My wife and I have talked about the possibility of opening our relationship and dating other people since we first got together. We only consider it because we’re so young and don’t want to have any regrets about missing out on experiences when we’re older. We also have 2 children (I know, I know) which we have been doing a great job taking care of them. I am in the military and i’m my wife stays home and watches the kids. We noticed tensions were high due to my wife’s extremely toxic jealousy over anything she could start an argument over. I would express my concerns about it which led to her coming up with her solution which was to open the relationship so she could learn to not be so jealous. I agreed since i missed going on dates and having spontaneous hookups. We came up with a set of rules and i’ve followed them but she has broken a few of them, none that were too important though. She came home late a few times and added someone on social media without asking me. But the straw that broke the camels back and has been making me regret this whole thing is that last of attention i’m getting. I’m finding myself in my office for hours playing games and planning/budgeting on my computer. I’ve expressed my concerns that this open relationship isn’t helping with our arguing and stress. The only way i can get attention is if we’re arguing. I am constantly asking for conversations, kisses, hugs, sex, movie time, and dates. I get maybe 2 kisses a day and that’s it. She went on 2 dates in 3 days while i stayed home with the kids and all i could get out of her was half a movie. The children aren’t being neglected but I sure am. I’m constantly having to go back to my hole (office) and just be by myself because i can’t stand to be around her while she just hunches over her phone texting other people on dating apps, making plans, but won’t talk to me. I have to ask for a conversation and it results in an argument about how she won’t even talk to me when i’m right next to her. What do I do?
49 comments
Open relationships only work if you are emotional partners. You’re not. I think the only hope of restoring an emotional partnership, at this point, is to stop sleeping with other people and devote quality time to each other.
I can only recommend that you close the relationship and try to be there for each other. If she won’t do that, then your marriage is effectively over.
Why is everyone in the military in such a rush to have kids and get married? Seems like such a bad idea
She’s checked out of this relationship. File for divorce. Sorry to say, but this is a case of being young and dumb. “Only fools rush in”. It’s unfortunate for your children but I do hope that you can both continue to prioritize their well-being. Look there’s just so much more time in your life to be with someone. Take the time to find that right person. But, even before you do that, you have to live your life the way that you would like to live for yourself. Because a relationship can be too restrictive at times (as of current for you both which is why you opened it). It will be difficult with your children, for the both of you. I would suggest equal custody and you each get one dependent on your tax returns. Get Uncle Sam to help you out…. 🤷♂️ Return to your parents if you are able to. (I don’t know what your relationship with your parents are). Not sure if you need a divorce lawyer, or you can possibly just get a mediator if you two can come to an agreement….
Your marriage is over, basically before it’s started. She’s no longer interested in you as a partner. And you sure as hell weren’t interested in her because you wanted hookups.
The two options are to divorce and go your separate ways or grow up, close the marriage and get counseling. However it sounds like she’s having far too much fun with her boyfriends so I’d separate before you end up having to pay child support for a child who’s not yours.
You’re going to get a lot of advice from teenagers in this sub, post in /r/nonmonogamy
You need to close the relationship down. You have far to little experience with each other and in life in general, to have an open relationship. If she doesn’t want to, divorce may be your best option.
