My girlfriend (24F) recently went on a river rafting trip after accomplishing her masters and decided that she wanted to pursue a career that involves nature (ex. National park guide or river rafting guide, etc.). I support that decision but selfishly it would mean our relationship would be coming to an end and I wouldn’t want that. We’ve had conversations about it and it doesn’t sound like she’s open to the possibility of being together while she’s on that journey. However she still wants to be together even if it means we won’t be together “forever” and I obviously said yes because I’m hopeful even though I feel like I shouldn’t be. I know all good things come to an end and nothing lasts forever. I guess it just feels like I’m a second option because she says she doesn’t know when or if she’ll get the job and that’s not a good feeling. Could use a different perspective on how I should feel and what this all means. Thank you!
27 comments
>it doesn’t sound like she’s open to the possibility of being together while she’s on that journey
So even if you’d be willing to move with her she doesn’t want you to? This has little to do with the career change, she wants to end things with you but is scared to just do it and wants an easy way out.
Make it even easier for her. You should not be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. In the meantime you are going to be so miserable!
This relationship either ends now or later. It will end.
If you won’t be able to enjoy it, I suggest ripping off the bandage.
I think it would help if you had a conversation about what you guys would do if she doesn’t get the job. Also, ask yourself, do you want to marry thus woman, and grow old with her, or are you content to let it go? It’s possible that you both just want different things.
Yes, end the relationship now. There’s no future in the relationship.
It’s not that you’re the “second option,” it’s just that you pushed ahead on a relationship when you had an idea that there was no future. She liked having you around, but you didn’t use your judgement about her viability for the long-term.
You get the good feels with this woman for a few months until she finds the career she wants, then she leaves and you are left on your own. Be proactive about this: Gently break up with her now, say goodbye and put her in your past, have the hard times of the break-up immediately and start over finding the right woman who will be your forever.
I would just end it and let her do what she wants. I don’t understand why women do crap like that. I’ve been in the same situation as you. If you both know it’s going to end, might as well just end it and save the long term heartbreak.
She’s telling you there is no future for the two of you. Time for you to go and make your own wonderful life, without her. You can do it.
It sounds like she doesn’t see you in her life in the future.
If you want “forever,” it’s not with this woman.
Ending it now would rip off the bandaid.
You put your foot down and tell her you are not going to let her use you.
I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with an end date
End it… she doeant want you ti be a oart of her kide in the future she shouldn’t be in your present.
She wants a free mover.
What’s the point? I’m not one to prolong my agony. She said it’s over she just selfishly doesn’t want to end it until it’s most convenient for her. Her tears wouldn’t matter to me. I would be focused on my future. She doesn’t want to be in your future so put her in the past where she belongs.
In general I agree that it doesn’t make sense to hang onto a relationship that has an end date. However I will add one caveat. If she is only going to be around for a short while (eg a few weeks to a month) it might be worth it to enjoy the last bit of time with each other. Obviously it depends on your emotional ability to actually positively exist in that type of relationship. If you are able to think of it more as a sweet send off into the future than it could be nice. Kind of like cherishing the last few days before a loved one passes on. However I would only do this if it’s a very short time period and you are confident in your ability to understand that it will in fact end when she leaves. If it is a long term departure I would not wait and if you have reservations about your ability to let go I would also rip the band aid off but if not try and enjoy the little time you have left. Regardless of what you choose best of luck!
She is using you as a safety net.
The vast majority of these type of jobs in the US are contract work starting late spring and ending in the fall. They usually include bunkhouse accommodations, (but not food) to get around paying less than minimum wage.
Most people move to a city in the winter and work construction, substitute teach, restaurant work etc until the spring.
With the park service to be even considered for the highly competitive entry-level year-round positions, you need at least three years of contract work to be considered for these incredibly low paying jobs.
It won’t be hard for her to find a low paying job till the end of summer that loosely meets her outdoor working criteria. Then she is going to have to figure out how to pay the bills while looking for that fictional decent paying year around full-time job. She won’t find one. But she will see a lot of sexy contract work starting next spring for the summer vacation season. She won’t make much money, but she’ll have a lot of free time with numerous hardbodies who are looking to party and have fun.
But what is she going to do for the next winter again?
Someone who thought of pursuing this life spur the moment and has a masters degree, is not going to stick with it very long.
a hard one.
i hate the uncertainty of a relationship. if it had to stop, OK. if it had to carry on, OK. but “maybe i will drop you all of sudden” is not acceptable.
