So this coworker I work with has been pulling this joke where he says “I hate you” in firm serious tone, but then says “Nah I’m just kidding.”. He has done this twice before and I think he actually hates me. In addition, he also did one time whispered under his breath “You’re scared of me.” and I said “What?”, he did not reply and acted as if it never happened. Is this a form of gaslighting?
2 comments
I knew someone that did this as a coping mechanism. They wanted to be seen as scary and had trouble with their emotions. So it isn’t necessarily gaslighting. The “You’re scared of me” and “I hate you” are words that are more likely to be meant for themselves rather than you.
That said, it’s inappropriate to say such things. So you might want to keep a professional distance and not get too engaged with that coworker. Out of professionalism.
It’s not gaslighting, that will happen when you call him out on what he’s doing and he denies it and says you are just paranoid, crazy, xyz.
What’s happening at the moment is this person is manipulating you at an emotional level. Playing with your emotions and ‘seeing what happens’ with little thought or care of the consequences. Like a game.
On top of this, it’s clearly making you uncomfortable so he’s either seeing this and getting a kick out of it or unable to ‘read you’ to see this is happening.
Either way, he’s demonstrating boundary issues and a strong lack of empathy.
If you have a choice, steer clear. I’d even consider having a quite word with my manager to express he seems manipulative and you are worried if you expose what’s happening, he’ll lie or try to blame you. But empathise how uncomfortable he is making you feel right now and ask for support.
If this is a ‘thing’ he does, it may have been exposed previously and the manager may already be aware of this kind of behaviour.
Not sure what you boss is like, but I’d take what you’d be saying to me, very seriously.