Me (31F) and my husband (30M) have been married for a year and have had a history of desire discrepancy when it comes to intimacy. I definitely attempt to initiate sex more often and at this point, I’ve become almost numb to rejection. I do respect when he’s just not in the mood, but I’ve never turned him down during the entirety of our relationship.
I tried to start things up this morning to which he responded saying he didn’t want to get a boner and wasn’t in the mood to do anything today. So I stopped. I left shortly after and when I got to work 10 minutes later I got on the camera in our house to check on our dogs and found him masturbating to porn.
I’ve been open with him about my masturbation habits. He’s always been less open with his, but I trust that he would be honest about a pornography addiction if it were an issue. From what I’ve seen, it’s vanilla compared to the porn I watch and only happens 3-5 times a week. I don’t care about his masturbation habits. I think it’s part of humanity and I know jerking off fulfills a mindless O vs worrying about a partner. This one just hits differently immediately following being turned down.
We’ve had many talks about intimacy and I’ve asked about anything I can do to improve our sex life. I’ll do literally anything. The answer is always “nothing”. I’ve suggested mutual masturbation which he was not into.
How can I bring this up? I don’t want to sound controlling. I didn’t originally intend on spying through the camera, but I feel as though the conversation will be turned back on me for looking more than the first time.
35 comments
I would just be straight up. “I was checking on the dogs at work and happened to see what you were doing.” And explain how it makes you feel. Don’t let him turn it around on you. You have needs and he’s not putting forth any effort.
Has the discrepancy in desire been there all of the relationship?
The problem isn’t that he’s jerking off. But I struggle to understand turning you down so often and then masturbating 3-5 times a week, including just after he has turned you down?
Look. Sometimes a boner is just a boner that needs to go away and it’s faster and easier to just run one out.
Honestly? Show him this post and have a serious discussion about it.
I (29F) had similar issues with my husband (33M) for almost our whole relationship. We met when I was 19 and he was 24. The first year or so was… fine, but he quickly began rejecting me, had such a long list of reasons he wouldn’t want sex, I ended up feeling like there was a 5 minute window a week where I was ‘allowed’ to ask for sex (he couldn’t be too full from eating, too tired, had a bad day at work, morning breath, the list honestly went on and on). We never spoke about our sex life EVER. I resigned myself to just waiting for him to initiate and it completely killed my confidence. We’re now getting divorced and I can see just how wrong the whole situation was. Basically… if you’ve spoken about it and he won’t cooperate, it’s not going to get any better. You’re still really young, you don’t need to resign yourself to a life of bad sex.
Nah I wouldn’t like this at all. It would seriously mess with my head
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You weren’t spying on him. You got on the camera to check the dogs and accidentally saw him jerking off. Don’t let him gaslight you about “spying”.
Time to have a serious conversation with him about why he prefers masturbation to real sex with you. Tell him you feel hurt by his action when he’s not satisfying you. Ask him if he has a porn addiction or he’s no longer attracted to you.
I understand your frustration. I will respond as a guy who have been in the same shoes as your husband. I’ve always seen myself having a high libido when I’m single, but being the one confronted in relationship due to the lack of sex and initiation. It has always been hard to explain to my partners, and I didn’t really know myself. I recently had a female friend tell me about the same issues with her boyfriend, and knowing both of them, I could relate, and it got me thinking a lot.
First off, I want to stress that porn and masturbation isn’t necessarily a replacement to sex. They are very different. But regarding sex, it’s important to keep in mind, that sex can require a lot of energy, nott just physically, but also mentally. This doesn’t mean that sex is necessarily a chore for a man, but it means that there are elements in sex that needs to be accounted for, which aren’t there while he masturbates.
What I noticed in myself in past relationships, is that I have had a lower social battery than they have, and I have often needed recharging. But is sex social? Absolutely. If I’ve had a long day, sex would require me to engage in an activity where I’d have to be in my head about how my partner feels. How much foreplay does she need? Am I being loud enough? Too silent? Do I appear impatient? Does she notice I haven’t trimmed in a while? Do my armpits smell? How much aftercare does she want? Do we need to pillowtalk? Do we have to keep going after my orgasm, when all my testosterone is gone and replaced with hormones that makes me even more tired? While these are thoughts I don’t directly articulate in my head, they are there intuitively, being pulled up as expectation from past encounters. This doesn’t mean sex is a chore, it just means that it might, at the time, require more capacity than I currently have. I can easily have sex without it taking up any energy, but then she would get no foreplay or aftercare, and it would make me feel like shit. Therefore, masturbation is the easy option, it gives relief without spending any mental capacity. It’s a bit like ordering fastfood instead of cooking for other people, where you worry about whether or not they like your food.
