I (F24) and bf (M24) have been dating about a year. I saw a photo he had taken as a favor for a female coworker, and when asked a simple question he got aggressively defensive. Got angry with me for the first time in our whole relationship, saying he’s never done anything for me to distrust him. It was very out of character for my bf. Even though I didn’t see anything damning, I can’t shake my instinct that something is off based on his reaction. I don’t know if I’m being too rash by trusting this instinct and ending things, or if my past trust issues are arising even though I’ve never worried with him before. Any advice or experience is appreciated.
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Context.. what was the photo?? To me it seems very off for him to respond that way. How did you word the question?
Yes, I have. Definitely, because why is he handling the situation immaturely? And why is he going out of his way to argue about something if he’s so trustworthy? It’s very suspicious. But if you feel in your gut that something is not right, listen to it. Cause it’s rarely wrong.
Yes a long time ago. It was similar to your situation except he went to Hoboken super randomly one day and then got defensive when I thought it was weird. I mean who decides to go to Hoboken to buy shoes? He was sleeping with a wedding planner.
Oh, yes. Trust your instincts. An over-the-top response usually points to big, big lies.
I’ve uncovered multiple family secrets based on insane reactions to innocent questions.
I have. I had a guy act aggressively once and totally dumped him. My gut was screaming that something was off and I always listen to my gut.
I also think if someone is that defensive they are probably guilty of something.
I say trust your instinct.
What was the “simple question”
In short yes, I think you have valid reason to be concerned. However if this is super out of character for him I would maybe consider if he was really stressed about something else, or hangry, really tired, etc. Is it possible your tone was more accusatory then you meant it to be and he overreacted for other reasons and got defensive? If he doesn’t have other red flags I would at least try to talk about it again to see if there’s another reason for his reaction OR if he doubles down or is acting shady in other ways as well.
I just read the context, I think some trust issues from past relationships are boiling up for you. Most people on here have been hurt and will directly point to “he’s cheating!” But he may have went past it fast so you didn’t see it and get the wrong idea, get jealous or start a fight over something unnecessary (to him). There’s a good chance it’s nothing, especially if he’s never broken your trust before. In a relationship you have to have trust in your partner regardless of your past or it’ll just hurt your present. If you broke up with him over that.. it would be pretty messed up.
Trust your instincts but it may help to see if he’s willing to talk and communicate. His initial reaction may not be the whole story and people on this sub are always quick to tell others to breakup at any opportunity.
I feel like there’s not enough info about this guy and the situation. I know from personal experience that I had a few times remembered something differently only because of how I felt in the moment. You can remember the feeling and not entirely remember what happened. But I don’t know you guys so you do you.
Since the title of the post is asking a legitimate question I will answer it. Yes
Let’s reframe it: even if it turns out he really was innocent, there is a still red flag to be observed in how he handled the conversation. Like I saw the context, got a little sketchy with his photo swipe, that’s worth an eyebrow raise but the fact he came at you hard and fast about it is a worry whether he is sketchy or not.
Communication is important but it has to be healthy, him getting that angry over something so small either could have just hurt his pride or something but that still wouldn’t make the tone and angle he took on this okay. It makes you wonder if all future uncomfortable conversations are going to be defined by him getting aggressive like that.
Yeah when the reaction is over the top and beyond what was done to begin with, thats what’s called installing a mental fence. Being trained not to ask because it’s not worth the reaction.
Projecting that guilty conscience. His reaction is telling you that that relationship isn’t strictly co-workers. Go with your gut and dump him.
Yup. Gives an indication of character. Or they are hiding something. Either way it shows a lack of respect.
Once went on a few dates with a guy. Walked past him at uni chatting to a few people as I was heading to class.
“Hey! What’s up?”
Dudebro got accusatory/defensive/cranky.
“Righto – I WON’T be seeing you later buh-bye!” Did the wink and finger gun thing. Walked off.
He’s showing who he is. Question is – are you ok with it?
where there’s smoke, there’s fire. idk your situation, but if it set off alarms for you it’s an abnormal reaction for him. if you guys have been together for about a year and this is the first thing that’s made him angry, i would be very careful. even if he didn’t do anything, he might have considered it or something like that (not saying he did, just saying he might feel guilty for something he’s trying to rationalize). that would be concerning after a year. even if he was totally innocent (which is so doubtful), his reaction was very immature. discussing important (and hard) topics are necessary in a relationship that’s going to last. if he can’t handle communicating in a healthy and mature way now (when it honestly wasn’t that deep assuming he’s innocent), who’s to say he wouldn’t fly off the handle at the mention of something else that worried you? shouldn’t your partner reassure you during times like that?