​
if it had to stop, you can both profit of the last time to make good souvenirs and plan for a clean separation. but you won’t have that here.
​
after many thinking, i would sit her, tell her that uncertainty is awfull for me and that i don’t want that. If she double down with her plan AND that i want to keep with her. i would give an expiration date, like in 6 months or next new year eve. we will have our best life for the next 6 months. then I will leave and live alone as a single man/ widow. that limit is not negotiable, since her plan is not negotiable neither.
Depends on what you are ok with. If you stay together, you guys are kind of using each other for sex until she leaves. Nothing really wrong with that, but you should understand that she’s already told you it’s going to end, so you should mentally downgrade the relationship to much more physical. I wouldn’t let her play some game where it’s like she wants you to fight for her or make some grand gesture for her not to leave. She’s told you what she wants in her life, all you can do is take it at face value and respect it. Because if you convince her to stay she very well may end up resenting you for it, even if shes acting like she wants you to fight for her to stay, you’ll take the blame long term. So you just have to ask yourself do I want to keep spending time with her until then? Will it make it harder if we stay together until then? Will it be any easier to just cut if off now? It’s up to you.
She just got her Masters Degree and does not see future for two of you probably because she feels like she would be settling down with you.
She does not know when she will get job and end things with you which probably means that you have been supporting her throughout her time in graduate school and possible college (you did not say how long have you two been together), which means that you have probably paid for housing, food, bills and other things that she needed.
She does not want your relationship to end as she would need to get a job immediately and start taking care of herself instead it is much better to keep you around for that and then discard you when she no longer needs your (financial) support.
If I was in your shoes, I would end things right now and save myself time, effort, money and emotional pain of being in this kind of arrangement.
End it today.
If someone I was exclusive with told me there was an expiration date on our relationship, I would move up the expiration date to the present. If she doesn’t see us together in the future, we shouldn’t be together in the present. She’s wasting both of your time.
Kevin: Well, if you love something, let it go. And if it comes back to you, it probably just missed the exit.
I had a similar conversation with my girlfriend a few years ago, although in our case the timing was very different because her plans were for when she retired (which was more than a decade in the future). In our situation, she was going to buy an RV and drive around Europe for a few years, then find a nice little village in mainland Italy, Sardinia, or Corsica, and settle down to a life of writing and coaching. I would be welcome to come along, but given my career I (a) did not want to retire early, and (b) would find it difficult to work remotely on a permanent basis (Covid changed that in 2019, but we did not see that coming back in 2010) so we were looking at eiher breaking up or being in a long-distance relationship. As retirement came closer, the idea of being in an RV on her own, possibly with a big German Shepherd dog for protection, became less enticing for a number of practical reasons, and she fell out of love with the idea.
The bottom line there, is that just because she says today “I want to move into a phase of my life that does not include you”, that does not mean that next week/next month she will feel that way.
However… in your case the plans are on a significantly shorter timeline and there is comparatively less time for her to change her mind (I am assuming the breakup could come at any time, basically when she has the job she wants).
On that basis, she basically is saying that your relationship has no long term future, but that being with you until she can dump you for her better life is better than being single (after all, being in a relationship is generally cheaper than being single, and she also has a bed warmer and sex on-demand without the hassle/danger of having to go on dates).
That tells me that you are going to be sitting and waiting for the other show to drop and things to come to an end, and the best option for both of you would actually be to give yourselves some clarity on your respective futures, and break up. That way, you are both as free as you can be to pursue the futures that each of you want.
Nope, rip the band aid off. Why still be together when you know she is leaving. Her tears are to manipulate you.
why would you want to continue something you know could end soon? walking on eggshells waiting for the inevitable? also, considering from the sounds of it she hasn’t even started the application process, why would she be planning to move for a job she hasn’t been offered a position? this really makes no sense. i would modify my life plans to include my partner if i really felt strongly about our relationship and our combined plans for the future
Yes
Well, if you don’t want a long distance relationship, you can always try river rafting to bond with her. Or just avoid water altogether? #RelationshipGoals #DryLandCouples.
Oh friend. You are being used. You’re not her partner, you’re her emotional support mammal.
Please end it RIGHT NOW . I have fallen for this she will use you till she gets settled there and then suddenly she will find you annoying and irritating of all the things for which she used to find loving and caring . I am WARNING you she will use sex rn to cancel out everything and be with you rn . But please don’t brother. The pain that i am going through is unbearable while she is enjoying her life . I have tried to end my life as well . It’s that bad . Don’t fall for it