My wife is a serious venter and I can usually listen just fine and keep my mouth shut because I know better. She can really get carried with some of her thoughts and the venting can turn into anger and then she starts going in circles on the same topic. I’ll even interrupt and say “hey I’m really tired because work was really crazy today” and she’ll be like “I know I’m just telling you this so you know…” And then keep going. Then I’ll get annoyed and she’ll get annoyed and go away.
The thing is that she is so focused on some of these things in our lives that it gives her anxiety and she has to talk about it. So much that most of the time she won’t even ask how my day was or how I’m doing. She cares for me in every other way but expressing it verbally isn’t her style. So I just feel like I’m being asked to listen just to listen and if I don’t, I’ll get the silent treatment.
Edit: wow I just woke up to all kind and thoughtful responses from everyone. I’m really glad that people can relate to this from both sides. I’m going to encourage her to look into journaling and also counseling. She doesn’t think anything is wrong with what she’s doing so it makes it hard to convince her. Nonetheless I will come back to this thread to read the responses and keep working on the problem.
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Different communication styles. You need to talk it out and figure out how you can both communicate effectively. Go for marriage counselling if you have to.
That seems exhausting.
Casually say this…
“Do you notice that you never ask me anything about my day? Yet you always go straight into what happened to you on a daily basis? Why is that? Do you not just care about my daily trials and tribulations or are you so fixated on yourself that my shit is just my shit?”
I would love to hear her answer.
Silent treatment aside,:
Is she venting about you or directing the anger at you?
Or is she just venting about life and not directing anything to you?
“I know this helps you but I don’t have the headspace for this right now honey. Can we talk about this later I really don’t feel great.”
I’d honestly talk about this with at a later date. You both clearly have different ways to decompress and communicate and if you leave it too long it could fester and turn to resentment
This is how I communicate as well. Mindful meditation helps me to manage it. If Im not, then I am definitely a nightmare for my husband.
Set aside 20minutes most days to be vent time.
I have this issue and it feels like my brain is over firing sometimes because I am so irritated/overwhelmed/stressed…..it’s the repeating myself that freaks me out sometimes….
Not sure what to suggest but I know when I am having an episode (what I call it) it feels like sensory overload and I can’t stop, best thing I can hope for is the other person can either distract me from the circling thoughts, or join me in the thoughts and rant until tired lol but distraction seems more your angle
Happened to my husband and I a lot, we’ve managed to get control of it somewhat.
We have debrief sessions after work. Usually in the first hour of us being home together after work we just spill. That’s the only time we get to gripe about work stuff. We don’t time it or anything, but because I have a tendency to be a long winded complainer, I let him go first so I don’t run him over and exhaust him with my BS before he gets a chance to decompress.
Another thing we do is something he came up with out of panic for my chronic list making and far off in the distance ideas about or home and our life and our future. He suggested I keep a binder, he told me he doesn’t have room in his brain for all of his own shit and all of my daydreaming, which is completely fair because I always have these far off daydreams about all the things I want to do. It’s still important to me to share with him, but I keep it short and put the rest in the binder. It’s essentially diary of plans. She needs a place to put all of her gripes that isn’t you.
You both probably feel like the other person is being inconsiderate, so you both have to compromise. She’s going to have to vent to you still, but she’s going to have to start wrapping it up before she spirals into the negativity. When she gets repetitive, tell her. Tell her you don’t need to revisit this, you’ve already gone over it.
If she’s repeatedly venting about something that is truly an unsolvable problem, tell her that since it can’t be fixed complaining about it isn’t going to fix it either.
I used to prattle on and on about exhausting nonsense to my husband, and honestly, I feel better now that I don’t anymore, and so does he.
Let her vent for a little and get it out, but at a point it becomes unhealthy. Take cues from the conversation and use them to lead to other topics. Don’t totally change the subject and act dismissive, but add in other things about people or events she’s talking about that. Even small things that can just disrupt the cycle of anger and hyper focus on what’s bothering her. If you can’t redirect to a lighter subject, try talking about her plan for how she is going to navigate this situation. Redirect from the injustice that’s out of her control to what control she does have over the situation. It could be nothing more than being able to privately say ‘I told you so’ once the situation has settled, but having a plan imparts a sense of control. A big part of the anger and frustration comes from feeling a lack of control. Even feeling like you have control over some aspect of the situation makes it more manageable and can break that cycle.
Sounds more like complaining than venting. She needs to learn how to process some of her own thoughts/concerns/frustrations without loading every little thing on to you.
Also the silent treatment, stonewalling, is a form of emotional abuse.
Sounds like there’s some things to work on in therapy
Does she have other people she can talk to? I used to use my partner for venting and realized it wasn’t fair to him; I signed up for online therapy and have someone I pay to listen to me and rant a little to so I can get some of those feelings out and be a bit nicer/more present in my marriage.