GUT INSTINCTS ARE SO IMPORTANT. human brains are so complex and amazing that we can pick up on clues and patterns that we don’t even know we’re picking up on. your brain noticed abnormal activity in your boyfriend and is telling you that it’s sketchy. can our brains be wrong? sure! but, are human brains typically super good at picking up on clues and establishing patterns? also yes. this is why gut feelings are so important. they’re typically patterns your brain has picked up on and has assigned value to. based on that, your brain can interpret probable intention in others’ shifts in behavior.
TLDR; if it feels sketchy, it more than likely is sketchy (for some reason or other).
The man doth protest too much.
Yes, I have. My ex threw an absolute fit when he found out that I was given a spare key to the apartment of my male friend.
I was the only person my friend knew, who he could reach in under 20 minutes if he ever locked himself out. He regularly showed up infront of my house with just pj’s on because he did (lol). My ex however was convinced that it’s inappropriate for me to have the key, started screaming and threatened to break up with me because I “basically cheated on him”. You can imagine the surprise pikachu face when I just said “Okay, It’s over then”. Turns out he was actually cheating on me for months at that point and tried to blame me for it.
Part of why I fell in love with my husband was because of his approach to conflict resolution and his way of caring for my feelings without being angrily defensive.
You can believe in your boyfriend’s innocence and still not like what you learned about him in the interaction
Yeah I’m an expert level lair and rule number one is keeping clam no matter what and actually hurt but understanding.
He sounds like his emotions have taken control he might be sneaky later but you caught him when he had no time to mentally prepare so he was frustrated
Maybe he has a bad day? Bad week? Ask later. Ask nicely. I’m much easier to trigger if I haven’t had much sleep for example.
The defensiveness is not great. But the aggression is his true colors and I bet your gut is suddenly aware he can be very NOT NICE. I wouldn’t stick around. Just leave him if your gut is saying so.
On one hand the cover up is often worse than the crime and usually what reveals ill intentions.
On the other I am well aware and have experienced, personally and professionally, the difficulty of a woman who wants to find a problem. That is not a negative statement, and I am making no attempt at a gender equality argument, but I am saying from a physical and mental perspective women and men are different. We follow different thought patterns, which psychology supports, and sometimes we get our wires crossed in communication with each other.
There are two things that are frequently the root of the issue.
One, women are more socially and emotionally ordered than men. Women think about feelings and how interrelated they may be. It’s often about how you feel. You state it in your post. You ‘feel’ something is off and you want to resolve that in some way through sharing and communication. That is not how men think, at all. We need to see a problem, and then we solve it or discuss how to solve it with very little feeling on the matter. If something is wrong we want to see it, or understand how it came to be, or what proof there is, and we dislike someone questioning our competence without evidence. So your man is responding with, what are you talkng about? Where is this coming from? What have I done in the past to justify this accusation? Can I fix it right now? How? No? Then it doesn’t matter. Show me what I can fix when it’s broke. He doesn’t feel anything is wrong, he feels why am I being bothered with this and based on what? Recognizing that other people see the same thing totally different can be hard, and stressful.
Two, men are conditioned to lie to women to avoid arguments, because we really, really don’t want to argue with women. Do I look fat in this? Is a joke question everyone has known since we started putting patterns on clothing. It isn’t funny, but it is demonstrated how men know not to answer the question, and yet women keep asking that kind of question. To women, it’s often about communication, release, or validation. I just need to hear you say it. Whereas men are frequently afraid of of whatever may lead to an argument. Where we are handicapped and helpless. I think it boils down to caveman thinking. Even Bill Gates knows if a man yells at him and he doesn’t understand he can hit him if it gets bad enough. That will end the argument. Can’t do that with women. Big no no, and pretty much everyone in society agrees. So arguments suck. Lying is the lesser of two evils to avoid an argument, in many cases.
So really, it comes down to is it really worth pushing this? What’s the best outcome? What’s the worst outcome? If you think it’s worth it, go ahead. You should consider though whether it’s a needles disruption that will simply bring stress to both of you. Worth, is something to be considered.
We have more single people now than any time in history. Many people under the age of 50 never even had an example of a man and woman getting along in order to even emulate them.
Well, well, well, looks like we’ve got Sherlock Holmes over here! Investigating photos and decoding reactions! Bravo, my dear Watson! But before you jump to any conclusions, maybe ask him if he accidentally put on his defensive boxer briefs that day. Trust issues can be tricky, especially if you’re putting your relationship on trial for a simple photo. Maybe it’s time to lighten up, Nancy Drew!
I totally relate to this. I’m literally the most insecure, untrusting person I know. I have been lied to and cheated on multiple times in past relationships, and due to developing major trust issues can find any reason to think my current partner is being unfaithful. When I bring up these feelings he never become aggressive or defensive. It irritates him on occasion (because it would irritate anyone) but is understanding of where it comes from. IMO this is definitely a red flag and your bf is likely hiding something. Most people who have something to hide or are ashamed of what they have done become defensive when confronted. Trust your gut and just leave. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you question your feelings.