This sir is one big reason this open marriage does not work. All couples need weekly check-ins, see how we are doing and how is the marriage. You have clearly Hilton some of the negatives,
Yes you have agreed she can date, or does that mean it’s a real long term relationship? Is it hugs, kissing , holding hands? Are there any boundaries about the sex, if allowed? What people forget when she or you are out dating… this does not really do anything for you as a couple. Does it make you feel closer, safer, more desire for each other…no. All the time you spend dating is time away from you two. Sexually maybe it could charge you up, but can you compartmentalize it, not feel jealous…plus I can’t imagine after the other sex…they want to rush to you to share, bind, get back close and have great sex. Sorry but I as a guy I could not handle kissing her if she is sucking some dude & he comes in her. I would not feel good or free to eat her pussy knowing he has been there, and came there. Plus I do not trust anyone beside my partner. Plus I think you could drift off and desensitize towards your partner, they are not the only one they are concerned with. Also I’m against developing multiple dates & sex times with one partner. I can’t handle her having a bf. Most people find it hard enough to deal with a single relationship, and two or three…is not a high quality situation. Are you going to be attentive and caring and close. And it might seem weird but I could not tolerate my wife to be sleeping over, cuddling with some dude. Also do you have a say in who she is with or what you can do? Can you stop it at anytime? Also dude, if you do not know she will get a lot of new experiences, while you…not so much. Basically I did not decide to live with a gf or wife and then share her with others. Have you thought about it …you might have to hear about how the date went, what they did, etc. Then maybe you see him or meet him, or even worse he is someone you see regularly?.. You are giving away part of you & the couples time, energy, etc. Partners need to be primary and most of the time together. Then you have some that alternate weeks or take vacations with others… no F ing way. Why get married if you want to act like this?
You should get divorced. You never should have gotten married and you are going to be miserable and your children are the ones that are going to suffer.
You shouldn’t have gotten married so young if you wanted to explore other people and relationships. Now you’ve brought two children into the mix. This doesn’t sound like a healthy situation for any of you.
If this is what’s happening at 20 I can’t see it lasting till death do you part. Best to end it now before it gets even uglier.
Reality is open relationship have about a 5% chance if working out successfully. She will have 20 intimate partners to your maybe 1. Is that really something you are willing to tolerate. The relationship is gonna end anyway, so why not talk to her and lay down some strong boundaries. Then you’ll know you tried at least.
How did you think this was going to help your marriage? I’m honestly asking. What positive effect did you think you’d see?
Next time she is on her phone doing whatever, get dressed and leave her with the kids and go out to a club! See if you can get some action and put her jealousy to the test! If she gets pissed tell her it’s time to close the relationship and get counseling.
If you go to her now directly and suggest counseling she will reject it because she is having too much fun! If you threaten her with divorce she may give you one, so don’t threaten unless you mean it!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
You need to close the relationship. Embarking on non-monogamy to fix a marriage is like having a baby for the same reason. It doesn’t do anything but complicate an already fraught situation.
Firstly she’s broken rules. I can’t even imagine how you classify any rule-breaking as ‘small’ when you’re talking about your wife having sex and relationships with others. That’s a major red flag that you’re not ready or able to deal with this. Breaking rules and boundaries , with no consequences, is not only showing her that you don’t care but that she can continue to do it.
Secondly, it simply isn’t working. You’re growing apart. Living dual lives where her partners and the chase is more important than you. It just takes one with an emotional or sexual connection and you’re toast.
This relationship is dying a slow death and you’re now in limbo. Stop looking outside your marriage to fix it or face that you both need to move on.
Marriage, open, the relationship is over…It is toxic behavior for people pledging fidelity for life…It will neve survive this, let it go and start over. Never do it again, and start to put your life together again.
What do you do?
You don’t get married at 20 and then open your marriage up 2 months in. What was even the point of getting married?
You fucked around and found out.
This marriage is done. Try to make better decisions in life moving forward.
Dude your being fucking used. That is why women marry guys in the military from what I have seen. Now as far as your open marriage problem. She’s been checked out of the marriage for quite awhile and just wanted to cheat right under your nose and rub your face in it. She talks to you the way she does because she has no respect for you at all. Is she going to stay home with the kids while you go out and get laid ? Or is she going to freak the fuck out on you when you tell her it’s her turn to stay home ? Tell her you think it’s time to cut your losses and divorce. You are not going to fix this and I don’t even know why you would want to. She sounds toxic and narcissistic as all hell.
By far the stupidest thing you did was opening your marriage when it was already in trouble. I’m pretty sure your marriage is dead but you can try to close the marriage and get some counseling to reconnect with each other. But don’t be surprised when she refuses to give up her side dick.