As for solutions.. I don’t know what the best solution is. As boring as it might sound, it might be beneficial to plan sex ahead a bit. Is he a pleaser? Maybe he woule be happy to just give you sexual pleasure without him needing anything in return. That definitely works for me. Are you fine with having a quickie with less social or intimate interaction? Of course, these wouldn’t be long term solutions, but, as cliche as it might sound, it could be healthy to communicate about. You said you have tried it, but it could simply be that he doesn’t know it himself. Be supportive in the communication. You don’t want him to get defensive or come up with dishonest excuses.
Just bring it up, that you were checking on the dogs and found him masturbating.
And that you would like him to fuck you instead of watching porn. Honestly my go to assumption here is that he is hooked on porn that is very stimulating and has a hard time getting the same arousel from regular sex. Time for him to test out what happens if he drops porn and masturbation for a few weeks.
If that makes no change i think there are other issues that he ain’t admitting to.
Tbh in this heat we have rn I rather have a wank then cuddle up against my gf
I’m really surprised he would turn down mutual masturbation (although of course anyone can turn down anything at any time), since it ticks many boxes. It fulfills you, it’s an intimate moment together, and you both get release, but without focusing too much on the other if that’s too difficult. It’s something my partner and I deeply enjoy. Is there possibly a mental block, does he find himself unattractive or anything that would make him hesitate to be intimate with you? Because this seems like more than just a desire discrepancy; it seems like he either has hang ups with intimacy, or he doesn’t desire it like you do.
Either way, honestly, a desire discrepancy that has you already “numb” from rejection one year into marriage sounds miserable. A husband who refuses intimacy with you and may never get past that sounds miserable. I know there is much more to him than this, but these are dealbreakers for many people. Make sure you won’t wake up one day and realize they’re dealbreakers for you too.
Thought you didn’t wanna get hard??
masturbation and sex are completely different things, i thinks it’s normal sometimes to just want to jerk off
Men aren’t sex machines, “Hey, I want to have sex só you got to do it”. Euaculating is a byological need, just as going to the restroom. Happens that sometimes we are not in the mood for sex, bit need to cum.
Let’s just get this on the table. Divorce is the extreme! I see so many comments encouraging the extreme, why?
In a relationship or marriage, we must remember that we different people, we going through different things and different stages of life. Sex is very important toward intimacy and a relationship, we should talk about this! Find common ground and love and respect each other. ❤️ Wishing you the best OP without the extremes.
I had a guy doing this and he was cheating on me heavy. He was actually doing this to break my confidence down
If you bring up the camera issue, that conversation will not have a good outcome if he feels your spying on him. I think he’s got a porn addiction and it’s ruined his libido. An old friend had that problem with her husband. She was miserable for years because he would even jerk off right next to her in bed and not ask for sex. You will have to confront him on that. There’s no other way and you’ll have to make him go to therapy to get over it. I used to have a porn addiction. Believe me, it’s not easy to get over. It took years for me to get over my addiction. The thing is you also watch porn. You both have to get over it because it will kill your sex life.
Sorry, but you have cameras in your house positioned in such a way that you can see when your husband masterbates? Why would you put them in intimate areas, or is he doing it in a common space?
Jesus why have you started like 30 topics on this in the last 13 hours?
Honestly just have an affair
Does he enjoy getting you off? Masturbation is one thing – completely self-involved, low effort O. Great! No judgment… it’s self-care.
But.
For a partner you love and care about, most people want them to feel good and they want to communicate those feelings of love and affection through physical touch during sex.
Maybe he was feeling selfish at the moment and no biggie and it was just unfortunate timing.
But, if you two have communication/intimacy issues and this is just a symptom, that is something to see if you can address, with or without help. If not, well… there is probably only one way this has to go if intimacy is important to you.
