Background:
I am in a new relationship with a woman I really like. Prior to this relationship I was single for about one year after a very serious prior relationship. My partner was also single for 1+ year(?) prior to our relationship. We get along really well and really enjoy each other, we have talked a lot about how much we want our relationship to work but I am worried our sexual problems will force us to break up.
She has had a fair number of partners and I have had fewer. I don’t like hookups and have only had one while she has had multiple. Neither of us are inexperienced. We feel very sexually compatible as we like the same things and find each other sexy.
The problem:
My partner and I have tried to have sex four times and it just isn’t working. Either she gets dry right before penetration, I lose my erection shortly after penetration or a combo of the two. We have yet to have PIV sex. The foreplay is good so far, she seems happy with it and has told me a few times I’m really good at it. We have tried oral and using our hands and that works well for us. I spoke with my doctor about the ED and he said it’s entirely psychological and not to worry, it will pass once we get comfortable. He prescribed me as-needed Cialis but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I purchased lube to hopefully overcome the sudden-dryness problem and it worked for a few minutes but I pretty quickly lost my erection.
I have stopped looking at porn and stopped masturbating with my hands to hopefully increase my sensitivity and libido. It’s definitely helping but it hasn’t solved the problem.
To make things more confusing for both of us we are both able to get aroused and masturbate alone with basically no trouble at all. The problems start once we are in a room together.
We have talked a lot about why we can’t just fuck already and we both agree that it’s performance anxiety. We both feel really nervous that the other person doesn’t find the other attractive, that the other person won’t like it or that we just aren’t sexually compatible and we shouldn’t be together. Additionally I am nervous that I just am bad at sex and she won’t like what I have to offer. We talked really openly about our insecurities and it seems like everything we were worried about is out in the open and we reassured one another.
In my mind the solution to this was communication. Talk about what makes you anxious with your partner and by letting those emotions out you are able to move past them, especially with some reassurance and support from your partner. However we have done that and things aren’t really improving and I’m not sure why. What are we missing?
I am at a loss. I’ve not been in a situation like this before. I’ve had performance anxiety in the past but after maybe 3 or 4 attempts I was good to go and never really dealt with it again. How do we move past our anxieties and get this to work?
I really like this girl and want this to pan out so badly. I just don’t know what to do.
1 comment
> I’ve had performance anxiety in the past but after maybe 3 or 4 attempts I was good to go and never really dealt with it again.
Imho it will be the same in your current situation, you just will maybe need a few more attempts. 4, 5, 6 or 7 attempts is not that big of a difference.
You probably already do most of these things, but just as a reminder:
Give yourself time, be playful, enjoy yourself and what you already can do. Incorporate self-touching in-front of the other person to get even more comfortable with each other. Try to get out of your mind and into the moment. Drop penetrative sex as a “goal”, rather try to “just let it happen”.