My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and have been open for the past couple of years as our individual sexual drives and interests have changed. In most cases, neither of us has had any issue with the open relationship when it’s just casual meetings or quick meetings with FWBs. However, my boyfriend has long had a list of sexual partners that he started about six months after we started dating that he wanted to keep in contact with. I was 20 when we first started dating and I caught him chatting with one of these guys about six months into our relationship. Those chats were sexual and mentioned my boyfriend warming me up to the idea of having threesomes, something he had never talked to me about prior to that. When I discovered this, I was sad and confronted him about it. In my naivete, I accepted his argument that he and the other guys he was talking to were his friends and he should’t have to give up his friends just to stay with me. Internally, this set up a foundation of mistrust and I began talking to other guys as well. Eventually, about three years into our relationship, I physically cheated on him and he found out about it, leading to a conversation about what we each considered cheating.
Cut to now and our open relationship. When I find partners, I usually use Grindr and meet with guys who I’ve not met before or have met a couple of times. When he finds partners, they are usually guys who he is friends with. It does make me feel uncomfortable knowing that he has such a long history with some of these guys. He’s not had an explicit romantic relationship with any of them, but I would consider them close friendships. What has really bothered me is that he will fly to different States to meet with some of them, spending several days there where I don’t really know what he’s up to. This is not something that I have done, and when I’ve considered it, I decided not to because it felt reactive and hurtful. When he does it, I feel hurt and it often is a trigger for my depression.
For others in open relationships, is this a conflict that you have found yourself in? How did you address it?
TL;DR, my (27 M) boyfriend (42 M) travels to different cities to meet with his FWBs and I’m usually unaware of his whereabouts during those visits. It makes me uncomfortable, but I wonder if I’m being unfair. For others in open relationships, have you encountered this issue before? How did you address it?