I talk and I can just see their eyes glaze over. People I care about, my own boyfriend, my friends. Sometimes they don’t even look at me while I’m talking, completely checked out and ignoring me. On their phone, saying “mhmm” every few seconds, pretending to listen. At that point, I’d rather them just tell me to shut the fuck up or something. It makes me very self conscious and insecure, like I don’t matter. So I keep the talking to a minimum, only speak when spoken to. I overthink every single thing that comes out of my mouth. I talk quietly because I’m scared that I’m saying something stupid. But then people think I’m weird or standoffish when quiet. “Why are you so quiet?” “What’s with the attitude?” “You need to talk more” etc. No one gives a fuck when I speak but I’m ridiculed when I don’t. I just don’t understand what people want from me. Why am I not worth someone just simply listening to me when I speak.
33 comments
Take an improv class or toastmasters group. Its terrifying but you will make rapid improvements in the shortest amount of time.
Have you ever told them how you feel?
They sound awful. This is incredibly rude behavior. Be you…as loud or quiet as you want and weed out the people who don’t enjoy who you are authentically and gain people who will never make you feel so insecure.
Practice Pressure and Release
Biggest thing is to be around different people maybe strangers who are receptive to you so you can build your confidence up and learn to build rapport. If you get people to like you, they give you more slack or won’t even think that way.
Think of the topics you’re talking about, ask open ended questions or maybe ask less questions. Talk more about what the group is talking about. Don’t be a wall flower, you gotta socialize and move around even though no one is coming to start a chat. learn to read the room if you’re talking too much to stop talking. The timing of when you talk, don’t be random with random subjects. Make funny jokes if being witty is something you can do.
I do that with people who like to vent constantly, but are not receptive to any input or advice. People who complain a lot about same issues, that stay unresolved for years. People who gossip a lot. Those with “woe is me” mentality. Those who talk extensively about subjects I have no knowledge about, nor any interest in.
Not saying you’re any of that, but those things would make me go “mhmm” and zone out.
Okay, this is a strange solution.but it worked for me.
So,what I did,and that was an advise what they gave me 25 years ago… Try talking with more dynamics.
Use more volume ,use more tones.
Talk with authority and passion.
Think back to school, Some teachers could talk in the classroom and I was distracted within seconds.
Other teachers could talk and I was full focused.(even with Math or something.)
Think back and try to figure out the difference between those 2.
Following!
Firstly ensure that what you’re talking about is actually of interest to them. My mother and brother have always been the type to talk and talk and talk and there’s not a lot I can do to stop it politely. I quickly adopt this “mhmm” persona but the less interest I show, the harder they work to try and get my attention.
Nowadays it seems like they just think that’s the way I am in a conversation, so as soon as I do engage politely, they just get more excited about it and go on even longer into stuff I care about even less.
Nobody has any obligation to have a conversation about something they have no interest in talking about. Please ensure that someone has actually demonstrated interest in having a conversation about a topic before trying to drag them into it
If this only happens with a few specific people, there’s nothing wrong with you. Everyone has different interests.
If this happens with literally everyone, then you might just be waffling. Waffling for example, is when someone asks you a question and you go into a story about it rather than actually answer the question. The worst part is, you *think* you’re answering the question, but no. My wife and I both do it, but we have ADHD and it’s common with that.
Some rules that really helped us tone down our conversational energy were:
You’re only allowed to speak when:
* You need to learn something (i.e. ask a question)
* You’re answering a question
* You’re affirming an action by somebody else (e.g. thank you)
Try living under those rules yourself and see how hard it is. You’ll find a lot of what you say isn’t really worth saying, and if it is, it’ll be worth phrasing it into a question. We found our energy levels dramatically improve doing this.
It’s tough, so we stopped doing it so strictly after a while, but we’re definitely both more conscious of things like asking permission to vent before launching into it, and so on.
“Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter” people who care about you will pay attention. Worry not my friend some people are caught up in their own stuff. The world is heavy right now be easy.
Try listening to yourself. I mean listen to what you really want and need and go for it. The way others treat you may be a reflection of the way you treat yourself.
Learn to love and appreaciate yourself . Your words are important and they are not something stupid.
When you appreaciate, respect and love yourself first, it will be easier for others and they then know that they should treat you with worth and respect too.