Following for advice. You are not alone. It’s tough being the one dealing with this on both ends. I just said to my husband, hey did you post this? Haha
I’ll often point out to my husband ‘it’s been X days since you asked me how my day was’ and that realization usually will help him adjust his behavior for a couple weeks before he inevitably slides back into constantly venting and talking about his stuff
I am a SAHM with serious family issues going on so I usually vent to my husband when he gets home if I have to. Some days, he’s the first adult I’ve talked to all day and he was at work talking all day. Sometimes he will try to give me answers and I will tell him, I don’t really want answers I just want you to listen.
I know him well enough to tell when he doesn’t have the head space for it but I recently started to actively change unhealthy habits so I am more self aware. I wasn’t always a stay at home mom so I know when I came home from work, I needed to decompress.
Now I apologize and realize and say “I’m sorry, I can tell you’re done with words today.”
Maybe you can ask her if she would like solutions or just for a listening ear. She is ignoring you telling her you don’t have the headspace for it and it turns into an argument or silent treatment, so essentially her anxieties are affecting your marriage. Maybe, you can really tell her how you feel and suggest she sees a therapist who is not biased and can listen to her issues.
Find a therapist who specializes in anxiety treatment and ask her to go. She never learned to regulate her anxiety and she’s an adult now, time to learn that anxiety doesn’t excuse this behavior. My teenager does this and after a year of therapy, it SO MUCH better.
The inability to stop talking is a symptom of anxiety. Especially with “circling” the topic obsessively like you’re describing.
You could suggest she take up journaling to organize her thoughts about things, or speak with a therapist.
But the first step is her realizing that she’s doing it, and agreeing that it’s too much
I think you should bring it up when she is not venting. Discuss with her when the both of you are calm and receptive. And ask yourselves questions on how to fix the venting, set boundaries, or even a word that tells the other “time out”. Or even, buy an hourglass and say here, that’s the time you got to vent, and then we move on.
I think you’ve received a lot of great advice here but I did want to add that she may need outside resources to help her feel better mentally supported. I know times that I’ve circled the drain are also when I feel most vulnerable and helpless. I’m not suggesting this is the case w her but that maybe a hobby that helps balance her could lead to an overall healthier emotional arena for both of you. Like meditation or if she’s someone who isn’t receptive to that, potentially journaling, baking, running, drawing, reading, taking a pottery or tennis or squash class or even using ClassPass — anything meditative in nature that helps diffuse her inner tension. Also, even when someone doesn’t need dialectical behavior therapy, I think we all benefit greatly from DBT worksheets and learning to better accommodate ourselves and our own emotional regulation. This isn’t to say that she never pursue you as a sounding board or support system but is meant to instead help take some of the pressure off of you. You should absolutely be who she turns to in times of distress but it is unfair to both of you that you be made to be her entire world in these moments — she may grow disappointed in your emotional fatigue and you may grow resentful of her emotional intolerance; having other areas in her life where she can unload will be tremendously beneficial to both of you
Hey, fellow venter here. I felt like I was driving my fiancé crazy with my venting, even though he didn’t say anything I could feel he was tired of it. So I went to therapy for it. I learned that venting can make some people feel better, and others makes them fired up more. I’m definitely in the latter category, and your wife probably is too. I learned other techniques in therapy that helped much better than venting. I’d see if she’d be willing to do therapy for it.
My wife is like this too, she is a vent or for sure and will go on and on. Now, the difference is, she normally asks me about my day first. Depending on how she asks, I already know I’m in for a doozy! Hahaha
I had a TIA or mild stroke two years ago and had daily migraines for a little over two years. So we had to figure out a way for her to still vent, but so it would t make things worse for me.
First thing, she says, “put in your earplugs”. I do, then I listen. If she gets too loud or too much for me, I say, “Honey, this is a bit too much for me right now, can you bring it down a few levels, or can we do it later?”
She understands and works with me. She has always been a ventor and she has always been loud and comes off as aggressive. But, in the 11 years together she has never done anything to anyone but yell and vent and be upset, which is fine.
Most importantly I had to tell her about my problems with her loudness when she was not upset. Then when it happened, I popped in my ear plugs in front of her and reminded her… and she kept asking me if she was too loud, etc. Now we have it down.
It takes practice and open and honest communication. Sure, I wish she didn’t communicate this way, but this is who she is and that is okay, I love her, even when she is like this… it’s who she is.
Quietly listen, attentively. Offer no criticism at all. Redirect her as gently as possible to a different topic as soon as you can. This will blow up in your face 25% of the time btw
I used to be like this. Your wife needs counseling.
It’s okay for you to discuss a boundary around this. My ex finally told me “it’s really hard when you come home from work and go straight into venting. Can we please talk about something positive first?” I got the hint and tbh was a little embarrassed (this was pretty early on in our relationship).
It sounds like you’ve already tried something like this. Have you told her this directly at a time when she’s not worked up? Maybe you could agree to check in first – “hey, is now a good time to vent?, then not get pissy when the other person says no.
