My friend’s wife recently told me that she needs to share with someone that despite 4 years of marriage, her husband denies her sex and gives her various reasons like – he doesn’t feel sexual, he wants her to first get employed, he wants her to manage the house properly etc. I am not sure what advice I can offer in this case because it would probably be biased. As far as I know her, I am sure she isn’t lying. She is self aware and understands that she needs to get employed but this is ruining her self-esteem. What should she do if her partner doesn’t want to listen to her?
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TLDR: Friend’s wife being denied sex because she is unemployed since they got married
27 comments
My advice to you is to stay out of this situation. Nothing good will come from taking sides here or trying to intervene in any way. This is not your circus and not your monkeys. If she comes to you again, advise her to get some marriage or personal counseling. Your friend sounds abusive but she has to figure that out on her own and you can’t be a part of this.
Thats not a nice to to do. Sex is not a reward for good behaviour and he’s playing with her emotions.
On the other hand I could see and understand why he’s not in the mood for sex because of these issues.
Sex is not transactional. But it definitely sounds like their are underlying issues like he is stressed supporting the household.
Not feeling sexual because your partner is a slob and acts like a child is not unreasonable. Women often lose all sex drive when they have to assume a caretaker role for their spouse, there is no reason the same can’t happen to men.
I would stay out of this situation, but i understand the husband. This subreddit is full of posts from women complaining about their spouse not doing their fair share around the house and not having sex with them because of it. These posts are met with complete understanding, but now there is an example where the genders are reversed and I see the words toxic and even abusive.
Is he using sex as leverage or is he simply not attracted to her because she brings nothing to the table? Very different things.
This doesn’t seem to be your problem to solve. You should tell her the subject makes you uncomfortable and she should talk about it with her relationship partner or a therapist.
If he doesn’t want to have sex with her, he doesn’t have to. It might end the relationship – also not your problem to solve.
The real answer is for you to stay out of this.
But to answer your question, she should start working and taking care of herself (regardless of anything else), and on top of that both of them should consider whether there’s still room here for a happy and respectful relationship. The answer is probably no, because he seems to be past the point of liking her, but it’s possible they could work it out if they get out of their current rut.
She seems to be looking for an answer where her husband continues to be happy with her despite her not working or contributing, which I’m sure would work out well for her but seems like a stretch.
It is COMPLETELY reasonable for him to not want to have sex. It’s entirely normal to be not attracted to someone who is lazy and not contributing. He isn’t just “denying” her. He doesn’t feel sexual, likely as a direct result of her lack of responsibility.
She should focus on being a better partner, being responsible, and *then* if his sex drive doesn’t come back the two of them should try to work together towards it.
But right now this is entirely her fault. He is perfectly fine to not want to have sex when his drive isn’t there. He’s giving her clear feedback on what is needed to help get his drive back.
Their marriage isn’t going to last….
The best thing for you to do is probably stay out of it. Interfering in someone else’s marriage (even with good intentions) almost always backfires. If she takes your advice and things don’t work out, she may end up blaming you. Just be a good friend and listen. Encourage her to look for a job, help motivate her to be a better partner.
Either one of two things is happening here: he’s using sex as leverage to get her to do what he wants (which. While a very bad way of going about it, what he wants isn’t unreasonable) OR her lack of motivation and sloppiness has made her unattractive to him. Which is also completely reasonable. He probably feels really frustrated and stressed, and isn’t able to separate those feelings from her because it seems she’s the center of them. If she isn’t working, he may be having a hard time bearing the entire financial load. The least she could do is take care of the house while she is unemployed. I can completely understand his frustration. Coming home after working to your spouse basically doing nothing and having to clean by yourself is unbelievably infuriating and insulting.
I’d make that suggestion, if she asks, then move on. Chances are she doesn’t want advice, she wants a way to get what she wants without doing the work (like getting a job or cleaning the house). She wants validation.
INFO does she have a couple of kids that she’s the primary caretaker for? Or is she just loafing around at home, while contributing little except maybe running some laundry every other day and cooking dinner sometimes?
If there are no kids involved, yeah I’d be pretty resentful. Would be headed for divorce if my wife refused to get a job and contribute to living expenses or be furtheting her education.
If she has two young kids, then she needs to tell her husband to fix his fucking attitude, caring for kids is a 60 hour a week full time job. Although you do get s lot of short 2-5 minute breaks. But you don’t get to turn off and get off your game until they decide it’s finally bed time or nap time. If they’re in school age then, yeah, she needs to get a part time job.
I wouldn’t say that withholding sex on order to “punish” one’s spouse is the answer.
Also keep in mind that “*Choreplay*” doesn’t work. That’s even less sexy, In other words the only reason someone feels motivated to act like an adult and get their own house in order, is if they think there’s sexual favors to be gained in a tit-for-tat fashion. Not exactly an attitude that will lend appreciation or respect from a partner. That’s called being undignified, desperare, and mercenary.