If he’s not into mutual masturbation or trying to improve sounds like he’s not interested in making it work.
There’s more to this tho cuz why would you need to check on your dogs via camera if someone was home with them? Sounds like you were checking to see if he was masturbating. That’s fine but tells a different story. I’ve been there and we worked through it, but if he’s not working through it With you as a partner then it’s pretty discouraging
Could be stress. Men don’t only masturbate because they’re horny.
I will say that full-on sex first thing in the morning is a much taller order than lazy masturbation alone. He may have had just enough energy for the latter, but not felt up to the larger commitment of trying to satisfy you. Or his mood may have changed after breakfast. But since he has a lower sex drive than you and consistently turns you down, this isn’t an isolated moment and I can see why it would be especially frustrating for you.
You don’t truly become numb to the rejection though, do you? As someone in a 12 year relationship that’s also the one with the higher libido it gets to a point where it starts chipping away at you. Everything has to always be right, and it’s always on you to set it up, initiate it and also make sure both of you have a good time…
It’s one thing when someone has a bad week or a particularly stressful time in life, but when it’s constant it kills the romance and desire burning in you. The intimacy you feel with the other person. And that’s why it hurts when you caught him masturbating.
You’ve only been together for 1 year. Make sure you deal with this now and get him to really pay attention when you say you need this. You can try couples therapy or a sex therapist as well. But if you don’t see movement or energy on their side to try and address this…
Don’t let this tear you down from the inside and lead you to become numb. Life is beautiful and should be worth living. Best of luck OP.
I honestly think you articulated this very well in this post, I’d just ask him why? And to be home honest? Tell him it hurts and the rejection sucks.
With sex there is a lot more involved and it can take a lot more energy than just masturbating by yourself and besides that you can be not in the mood one minute then change your mind.
I am not saying there isn’t a problem but I wouldn’t think of any time the partner with lower sex drive masturbates as a missed opportunity for sex. They are just different things.
He needs to be put in a position where his choices are try or compromise. Therapy would be the healthiest way, but he needs an ultimatum or else you will just have to accept not having sex for the rest of your life. He apparently does not care enough about your needs to make any effort, so why do you want to be with someone like that? You say divorce and cheating are not options, but how far are you prepared to let this go on? It will not get magically better unless he starts to give a fuck and ACTIVELY tries to fix himself.
That’s a red flag. He doesn’t like you anymore
He’s told you his value over and over again with his actions.
He prefers wanking, especially when it’s convenient when he’s feeling horny and only for himself.
Sex *is work*. You have to dedicate time and energy to it, you have to figure out what your partner likes and there’s a performative aspect to sex too (risk of disappointing your partner). Also it involves all that pesky discipline and abstaining from quick easy pleasure!
Why bother with all that *communication* and *exertion* when you can just fire one off for yourself in 5mins and not think about any of that?
People who value sex don’t make having sex with them feel like a negotiation. They want it too. There wouldn’t be all this begging and pleading in the first place.
There is no magic sequence of words that will change him. He’s told you who he is over and over. The real question is, do you accept a life like this?
> I got on the camera in our house to check on our dogs and found him masturbating to porn.
Suuuuuuuuurree. Definitely not snooping.
> How can I bring this up?
“I don’t feel wanted/desired and that hurts. I want you to show some form of desire for me. To put in an effort.”
He needs to put in effort in a way that you appreciate. If he has desire for you, then he’ll think of something. But if he doesn’t then you have bigger problems.
> I’ve asked about anything I can do to improve our sex life.
The problem is that a relationship takes 2, not just you. Communication only works if he has desire.
You know what’s worse than being alone? Being with someone that makes you feel lonely.
I love beef but sometimes I want lamb.
Has your body type changed since getting together? I’m wondering if the stresses of life and work coupled with the challenges of married life may have caused a significant change to your health and body image or even his health or body image for that matter. And I think there’s a certain charm to it if you can subtley seduce him and make him think he is the one initiating. Subtle seduction can include slight changes in clothes, making certain poses or posture that can help show off curves more. Or maybe he wants the complete opposite. Are you familiar with what floats his boat?
I don’t have any sympathy for guys who would rather jerk to porn rather than fucking their wives or girlfriends especially when the wife/gf initiate. Plenty of guys out there who would be happy to rail them and meet their needs