Your wife needs to take your feelings into consideration too. It’s not all about her feelings. You are not responsible for her feeling either, she is. Again, she needs to take charge and get into counseling. Then she can vent all she wants in a safe space that’s all about her, and actually learn some tools to deal with her thoughts / emotions.
It’s kinda tough but that is all u could like u said shush listen hug 🫂🤗 kisses and say everything is going to be just fine but then again idk all ur guys lives or relationship but that’s what a lot of men do other then that idk does she have depression and if so is she getting treated for it
I used to teach active listening for a crisis line. This can be really helpful in these situations. My recommendations are . . .
Parroting/mirroring depending on who’s teaching the class and the verbiage they use. This is repeating a word they said ie: sally really is lazy . . . Lazy. It lets the other person feel like you’re listening more intently then you are.
Minimal encouragers: hmm mmm ahh
Normally I’d tell you to be careful how you use this it can sound like agreement but in this situation I don’t think that applies.
Summarizing: my wife says she’s going to have these words engraved on my headstone.
I want to make sure I’m understanding you correctly.
This can be used both to make someone feel heard and understood, to actually clarify the situation or to make someone realize how ridiculous what they said was and give them the opportunity to own it or redefine.
I used this yesterday in a comment about an older child to be “forced” to watch two young children because the grandparents were in a horrible car accident. The person I was responding to said they should have left the 11 and 7 year old home alone. I said I want to make sure I’m understanding you correctly you believe that an 11 yr old and a 7 year old are responsible enough to take care of themselves while the parents are out of state?
This pushes the information back on them causing to confirm or deny. You could say I want to make sure I’m understanding you correctly sally did x and it made you feel . . .
Reflect those feelings! I can hear how, you sound so, it seems like . . . You’re really resentful that sally does X.
The hard part ending a whirlpool conversation/argument. It just keeps circling you can’t get out nothing constructive is being obtained.
You can say things like I hear how frustrated you are, what do you think you can do to change the situation?
I hear how (input emotion) you are let’s go do x to brighten the day. X can be anything, tv show to a night out.
Or you can be childish and turn the tables. Before she winds up for a big rant you go in hard on your day. I honestly don’t think this is the first option to try but some people don’t have the ability to understand until they themselves have to deal with the situation.
My father and I used to take a lot of road trips sometimes alone sometimes with other people. When other people were there I being the youngest or smallest always had to sit in the back. Not a problem, except my dad always buys convertibles and doing 80 in the back of a convertible is hell. I would ask over and over to put the top up. I would say I’m getting sunburnt, wind burnt, that’s the 7th bug I’ve eaten today . . . Nothing changed his mind, the top stays down. Then I got my license. See Dad had never had to sit in the back he was the driver until one day it was his turn in the back. Twenty minutes in ge asked to pull over and put the top up. I never had to ask again, sometimes only experiencing what you’re subjecting everyone else to is the only way to stop the behavior.
Guilty wife here! I used to unload on my husband something fierce.. he dealt with this for the first 10 years of our marriage.
I saw a therapist for a few months for my anxiety. That was 11 years ago.
Try to get your wife to start writing. Go buy her a journal and a couple of nice pens. Write her something on the first page. Example: “I love you and know you need a place to unload your day.. somedays, I am too tired to be present for all of it.. please put them here instead.”
When things get stressful now, I find myself unloading on him and I have to stop.
We still talk all the time about every subject. Just not when he’s exhausted or when stress levels are high.
Point out to her that she never asks you about your day. Tell her it is really important to you. She needs to be aware of this. It sounds like she is a selfish communicator, ie lots of talking, not much listening. Address that with her. What I’ve noticed, is that people with anxiety are often so wrapped up in their heads/ stress/ thoughts that they do not give equally, or give with the quality of a more relaxed person. Being high anxiety robs a lot of energy from a person. So the needs you have, ie for venting to stop after 10 mins or whatever, need to be clearly stated and frequently repeated. Write your needs in neon, so to speak, until they become part of the relationship habit.
Tough question. I had a similar problem with my mom. I told her to stop it because it stresses me out, and she got offended…. let me know if you figure this one out.
For myself, I have very little threshold for venting. I listen for a bit and if I hear her not getting to any problem resolution I let her know this is a conversation to be had with her friends. Men and women communicate about their problems very differently. Whether this is biology or just social conditioning I don’t know. The big thing you need to make sure you do is not blow her off but redirect her to a healthy outlet.
My husband says “Speaking ban” and I know I went to far- lol
I know when I need to vent of course getting it out makes me feel better but I was doing the same thing and just repeating the same thing so I found Penzu it’s an online journal and man does it help get it all out and if I’m angry I just hit the keys a little harder. Plus it’s kinda fun to look back a year later and think wow…. That was silly or wow….you made it through it look at ya now.