Ok so im a full on introvert if im gonna be honest but I wanna know your guys secret to keeping a conversation going. I suppose theres this friend who im not very close with but would like to be closer but really our conversations don’t really move too much past our usual initial greeting at the start of class and maybe me showing a magic trick or talking about some movie but yeah. I believe he is also introverted as well so maybe that may also be why but idk.
As well as that theres a girl that im friends with and kinda like but yeah our convo’s never really move too far past hi and me trying to ask some random question. Sometimes they do but yeah its like catching lighting in a bottle. How do I move past those sort of blockades and take the conversation forward? Or maybe better question, how do i keep it moving forward? Idk. However I do realise that conversations require the willingness of both people involved and if the other isn’t putting in the effort I should just stop but idk. Tell me your wisdommmm
Anyway thanks for reading and any advice is much appreciated.
31 comments
Something I noticed that worked well:
**Ask for their opinion.**
Could be anything. Movie gets mentioned? Ask what they thought of it. Current news topic? Ask how they see this.
Another thing:
**Ask about what they do.**
Noticed this in university where some people seemed kinda surprised when being asked about their subject. Apparently they never got asked cause everyone is only interested in mainstream subjects.
After some minutes they genuinely get activated to talk about their fields because – simple psychology – **people love talking about themselves.**
In general, try to make them “talk” instead of “answer”, i.e. no yes-or-no questions. (Comparable to the simple question 1 and the in-depth last question in a school test).
Famous example:
Don’t ask if they have (how many) siblings. Ask what they do?
Conversations require “extensions”. That means when someone asks you a question you should answer it, then add an extension. An extension means you then either elaborate on the answer you just gave with additional details or thoughts, OR you ask the other person a question, either on the same topic or a different one.
This requires both people in the conversation to participate in the back and forth. If your friend is bad at small talk, then it will be up to you to carry more of the weight of the convo by either asking more questions or speaking more yourself. But pay attention to their body language in case they are looking for a polite way to exit the convo altogether.
If you have severe social anxiety like I did, this will help:
Visualize a fountain of love above the person you’re going to talk to’s head, and imagine the words you say are going to cause this fountain of love to pour on them. Rather than focus on the fear that rises in your chest of “oh no, how are they going to respond” focus on the fountain of love over their head.
Memorize:
-where are you from?
-where did you grow up?
-what do you like to do for fun?
-what type of movies/tv shows/books/music do you like
-what have you been up to
additionally memorize:
-what’s been the best part of your day so far
-what’s been the worst part of your day so far?
-what’d you have for breakfast/dinner?
Treat additional questions as a chance to be creative. You can monkey branch off of memorized questions and brainstorm up new questions in relation to those.
Contribute information about yourself as well.
——–
(The reason you use memorized questions is because you don’t want to spend a bunch of energy figuring out what to say – you want to have questions ready to fire off.
If you have mixed feelings about the phoniness or insincerity of using memorized questions, realize the fact you care how the other person will respond means the questions aren’t insincere.)
Treat everyone as a friend, and don’t put them on a pedestal.
When giving a response to someone, give them multiple angles to latch on.
So if they ask where you are from, instead of just saying: “from london”, say for example “i live in london! I’m originally from oxford but moved here 3 years ago. I’m renting this little appartment near xx. It is very practical, near a cinema, so i go to the movies regularly!”
This might be a bit over the top, but this way, it makes your conversation partner easier to “pick” something to continue asking about.
I have the same problem
Just keep asking questions. People love to talk about themselves
Don’t be afraid to ask someone to get a coffee and it’s ok if the conversation lulls. Silences are not always a bad sign.
Small moments like grabbing a drink and sitting under the trees was my favorite way to decompress and make friends while I was in school. It felt good to be in the company of someone, while still being able to hear my own thoughts. The best conversations happen organically – an observation, an idea, or a story. They’ll start to trickle in with familiarity and the consistency of being around each other.
I will add that the advice above to ask follow-up questions, or more detail, is a good one. It gives them permission to elaborate without judgement, especially if it’s something they’re passionate about. When someone is really into a thing, that excitement is contagious and they’ll associate you with the good feelings they have over that interest because you allowed them to express their joy.
