tl;dr I feel like the relationship with my best friend is one sided and it makes me feel awful. I’ve brought this up twice and she hasn’t changed, should I end it?
I’ve had a lot of therapy recently and I realized just how mentally exhausting my relationship with my best friend is.
I don’t doubt she cares about having me in her life, when big events (like a mental health crisis) happen she’ll worry about me and express how she wants me around. When we hang out or call we have a really great time together.
The issue is that I feel insecure in how much she actually cares about me, because she’s never tried to initiate anything except for the time she asked to call (in our 8 years of friendship she asked only once) because she wanted to cry about her boyfriend.
I’ve expressed twice that I felt this way, our only big fight was about this. She express remorse and apologized but never change her behaviour.
For a long time it didn’t bother me as much because she comes from a fucked up family situation, and only had one other close friend (who she drifted apart from around when we met). I thought she just wasn’t good at this. But then she met her first boyfriend a few months ago, and not only did any time we spent together significantly decrease – but I saw how she’s very capable of communicating and making time for him and it really stung and reinforced my insecurities.
I love her and I want her in my life, but I don’t want to beg for a fraction of her attention or care that I’ve already asked for. I know one solution is to bring it up again, let her know how I feel. But I just want to feel like she genuinely cares about me, and giving her an ultimatum wouldn’t really solve that.
The other option is to end things – which makes me sick to my stomach to think about but I also know it’s not normal to cry when I think about our relationship.
I feel like I’m in a lose/lose situation. Nothing will make me happy and nothing is even guaranteed to bring me peace. I don’t know what to do.
2 comments
There is a third option and down grade her from best friend to just a friend who you see casually. No need to cut them completely from your life but also no reason to put best friend energy in when it is clear she does not see you that way.
I think you should ask her , nothing beats communication. You never know what people are dealing with behind doors. Tell her how you feel and listen what she has to say. After that if it doesn’t change , then you will be at peace to find someone better, but if you care about her that much , communicate with her. The grass is only greeen on the other side , a lot of relationships require uncomfortable conversations. It’s okay to express how she is lacking . Sometimes we expect a lot from others and they can’t give it not because they don’t want to but life is hard, and it’s good to know where she stands with you.