. RIGHT??? lol
I have a friend like this, who says he feels like he makes women uncomfortable without trying. It’s a little hard to tell exactly why, but it feels like he’s just awkward, nervous, or on edge when he’s talking to girls. A lot of it just comes from how cool and confident you are with your words & body language, even if you’re internally not feeling that way. This is something I learned a while back and I’m conscious of it now, which is why I noticed that the more relaxed I am around a girl, the more she opens up to me. There’s times where I’m definitely more nervous and I can’t hide it as well, and I realize the girl begins to feel uncomfortable
Get curious about the part of you that is worried you come of as creepy.
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What does it feel like? Try to identify where that feeling first came from?
Welcome that part in. Be grateful it is worried you will come off as creepy. Thank it for caring for you.
And one day, like a big brother, you’ll bring that part along as you go talk to girls. And you will be cool and not worry if you come across as creepy. And that part will begin to see and learn that its safe to be around girls and it doesn’t have to go into overdrive worrying about coming off as creepy.
What are objective actions that you have seen that would put evidence that they think you are a creep? Like observable ones. An objective one would be for example a woman saying “I don’t want to interact with you” and that would evidence rejection but wouldn’t evidence they think you are a creep.
Personally, I’m always on guard with men I don’t know well enough. A lot of us are.
Depends really. The best answer is to ask a woman (friend) to give you a brutally honest opinion of how you interact because you want to better yourself.
It might not be the case, but from your comments about how “lifeless” the interactions are, it might be that your enthusiasm is low. I was like this as I don’t know how to show emotions, and someone commented that I never really give enthusiastic outputs. That all made sense, and now I try more to show how happy/sad/intrigued I am, and it’s been going well.
Good luck to you!
Here are some things it could be:
1. They assume you’re approaching or talking to them because you’re interested in them. Unless you’re the hottest guy alive women don’t love to be approached by men in public settings, it’s intimidating and personally 90% of men who approach me ARE creeps and so I’m immediately on guard.
2. You might need to brush up on your conversational skills. Are you talking too much? Do you ask them questions about their lives? Do you smile and laugh? Do you immediately bring up hobbies or interests that probably won’t resonate with them? Charisma is a huge reason anyone talks to anyone regardless of gender, so working on that I’m sure will do wonders.
3. Are you neurodivergent? I think generally it can be hard to click with people if you have something like autism or ADHD and maybe even doubly so if it’s the opposite gender. For example, lots of men with autism are into trains, video games, hobbies that don’t necessarily interest the average woman (not to lean into gender stereotypes, but it’s the hobbies that are pushed on boys and gatekept from girls, right?)
4. I know this guy who I can tell sees me as a woman first and a person second. He is clearly very nervous, often hyper focused on me, says things to try and impress me, and i think is generally cognizant of the fact that I’m a potential match for him. What i would suggest for him is to maybe engage in more media that actually humanizes women (movies, books, maybe watching youtubers) and helps him get out of his head and see me as just a normal person to have a chill conversation with, to be a friend with first. This can be hard too if you have anxiety, as talking to the opposite gender definitely is anxiety inducing, but maybe that’s something that can be worked on in therapy.
5. Generally becoming friends with the opposite gender randomly can be pretty difficult I think. I’ve always been very nervous around men, never able to really trust them enough to befriend them, but then I started volunteering and seeing certain men on the same day every week and I could see that they were actually harmless, and once I got to know them I really did want to spend time with them! Try interacting with women in more setting such as this which allow people to get past their initial judgments or fears of you.
Good luck!
Yeah, a lot of us just don’t want to talk. Try confining the reaching out to places where people specifically go to be social?
Women dont usually talk openly to strangers unless its a party or a class etc. Where are you making conversation?
Why has no one asked what OP looks like. Height, age, race, body type, fascial hair. All play a role how people, including women perceive you.
Hate to say it, but a 6’2 bearded black man will make women more uncomfortable than a 5’9 white blonde man. Sadly speaking from experience.
Stop listening to Radiohead
The advice in these comments is terrible.
Are you too forceful? Like you’re too Into the conversation? It could come off as manipulative. Like you’re after something.
In a similar post about a gym experience, I explained the mindset we women have regarding there always being a potential SA and how society tends to blame our actions to invite it, making us hyper-vigilant.
There’s a lot of good advice in this thread, and I would like to suggest approaching women that are in a safe space, like when they have friends present.
Your mindset is just wrong. Instead of assuming they think you’re creepy, assume they like you. That way it’ll tune some pressure of you and the interaction will be better.
Remember, the words you say aren’t as important as your tone and body language.
Where are you approaching women?
Personally, I never like men approaching me in public. Ever. It has never led to a friendship, or anything else. It doesn’t matter what you look like I promise.
Treat them like a human being
Learn how to “hold space” for someone. Just do that.
You see, you’re not a woman and are blind to what women have to deal with. Constant sexualization, street harassment, the fear of sexual assault etc You don’t see it because all the creeps come out the moment you turn a corner, but it does happen.
So if that’s your world, you’d be anxious and have your defences up too wouldn’t you? So instead of actively making them feel a different way, which is precisely what all the other harassers do, passively hold space for them and that’s it.
They are probably reflecting you. Maybe you give off a tense vibe and that makes them feel tense.
Practice a relaxed appearance. Sometimes I look at my reflection in buildings as I pass and notice how I sometimes appear to be walking in a rushed/panicked fashion even when I don’t feel that way. So I slouch back a little and walk kind of like a stoned dude. It sounds silly but I get the sense that this actually works, really just practicing that “overly relaxed” vibe.
Stop asking uncomfortable ass questions
The women I am friends with tell me a lot that they instantly get nervous around males and anytime a male approaches them. I’m a gay man, and often get asked by my lady friends to walk with them to cars or pretend to be their boyfriends because they are worried about a guy reacting weird around them. Often times even just a woman politely showing they aren’t interested makes some men lash out in violent ways. And this is why women are very cautious around men.
I love all the above advice about asking any female friends or family to watch you and see what they have to say. But just also be aware that it’s not really you mostly – it’s a cultural thing. The world has just sadly become more and more dangerous for some members of society and this makes a lot of us very careful about who we let near us.
Man I read the last paragraph so wrong and was wondering why no one in the comments was saying that perhaps it was the tattoo saying Creep on OP’s forehead.