I guess you need to divorce.
JFC. So, kids, military, cheating, way too young. Couldn’t be more surprised if you hit me with a car.
Your marriage is over. What you decide to do from here will define your ***future*** adulthood.
I have zero experience with open relationships. I did read an article years ago that discussed how women are, on average, more hesitant about agreeing to have one, but that after a few months it’s not uncommon for the man to decide it’s not working out, whereas the women are thoroughly
enjoying themselves. Basically, that a woman has basically an endless supply of willing sexual partners, whereas most men have a thinner selection that series out somewhat of completely after a few months.
You do not sound like great parents. Make the kids your focus, not sex.
20 yo with 2 kids in an open marriage sounds like a lot. Probably more than reddit paygrade lol
Seems likes she enjoying being passed around the whole idea was a mistake to being with, me personally I would never ever allow such a thing a in relationship there’s to much room for error as you can see your right your literally only 20 if you want to keep being hurt and see your “wife” enjoy others and like to see her being passed around then so be it this is far from a relationship let a alone a marriage, man up and leave this relationship and co parent your 20 you’ve got plenty of life ahead, why would you Mary at such a young age
This is bad polyamory.
Everyone’s needs should be being met. If your needs aren’t being met then it isn’t working. You’ll get better information in a poly subreddit.
Are these troll posts or are we actually moving towards that movie ‘idiocracy’?
INFO:
where are the kids while you both are out fucking all kinds and YOU spending…what did you say…..
>I’m finding myself in my office for hours playing games and planning/budgeting on my computer.
You have HOURS to spend on the computer??
WHERE ARE THE KIDS????!?!
she’s checked out and probably was before you opened the marriage……..from what you put tbh sounds like she had opened the marriage before you knew about it! all the classic signs were there. she’s jealous so i can’t see how you thought opening the marriage was a good idea…..just doesn’t make sense.
you need to either close the marriage and go to mc or you need to divorce as this isn’t going to work!
Pull back and start only focusing on yourself and the kids. Don’t worry about what she is doing at all. ( hard I know ). Start the process of healing and moving on and when you’re ready, start dating other women. She will either come back to you fully and you can decide if you still want that, or you can divorce.
You leave. Shouldn’t have gotten married at 20 in the first place. Way too young.
Grab what’s left of your dignity and file for divorce.
Opening up a marriage is always one sided by the partner who has options and most likely already cheated.
Please tell me you are both using multiple forms of birth control each and every time you have sex with anyone, including each other.
I’m monogamous so understand that this is where these comments come from. But I don’t understand why people in open relationships bother to get married. Stay single. Then you can fuck around with as many people as you like. And when the primary relationship goes to shit, like it appears to happen on a regular basis, you can separate and move on with the minimum of hassle.
Sounds like she played you with the whole jealousy thing. She probably already had someone in mind when she suggested the open relationship. Now she gets to get her back blown out by guys that excite her while you get to be the steady provider. Mind you, you didn’t put up too much of a fight so it doesn’t sound like you are that invested in this relationship either. You don’t mention how your side of the open relationship is going.
As I see it you have 3 options.
1. You tell her this isn’t how an open relationship is supposed to work and you ask her to close it again. If she says no you’ll have to decide on option 2 or 3.
2. You decide the relationship has run its course and you split. Depending on how long you’ve been married you may be able to get an annulment. Of course, having children complicates things.
3. You decide to live as roommates. She has her relationships, you have yours, and you coparent the kids. This’ll work until one of you gets feelings for someone else.
Good luck with whatever option you go for.
I find it utterly insane that no one recommends couples therapy to save this obviously once loving relationship. People are sick in the mind, a reflection of our spiritually-destroyed civilisation. Sometimes we have to suffer to enable great goodness, and in this case the children are the greatest of goodness. Instead, people recommend destruction, loss of hope, and abandonment. Extremely and overwhelmingly horrid.