Stay far away from this, nothing good can come out of your buddies wife telling you how she’s not getting laid and doesn’t feel desired. Slippery slope that isn’t good for anyone especially your buddy.
This is something she / they should not be sharing with you and not something that you should be involved with. Refer her to a therapist. Getting a friend involved in their sex life is a inappropriate rabbit hole to go down. If she was being physically or financially abused then it would make sense to get involved.
In order to fully understand the situation you need more information. If he doesn’t feel attracted to her/sexual because of these things that is one thing and only her doing her fair share will fix it. If he does want to have sex but is using these as gateways then that is not okay. No way to know without knowing more. About the situation.
Probably doesn’t want to get baby trapped while waiting for her to stop being a slob and acting like a child (according to him)
Much easier to get divorced with no children involved and it sounds like that’s where this is headed…soon
She needs a job and divorce
My guess is that OP’s friend came to them for advice and OP said “Hey, I know this subreddit…”, then friend doesn’t know how to use Reddit and OP posted it for him.
Anyway, I too wouldn’t be sexual with my partner in his situation and be concerned as well. It is very hard to feel like you’re being “leeched” and it’s easy to have concerns about being baby-trapped or in a relationship that’s one-sided with respect to the financial responsibilities. Granted, I’m assuming here that she doesn’t do her fair share of housework and hence the “slob.”
As others said, you OP should only show him this thread and not involve yourself further – unless the situation gets extremely bad.
If I may, let me share with you an experience I had. I was living with this woman for an year. I supported her while she was finishing college. After that, she was supposed to be looking for jobs. She was in debt (not like deep debt, but definitely worrisome) and I was living on a grad school stipend and was starting to run out of savings even though we were very frugal.
A couple of months later, I asked her how the job search was going because she hadn’t brought up any updates in a bit (not even the typical complaint like “I’ve sent so many CVs and no answer”).
She told me that she hadn’t applied for a single job in like a month and that I was being an asshole for asking because I was putting pressure on her. (In the meantime, I was seeing my savings go down the drain.)
Not too long after, I broke up with her. It was horrible. She moved cities (great because this gave us a lot of distance).
Guess what? 2 weeks later she found a gig to help her support herself. I was so pissed. “Why couldn’t she have done that while with me?” I eventually came to terms with the fact that where there is a will, there’s a way and that there are relationships we are not really interested in putting effort on. I was on the receiving end of it that time.
Anyway, I hope he figures this out soon and that he can move on from it quickly, worse comes to worst.
I once went about 10 months without sex in my last relationship because my partner became a lazy person who complained about having to work one day a week and kept complaining he was tired when I had been at work and classes all day. Every day.
I legitimately thought I was asexual for a while.
Top comment is right: the solution depends on whether he’s using sex as leverage or if he’s not attracted to her because she doesn’t contribute.
Culturally it’s more expected for men to be the breadwinners/caretakers in the relationship and many men are raised with that mentality, but in reality it can be hard to be attracted to someone who doesn’t bring anything helpful or productive to the relationship.
But why would she talk to her husband’s friend about their sex life?
4 years she still can’t get a job?
Maybe she needs therapy first 🤔
Well, at least she doesn’t have to worry about getting pregnant! But seriously, your friend needs a reality check.
I know someone who didn’t work or do anything productive for 10 years. They were able to bounce back. You can too, it’s not impossible. I have faith in you. It sucks that those around you aren’t supporting you in your time of need and sort of leaving you while you’re down but you have to pick yourself up. Your doctor will be your best resource. Good luck. I know someone who went from your situation to being a regional manager of a good company. (:
I think it’s kind of fuxked that she told you that.
It’s no one’s elses business really. Not your problem to solve.
Referring back to an old post- it should not be an issue with your husband if you ask him to help you get therapy. It is not expecting too much. Mental illness should be treated the same as any other illness. Not to mention vows… Although he may have a lot on his plate, It doesn’t sound like he really cares about your mental well-being and I hope you chose yourself and do what is best for you. I would reach out to family or friends that can help you find something that works for you. There are many online options now that are cheaper than in person appointments. Maybe there’s a payment plan you can do and if you have insurance, that helps. I know working can suck but if you drive, you can sign up to be a driver or shopper like Lyft, Ubereats, Instacart, etc. and you can sing up for more than one. It’s an easy set up and you make your own hours.
I don’t recall if you said what you were studying, but if you still have interests in that it’s never too late to keep learning and working towards that goal.
Think about positive things you enjoy that make you feel happy and alive. How can you incorporate that into you life? How can you incorporate that into a job or career?
Write down your ideas, apply for some jobs in the areas, look them up/do some research to get more information (ab the job/activity, school…) and plan time for you to start doing those things.
I wish you the best
Is the friend in the room with us right now?
I wouldn’t be able to sleep with someone who contributes nothing to the relationship either. They become more of a child at that point.