How do get my husband to not hurt me at sex

After 9 years of marriage I finally got him to use lubrication. I cut him off, I tell him what he’s doing to hurt me. I’ve bought books. I’m at a loss. He’s a very sweet man but inexperienced. I’m his 3rd partner, ever, and the first two were less than involved. He’s endowed, which is worse but due to blood pressure medication it doesn’t always stand at attention. When he tries anyway it hurts. When he scrapes his stubble across my chest to bite me way too hard it hurts. When doesn’t pay attention and parks his hands on my hair for the entire time it hurts. I don’t know how to get him to stop it. What is interesting is there are times when he wants it and I don’t so I let him, then it doesn’t hurt, and I get nothing out of it.