Yes, I have broken up with someone because of a pattern of how they’d react to confrontation for very small issues. It made me think, hey if this is how they handle minor/petty problems, we’re definitely not gonna do well when facing bigger and more serious issues.
Trust your gut, even if your gut is hangry and craving pizza.
Totally. How they react to situations is even more important than the situation itself, which may have a lot of interpretations.
I would be suspicious of this too. My ex would lose his mind if I asked about pictures, eg he had selfies with him and other women in the pub on his phone, and enough porn to rival pornhub. Funnily enough he used to always accuse me of cheating. Current partner just answers questions normally, clarifies stuff with no drama, and displays no secretive behaviours regarding his phone.
If we all listened to advice on this sub none of us would have relationships that last over a month lol. Maybe talk about it like adults when you both feel able to in the next few days?
He might have been having an off day, he might have issues from previous shit, he might be cheating. Who knows, there’s not enough context. Don’t come on here asking for advice and making decisions based on people telling you to trust your gut and get rid after what seems to be the first time he’s ever gotten angry at you.
I don’t get his whole “Have I ever done anything to make you distrust me” line… YEAH, the shit that made you ask that last question and his attitude right now. If that’s the best that he could communicate after a question that had so many possibly innocent responses, then ya, trust ya gut. Especially with your history. He might not have been up to anything but going from showing pics on his phone to crush all challengers in .5 seconds is not nothing.
You don’t need his permission to break up.
Sounds like he missed the ‘how to adult’ memo! Dodged a bullet there, sis! 🙅♀️💃
You may or may not have ended it to quickly over “just a clothed photo” however, a person’s reactions speak louder than their words, and a person’s gut feeling should not be ignored. Maybe this is just the first time you busted him! At a minimum, his reactions are always going to cause you some trust concerns.
A lot depends on what you have done in the past. Is this the very first time you have questioned him? Do you get upset with him for looking at other women or their pictures? If this is the first time you’ve ever said anything remotely accusatory then he had no reason to get defensive and upset. However, if you have been checking up on him, treating him like your exes that cheated, he may well get that kind of “last straw” feeling from this latest incident.
Find a time when you both are calm and just ask him why he got so upset. Don’t make it an accusation just curious what you did that set him off. He may have a good reason. I fear you are using your past experiences to judge him without all the facts. Get the whole picture and then make a decision on what to do.
His reactions says it all. Learn from your experiences and follow your gut institution. If it was nothing he wouldn’t have reacted in any way aggressive or defensive.
I think many men would assume you’re confronting them about possible infidelity in that situation. Even if they’re 100% not guilty, from the other side, you’re really testing the limits of trust without real evidence by doing that. It would absolutely piss me off. That being said it’d be a “you made your bed when you worried about mine” situation where’d I’d just answer honestly and tell her to to leave after.
Now if they were nudes- that’s a different story. But not a candid fully clothed single photo in the work place. You shouldn’t have even brought it up.
I’m 44, been around a while, lots of relationships under my belt before meeting my husband.
One thing I can say about an overly-aggressive response to reasonable questions, is that lashing out at the asker is often a tactic to make you afraid to ask again. You will now weigh every question in your mind wondering if it’s worth the rage he will express to get this question answered. It’s not a flaw, it’s a design.
If 44 year old me could tell 24-year old me some advice, it would be the same as so many other commenters because it still rings true:
Trust your gut. Don’t be gaslit, manipulated, or let him push back on you with nasty reactions. You already know what’s up, and if he isn’t willing to be a decent man and partner and address your concerns, he never will in the future either.
Throw it back. Lots of good, kind, upstanding men out there. He’s already showing you who he is.
even if he isn’t doing something with his coworker, his reaction suggests he can’t handle criticism or having his intentions questioned and that is incredibly difficult to deal with in a relationship. you’re definitely not overreacting, you can end a relationship at any time and for any reason. given your history with cheating partners, i would have expected your boyfriend to be more understanding in this situation and do what he can to assure you. it’s quite odd that his initial reaction is defensive anger. i don’t blame you for being uncomfortable enough to end things.
The post says “asked a simple question” but the title says “confronted”. I guess whether his reaction is reasonable depends which of those things you did.
Ultimately, you know him better than we do. You know whether his reaction is out of character.
Absolutely.
I went on a few dates with someone immediately after my divorce. We lived several hours apart so we didn’t see each other frequently.
One day I didn’t answer his text right away. When we chatted later he accused me of seeing other people and said “that’s what you get when you meet someone online”.
I responded that we hadn’t had the exclusive conversation yet and his comments were uncalled for. I ceased all contact. If someone is that controlling early on and quick to disparage you because you met them online, I could see them forever bringing that up on arguments. Who needs that?
Yes after my last relationship I take any super defensive reaction very seriously. People without anything to hide don’t flip out. I know this is controversial but I would go through his phone if you really want confirmation
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