Need advice for myself (27F) and boyfriend (38M) and our near future.

We need to change our lifestyle.

Throwaway account, need some advice or maybe just reassurance on where we should go next.

I (27f) have found the love of my life (38m). We met 7 years ago as friends and have been dating for two years now. We both have the interest of a home and family in our upcoming years, have similar interests, love languages, he is amazing to me and I try to be an equally great partner for him.

The issue I am currently having is with our living situation. When we started dating, he was living with his parents and I was renting next to my family, in the same state with a 3 hour drive between us. After a year of dating, my family moved out of state and my lease ended. Boyfriend and his mom offered me to stay with them rent free to save money for a future home. I agreed and have lived here for a little over a year now with them. For context, his mom is retired in her late 60’s, remarried and owns a home. Her Husband is in a wheelchair and she is like a caretaker for him. So my boyfriend helps a bit around the house with his parents. (like if his father in law falls out of his wheelchair, my boyfriend helps him back into it, etc.) His dad is also dependent on him, he is elderly and lives on his own in an apartment while my boyfriend pays for all of his living expenses.

In the time we have lived together here we have saved about $15,000 for our home fund. For a decent home anywhere near his parents, we expect to have to pay $400,000 minimum. My boyfriend has been working in the same company for 10 years and makes about $100,000 a year. I was working in a bank making $40,000, until I encountered a health issue and needed surgery. My boyfriend encouraged me and supported me in working part time and going back to school part time for my vet tech degree.

Living with his mother has brought along problems in our relationship. We rarely have sex, not nearly as much as we would like to because we can only do it when we are home alone. (Maybe once a month?) I am an amazing cook and also help by cooking dinners for the family every other day to help his mom, but we were ordering out at least once a day from grub hub. It’s not that I didn’t want to cook, it’s that his mom will do things like stand in the way while I’m cooking, clean up any mess I’m making while I’m cooking, they also constantly watch Fox News and it’s annoying. His mother also “mothers” me which is the biggest issue for me. She tells me how I need to do things, how I should live my life, and we do not share many opinions. For instance, she hits her granddaughter as punishment which I am very upset by and against, and I know in the future this is something we will butt heads on when her son and I have our own children. I don’t want to cause drama or seem unappreciative because I do live here rent free, but I tend to seclude myself to our bedroom to have at least some privacy. Due to these reasons I limit my interactions downstairs as much as possible. Another thing that’s very hard for me is that I have no family that lives in the state. I only get to see my family once a year, so my boyfriend is my only real emotional support I feel like I have.

I love my boyfriend, and I do believe we will be together for the rest of our lives. I do think it is important to live on our own and be married/engaged before we buy a home, and I want a home before we have kids. I think it’s time I talk to my boyfriend about renting an apartment. There are pros and cons to this however…

I’m not sure how much money we will be able to save for a downpayment on our house. Rent for a one bedroom apartment here is $2,000.00 minimum. He pays about $1,500 a month on his father as it stands.

We would want to stay in the area with his parents. His mom is financially well and told him she has $50,000 to help with a downpayment. This sounds amazing, but I don’t want it to be something held over our heads. I’m not sure if she would, but I would be worried if she’d include any stipulations like the house only be in her sons name etc. (If we got a house it would definitely be in both of our names, this is something I would no ever budge on).

I’m not sure our relationship would survive another year living here together. I crave and need the independence. It feels tense for me feeling “always under MIL’s eye” and this doesn’t feel like home to me. She is never rude to me, I know she means well and I appreciate everything she does. But living with somebody else’s parents is never easy.

I also want to ensure my partner and possible future father of my children is healthily emotionally distanced from his mom. He has only lived away from home once for a few years. She has maintained treating him as a child still for years and I want to ensure he is an independent functioning adult capable of living alone…

I want an apartment also as a test drive of our independence together before we buy a home. I want to sit down and talk with my partner about it soon, but I wanted an outside view. Do you think it is worth the trade off? In one hand we are saving money for our future at the cost of our sanity and freedom. In the other hand, we could have our sanity and freedom with uncertainty in how much we can save… is there anything else I should consider? Thanks for the read!