i (18f) feel like i have pretty decent social skills. i might be quiet/withdrawn at first but people also say i’m very nice, and i’m friendly and talkative when i get to know people. i’m not great at being vulnerable but i’m pretty honest/open about what i’ve been through (there’s a difference) without trauma dumping or anything. so i have a good amount of casual friends.
and yet. i just can’t seem to get close to people or make friendships last. i feel like i’m constantly watching my other friends become closer than me. so many times i’ve introduced people and watch them become better friends than i was than either of them. it’s to the point i’ve lost touch with most people i’ve felt connection with, or else watched my good friends fade into casual ones.
it’s getting a little soul crushing won’t even lie. i don’t know what to do or how to fix it – i’ve seen it for so long but it never changes. what could be causing this/what can i change?? is there a red flag checklist to find out what’s off about me?? is there some vital step in friendship where i keep stumbling??
4 comments
The first thing that came to my brain was “I’ll be your friend”.
Aight, I guess I have the opposite problem. Deep relationships, but it’s harder for me to connect with people initially. When I’m making deep relationships, it is usually because I have something in common with someone, and we both have a reason to be spending that time together. Usually, it is based off my hobbies. Like, I want to be real good at martial arts, so does that guy/gal, let’s hang out. Then some branching out interests a bit to prevent things from getting boring.
Finally, you’ll get the deeper conversations and life events, how you view the world, shared experiences etc.
I’ll say, most people don’t bond as deeply as I do, so it is a bit hard to see from the other side. The other is bonding is typically different for guys than gals. Idc what reddit is going to say about that. So, keep that all in mind. I can answer questions too.
* Spilling my observations… DON’T take them as hard and fast rules…just use ur own experience and instincts*
This happens to me as well
-Just don’t try to be close with anyone whom u meet just to make long lasting friendship…this takes time
– close and long lasting friendship are not so easy to find..and this will happen only when both of u have something in common..(it can be goals, interests, idealogy,)
-Try to hang out with those friends u wanna make close friendship with …. experience the emotions of joy,fear,sadness with them
-Also if u r not able to give time to have meaningful interactions with someone… eventually that spark or intensity u had when u first met with the person will get lost….and he/she will eventually become just a casual friend
-Sometimes we form pre assumptions abt a person due to which we hesitate to get too close with them..but the reality may be different
-Also it is not wrong to take ur time in understanding the person..and then eventually deciding on whether he/she and u..can become close friends or not…ofc good relationships can’t form immediately..they take time..
– when u both feel that u can share some of ur life prblms or secrets then that is a good sign of being close.
I’m the same age and I struggle with the same problem. When I meet new people, they often tell me that I come off as approachable and friendly. It’s a great compliment, but I don’t know how to develop that friendship into something more. I crave intimacy, but I’m afraid of vulnerability. Because of this, these amazing people and I end up as casual friends, or we end up not speaking.
I guess what seems to be working for me is to continue to initiate interaction with the people I want to develop that friendship with. I invite them to try this new boba shop with me or invite them to watch this movie. Everything is activity-based and is something that can be experienced together. Then, I try to do things where we both fail and grow together in a safe environment. For instance, one of my friends and I never went rock climbing before, but we went for fun. We failed a lot, but we got through it together and laughed. Demonstrating failure in a low-stake environment can make you feel more prepared for a larger situation where you need to open up to be vulnerable. I notice I begin to feel more comfortable with them this way. Over time, I will feel more open to being vulnerable.
It’s something that takes time, but good friendships aren’t created overnight.
Best thing is stop trying you seam desperate to other ppl you won’t to yourself but to other’s you are.best thing is be yourself,you seam to me a introvert as you have all the traits,as I too am a introvert,I just take it in my stride,if ppl don’t want to talk to me I don’t give a sh…t,it’s them who have the problem,don’t force yourself to be involved with other’s they are the twats,they are not true thoughtful ppl,they are very selfish ,remember you are better that them.