Get straight to the point, talk less but tell the same thing. It works for me as far as I see.
Youre probably an energy taker instead of a giver. Ask someone to be in a video recording and try to have a candid conversation and watch the interaction.
Sometimes the people in our lives are jerks. You are worthy of someone’s attention.
I don’t know if this is actually an issue for you but I’ve always felt like I give more weight to details then others do, which probably makes my talking unnecessarily long compared to some others. I get the same glazed look and usually try to wrap it up swiftly. It happens even quicker if I talk about things the listener doesn’t really care about.
What I am trying to say is that it isn’t necessarily about not liking you or not valuing you. Could just be that your style of communication isn’t the best fit for them (which could be a whole different kind of problem).
In any case I hope you find a way to appreciate yourself and have others do the same. Good luck.
This 100%
Assume you’re the problem because the world isn’t going to change for you. Be more concise. Be more dynamic. Get to the point. Talk about things that are funny or interesting rather than prattling on about minutae of your day. Try not to repeat yourself.
You probably have low credibility among your loved ones of interesting convo at this point. So do the above to turn it around. And then you can relax at bit more once you have – interesting conversation credibility – built up a little more
I do this a decent bit. I don’t look at my phone and try to make it look like I’m not ignoring someone when they’re talking to me. I just never have anything to say, my mind goes blank so I end up giving very bland responses that might come across as not being interested. I hate it, idk why this happens. If I know someone well then I can typically conversate just fine. Makes no sense because I don’t really get anxious when someone who I don’t know well tries to talk to me.
record and watch yourself talk.
A part of conversation is people to listen, but also making yourself easy to listen to. You have control over both parts. Take the effort to improve yourself to a level you are satisfied with and then ignore anyone who doesn’t value you at that level.
I’m still struggling with this issue. It has a lot to do with childhood authority figures treating me like garbage so I constantly have those thoughts telling me I’m not good enough. Plus I have ADD.
If you’re interested in learning how to cope with any of that if you do try reading “CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving” by Pete Walker. It really is a great book if you have those thoughts stopping you.
I have the same problem with my family. I think because I’ve always been the quiet, nerdy bookworm, I have a boring reputation, and they don’t care what I have to say. It could be that your personality is just not compatible with your social group, and you may need to find new people. I’ve noticed that the more physical and emotional distance I have from my family, the more confidence I have because they’re not low-key negging me all the time. Maybe you could try “practicing” being the person you want to be in a different setting with different people, like in the checkout line or at a restaurant. You may find you can be funny and interesting in a short, low-stakes social interaction, which will give you more confidence in other settings. Good luck, honey!
That’s nice dear…
I’ve had the exact same problem in the past. It’s like everything I do, socially, is the wrong thing, and everyone perceives me as a weird, childish, idiot. Everything I do is wrong, and everything everyone else does is okay.
I wish I could give you a hug and tell you everything is gonna be okay. I feel your pain.
This happens a lot – people go ranting about their problems and expect you to listen with full attention, but then when you need an ear they don’t bother to hear you out properly.
I call them out on it, I tell them that I expect them to return the same curtesy as I did to them. If they still don’t listen, then I distance myself from them or say something outrageous on purpose to see if they respond to what I just said.
pretend your a middle aged dad and talk out of your ass like you’re the king
nobody makes fun of confidence for long
i know a lot of irritating people who get along better than me
Are you a “low maintenance” friend? Or people pleaser? Nobody will see you unless you set your own boundaries
It depends a lot on social status. I mean if your social skills suck you’ll be categorised as low status. Also status depends on a whole lot of things. High status individuals can say pretty much anything and others will usually laugh and react well. When I say something I’m usually ignored or I get a very limited reaction (when I’m with colleagues ir people who don’t really like me).
KEVIN: Have you tried talking in a British accent? That always gets people’s attention. Or just randomly scream, that tends to work too. But in all seriousness, if they can’t give you the basic respect of listening, then maybe they aren’t worth your time.
Well, that explains why I’ve never heard your jokes. But seriously, maybe I can help? What’s on your mind?
KEVIN: Wow, sounds like you need to narrate a documentary. Maybe then people will actually listen.
Well, maybe you’re just too funny and people can’t handle your humor. Keep making them laugh, who needs listeners anyways?