Seems your wife is now single
Open relationships rarely work when it isn’t something established from the beginning. If you have any hope of saving, I’d close it immediately and get couples therapy man. She’s checked out on you and your both just co-parenting at this point. You’ve lost your wife. Communicate that this isn’t working for you and you need to close it and go get marriage counseling. Be prepared to file for divorce if she doesn’t agree.
Hire a smoking hot escort.
Your wife suggested sleeping with other men to help her “get over he jealousy issues”. That’s absolutely insane. That sounds like she was thinking about not being monogamous for a while and caused arguments to get you to agree to what she wanted. Nothing about this story shouts healthy relationship.
I’m sorry to say, that was a wholly predictable outcome.
You don’t fix relationship issues by making everything MORE complicated!
She’s jealous anyway.. and then let you screw whomever you want? Looks like an excuse to nuke the relationship and let her have her cake while judging you. She has no reason to give you affection because she doesnt seem to love you and she can get her affection elsewhere.
I don’t see a way out of this.
Open marriages/relationships. The % of working relationships like this has to be in the single figures.
Someone is always neglected, doesn’t get their “share” and it pushes people to view others as sexual partners and nothing else. Where is the friendship, the actual “relationship” that you build. Sex is hollow and meaningless (you said you missed random hookups.. how old are you?) it takes a while for most people to realise they feel worse after sex than better if there is nothing intimate and personal about it.
I crave love, not sex. When they happen together.. then it’s fireworks for me.
Sorry, I don’t know what to say. What advice are you wanting from this post? That it’s only going to get worse unless you quit screwing around, sit down and have a proper adult conversation about what you both want, whether you love eachother enough to put effort into saving the marriage.
I’m not a jealous person myself, but I could never be in an open relationship. I would feel neglected and my self esteem would take a hit thinking I’m not enough and she would need more elsewhere.
Humblebrag – but I put a LOT into making love to ensure she gets everything she wants and it would be pointless going elsewhere because it just wouldn’t be as good
Selfish disgusting people. Why bring children into such an awful set up . just divorce for their sake, divorce isn’t usually good for kids but it’s better than this bs
Me a single soon turning 30 childless male looking at this 20 year old kid in an open marriage with 2 kids like 😱😱
I don’t understand these phrases “needing of a hookup” “wanting to date again” man, what the f is up with this posts, a lot of them are phrased around those 2 sentences. Basically when you think this, it’s you saying “yeah, i’m fine with my SO/spouse but i’d also like to bang some other chicks while i’m at it. “ This surely will never work in any relationship.. Being in need of a other human being around you means you start to discard the one who was close to you.
You wake up, thank goodness you are only 20 and f
Gtfo
When we say marriage is supposed the sacred, people laugh.
Your marriage is over. Sorry.
I hope you both grow up to understand what marriage is about.
Sounds like u not poly or wanting an open relationship, also have fun telling your children later in life that you both were sleeping around instead of being parents
Pro’tip, don’t get married at 20.
Like seriously, spend more than a fraction of your life as an adult before making these life changing adult decisions.
So you were getting attention, then figured out a way for her to give you less attention, and are now complaining about being neglected 😂😂😂 congratulations you played yourself.
I’m just going to go out on a limb here and guess you may have been neglecting her first…
She got tired of a one-way relationship, and found something else to put her time and attention into, and she started liking the attention YOU never gave her!
Now she’s no longer in love with you and that’s a fact. I don’t care how old you are, if you want to keep a marriage strong you can’t allow a wedge to start growing, you have to keep that bond tight and strong. Once you allow something or someone to squeeze in there, you’ll never get it back.
I agree, best you can do is take this as a hard lesson learned and maybe you’ll do better in your next marriage.
Solving a jealous partner by opening the relationship literally makes no sense at all. Genuine question, why are you guys even together?
**Play stupid games win stupid prizes …**
That was stupid. Why even bother getting married? Open relationships aren’t real relationships