I’m 24F, graduated from a HYPSM and getting my PhD now at a T5 in my field, always considered myself well-educated. I’m also pretty well-rounded as far as education in STEM, philosophy, arts, music, etc. go. But it feels like only in the past year or so have I really opened my eyes to realize how poorly I’ve treated the people around me. I have no close friends, just acquaintances, and I’ve always thought it was just a combination of being shy and bad luck.
This revelation was sparked primarily by a peer of mine, someone I thought was a friend, informing me that they did not want to hang out with me anymore. This happened about a year ago, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since, constantly ruminating over how hurtful and out of the blue that was. For the first couple months I really thought they were just a rude and unkind person. They made a lot of sexist and ableist comments in that same conversation so their fundamental message got hidden under all that. But I slowly started to do more self-reflection, and it made me realize that I think the reason I have no friends right now is because I’m a bad person. Every time I scroll through old messages with friends now, I sound like a bad friend. I used to write for the newspaper in college, and reading them now makes me cringe. But what broke the camel’s back is that I’m supposed to start my job in a week but I still don’t have housing because all of my sublets keep falling through. The last one I had, I got into a disagreement with the person subletting over whether I would buy their furniture along with it, and they said some really nasty stuff to me saying that I was flakey and wasted their time. I thought I was doing the right thing by taking my time to evaluate the housing and not paying for things I don’t need. Although I didn’t experience this with the other sublets falling through, it’s making me realize that I’ve constantly prioritized my own needs and just haven’t given any thought to how I treat people for 24 years. Even though I always *thought* I cared about other people, I don’t think I did really.
This realization is tearing me apart inside. I’m so embarrassed that it took me this long to realize things that other people seem to realize in high school. Especially since I had such a great education: it feels like I didn’t learn what really matters and I basically wasted it. I have no close friends to speak of from my time at a literal Ivy, which should have been my first and largest warning sign. I have very few friends in grad school, most of which are people who do not know me well yet. I’m worried that if it took me this long to be a good person, there’s no way I can make meaningful changes in how I approach people, and it won’t be long before these new friends dislike me and I’ll never be able to make meaningful friendships.
Does anyone have advice on how to deal with these huge and intense feelings of guilt and shame? More importantly, where do I learn how to be a good friend, especially without friends to learn this behavior from?
5 comments
First of all: Congratulations! You’re only 24, you have all your life ahead to change the things in your life you have just discovered!
I would rather ask some questions than giving any advice, but since this is not a chat, I would just start saying that there are lots of things you can start doing to get your thoughts built into good habits.
You don’t sound like a religious person, but there are different kinds of “retreat” processes that can help you get a deep and calm approach to what’s lacking in your life and how you should face it. I know the Catholic ones, but there must be some others you could try.
Also the counseling side of religious communities may help: there on the secular side the coaching process. Finding a relationship coach may help you focus on what you need and how to achieve it.
Related to that… Have you ever been into a relationship? How were they? Just curious about it.
The last but not least advice I’d give you is to volunteer yourself in some helping program inside your community. It has the point of putting yourself directly into the giving process, which is exactly what you’re lacking; and, in the process, you can ask those involved into the ministry to help you letting you note the moments, phases or discussions in which your approach needs healing…
Remember any case that the point is not to make people love you, but to be lovely to people: you should go deep into the roots of why you would want to change those things in life: and the reason is not “because I just discovered people don’t like me”.
Good luck and I’ll stay tuned!
Overall this sounds like a positive thing. Awareness proceeds control, just by acknowledging that this might be a thing you’ve neglected up to now will naturally make you more considerate.
First thing is first, and that’s self-compassion. You sound like someone who compares themselves to other people. It takes one to know one, I think academia brings this side out in people and it’s hard to be successful without a little bit of these tendencies. That said, I also get the impression by your choice of words that part of the embarrassment is that maybe you think “I’m meant to be smarter than this”. That’s okay.
I think that you’re right, most people do learn this sort of thing in high school, but they certainly don’t teach it there. However this slipped under the radar, it’s very normal and human to both neglect certain aspects in your life and then realise suddenly later that they’re important and you’re underdeveloped. Yes, maybe the way you’ve treated people thus far could’ve been better. It’s okay to acknowledge that without the self-flagellation. It’s human to fall short of your ideals.
So where too from here? Decide on your values. You’ve put a lot of stock into where you stand with respect to other people. Instead, just decide what is important to you. Honesty? compassion? it might help to look to see what you admire in other people. When you fall short, and feel like you’ve done something you shouldn’t have, let yourself feel whatever you feel and then turn to your values and decide what the next move would be in regard to them.
Whatever you do, do not make it a competition where you are behind everyone else. OR that you’re bad with respect to everyone else. Forget what’s normal, and when you _should’ve_ learnt something. It won’t help you I promise.
Good luck.
I lost a friend, heck, I thought best friend of over 45 years in 2016. I can say it was political stuff but, if it was, I’d like to think we’d have fixed that by now but he and I have had no type of communication since he took me off Facebook and blocked and stopped answering my calls which I gave up after 2 weeks. I don’t think politics was the only factor. But yeah I was in a similar place as you all of my life. Thought I was a part of a together football backfield, something happened and the 3 of us walked off,quitting. Didn’t talk to the other 2 much after that,come to find out a few days later they were back on the team,left me out, didn’t want me back. I was the fastest person on the team, set track records etc, they just didn’t want me around anymore after 3 years, Jr high. I never got into drugs and such but a lot of the guys I hung around with were. Really wasn’t where I wanted to be seen but….. In school….
Married a couple of times, nearly married about 3 more times. Most were quick start, quick fire, burn out, gone.
If you want a buddy, maybe we can compare war stories or something. Yeah, old man here but maybe I have some useful advice.
You were probably taught to be like this by your family system of origin.
Look up Patrick Teehan on Youtube for starters, to start getting an idea of how your relationships now are connected to how your family behaved while you were growing up. After that, look up John Bradshaw’s family series. F’ing mindblowing.
At some point, get a therapist. Try a few and settle for someone you just like, and who gets you. They will help you understand yourself, and how to get to where you want to be.
I think maybe starting with a therapist would be best for your feelings of guilt and loss. Don’t forget it can take a few tries to find one who you’ll click with.
It’s also important to remmember you’ve got to fuck up to get better at things. Relationships are one of those things. It’s wonderful you’re seeing an issue and working on it. Some poeple go their whole lives without any real growth. And you should be proud of yourself for seeing and acting.
As for learning to be a good friend. Spend time with people you want to emulate. Ask people you admire or see good qualities in for advice. If you’ve got no one, maybe look at characters from books or movies that show traits you desire. Try to find what you admire about them and try to work that in. See if it fits you.
Again don’t be hard on yourself. You’ll never stop learning and people can tell when you’re trying. Good Luck!