It’s ok to be quiet. The majority of my friends are extroverts and they gravitate towards me, not because I’m the life of the party, but because I let them relax and be whatever they need in that moment. No one has to be “on.” I’ve had these people in my life for decades now and they’ve never asked or expected me to anything other than me.
A big part of talking is having good listening skills. Some people can talk and talk and talk and talk. All they need is someone to listen.
It really sucks sometimes being introverted because the world seems to be run and designed for extroverts. I have your problem on dates sometimes and I just feel like any silence is causing the other person to think the date has no chemistry. I know that’s kind of negative thinking on my part but I feel like it’s true.
Thanks OP for posting this question- I’m all ears 👂
Talk about subjects and things ***they*** bring up.
Baseball, books, movies. Even if you know nothing about football, you can have someone talking for hours if they are a fan. The important thing is that you can’t be the person who hears the list of topics brought up and thinks, “well I don’t like (blank) and so I know nothing about, so I don’t want to hear what is ranted about it.”
There must be an interest to even talk. Asking questions and building on them helps. Its like dating, you can’t date someone who doesnt even like you.
I always thought this was more if a physce issue. Let me elaborate. If you feel good internal/mentally, you can pretty much handle ANY situation. I say work on your thought process.
One big question is DO I OR THE OTHER PERSON RRALLY CARE? (if I’m quiet or not)
Usually people’s attention span for others is maybe a second? And if seen something out of the blue maybe 5? And that’s being generous. Do not give people too much credit. Most are bottles up with their own thoughts and emotions.
I’m not the best at conversation myself but just try to be interested in them. I don’t have many friends cause I can’t really fake being interested in someone I’m not interested in but when I do have good chemistry with someone conversation flows very easily and I’m able to get close to people pretty quickly I feel
I know this isn’t what you’re asking for, but know that sometimes it’s totally ok to not have lengthy conversations, or feel like you have to fill in all gaps. Sometimes (probably often) it’s ok to sit with someone in silence, which in itself can be an intimate act, or even better is doing something with someone else in silence, like going for a walk, for example. Or walk together around in an art museum, if you’re near one.
But like others have said, ask open ended questions. Get opinions. As an introvert, when I was in my 20s and living on my own, my go was to talk about cooking, because a lot of people at that age are figuring it out and it can just be fun talking about food and cooking.
Say random shit, laugh a lot and compliment them
Act excited or interested in something they said. Something that’s not too obvious. Keep it positive. I hate when I’m having a conversation with someone and I say something that should elicit a response of “Wow that’s cool!” But there’s crickets. Makes me feel like they’re not really listening and too worried about what they’re going to say next
Practice active listening and ask open-ended questions. Be interested in the person you’re talking to.
I was always told to not ask yes or no questions.
As stated by others.. Ask them questions about themselves, embellish your answers with more words to encourage more chat on their side or maybe it sparks Another interest.
When they give short answers, ask a follow-up detail to facilitate more chat.
Avoid things they seem to answer curtly or with short words. Most of time that’s a sign they are uncomfortable with topic.
Talking about things you are educated about or are interested in could carry over the con until you hit some else they seem interested in.
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Well, Kevin here, the master of conversation, has got some advice for you. First, try starting with knock-knock jokes. Trust me, it always works!
Ask open-ended questions and actively listen to the other person. Show genuine interest in what they have to say.
So i finally got the chance to check this post and i was blown away. I didn’t expect to get this many responses so thanks to all who replied. You guys are awesome for doing that and will have def helped a lot😁
Just keep talking and hope the other person doesn’t escape through the emergency exit.
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listening….lol
I try to connect with people using curiosity as a means of communicating and getting to know them. I find it helps prompt someone to share their stories. Staying curious and asking questions that show interest (of course, don’t interrogate) can help with engagement.
Give them something to work with. Ask questions, or say things to incite them. Make commentary, ask their opinion or advice. Share a story, etc.
Im an introvert myself and cant really hold a conversation but if you really want to make a conversation with an introvert dont ask them questions like “tell me something about yourself”. If they are even somewhat like me theyll hate this question because its just way to open and they wont be able to think of something to reply.
by you both being interested in what’s being said
Ppl love talking about what they’re passionate about. Ask them questions and make sure you listen and ask to elaborate. Extra points if you can find something in common. Everyone is nerdy about something you just gotta figure out what it is 🙂