I discovered the concept of free use about a year ago. It’s something that speaks to me because I get to shut my brain off and have my bf control me which makes me feel satisfied. I’ve brought up having him use me for a whole day and he seems into it but never takes steps to make it happen. There are days where I will ask him to “use me today,” and he’ll say yes but won’t do it. Any advice for how to make free use happen? It also seems like we’ll engage in one sexual activity and he’ll be done for the day but I want free use to be a whole day of sensuality.
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Sounds to me he actually *isn’t* into the idea but he’s either saying yes because he thinks it’s what you want to hear *or* because he’s nervous about pulling this off. Could be a performance anxiety concern, for example.
I’d talk with him again to try to figure out what’s up.
There’s something a bit ironic/circular about trying to **make** someone dominate you! (Free use as you envision it being, of course, an aspect of male>female domination.)
You need a non-blaming, non-confrontational, gentle, open discussion about this. Perhaps he’s actually not into it at all. In which case you may be mismatched as a couple.
Perhaps he’s using you as much as he wants to, I mean, he’s not a sex toy 🤷
Consent goes both ways, imagine if he was trying to convince you to be free use?
Naked. Or just some hot panties on. Half shirt with no bra. New design above the buried treasure. Baby oil.
Don’t let him or ask him not to cum during the activity. This will keep him hot and horny. Hard to do but so fun.
He probably doesn’t want you to feel degraded. You need to explain to him how it would be pleasing to you.
Either he’s not into it as someone here mentioned, or maybe you’ve pushed too hard (for him to say yes forcibly?)
May I suggest you start small? Give him an hour of free-use and see how that goes. Or share with him what specifically within free-use do you enjoy experiencing the most?
Good luck, OP!
You put the invitation on the table. If he wanted to, he would. He doesn’t want to.
“Free use” is actually a lot of work for a partner who isn’t into it. You might be thinking of course he’s into it because he’s a guy and guys always want sex, but that isn’t true. Guys have all sorts of sex drives and comfort levels, and clearly your BF isn’t a “free use” kind of guy, and that’s ok.
You have two choices here:
1. You can drop it. You both know the offer is on the table. If he wants to take it, he will.
2. You can tell him that “free use day” is something that you would like him to do for you. Tell him that you recognize that it is a lot of effort on his part, but see if he’d be willing to indulge you once to see how it goes. Maybe a day is too much. Maybe it needs to be an afternoon or the length of a movie or whatever. And be willing to accept that he may have a refractory period, and he may not want to fuck twice in the same day, and that’s ok too. You have to accept that this is about your pleasure in being used/turning your brain off, and not his pleasure in using you, because that’s not this thing. It’s yours.
It sounds like you need a stricter ruleset. I know that sounds weird, but you have no idea how paralyzing the idea of going too far is for a man that actually cares about you. Having rules in place- safe words, signal clothing, stoplight system, etc- make it *much* easier for a timid guy to safely and comfortably fall into a more dominant role.
Never heard this name before but why agree if your not gonna do it.
He needs to take charge and satisfy your needs. Maybe PUSH him to do it more.
Sounds like he isn’t into it? Ask him?
When you say you want a whole day of sensuality for free use, what does that look like for you? I for one would not be able to keep up a show all day, esp when feeling pressured.
Maybe be more specific? Something like “today you can fuck me any way you want with these toys”. Give him a specific angle of action, maybe?
I think if you want something specific done to you, then it’s not exactly free-use, is it?
Maybe just tell him what you’d like and make a special day of it?
Here’s the thing about free-use. It assumes that your partner *wants* to do things that he wouldn’t normally. Maybe he’s good with how things are? Alternatively, a lot of guys are uncomfortable “using” a woman, as it is many young guys feel awful being controlling to a female partner, and do everything possible to avoid feeling like a selfish sex fiend, and don’t even feel very attractive or desirable enough to have the free-use experience enjoyable for their partner. Self-esteem has a lot to do with this, and most guys aren’t going to talk about their hesitancy to engage in their desires and wants, as it’s “unmanly” to feel insecure, and guys tend to just avoid the topic.
For me, I have a lot of anxiety and depression issues so I hate, hate, *hate* when people do things for me. If I was given a free-use ticket or have my wishes granted, I would just want people to just feel content without me having to work for it. I would probably just ask my partner to get as much sleep as she needs and see what else she needs.
I have an anxious, intrusive mind that tells me a lot of unpleasant things about myself when I’m having intimacy with my partner, so the only way past that is her enthusiasm and initiative. So maybe provide him with suggestions or a plan for what you like, or offer more reassurance that you really want him to do whatever he wants, that it’s enjoyable for you and you want to learn more about what he wants.
He doesn’t want to do it. His actions are telling you this. I’d stop pushing him on it.
Perhaps he’s afraid to cross any boundaries, having a conversation about it, and experimenting slowly may help.
The most important thing is having a safe word, and an in depth discussion beforehand about boundaries and what consent means to *each* of you.
Just allow him to become comfortable with the idea, and respect his ability to be uncomfortable.
Don’t force him to do anything he’s not comfortable with, and allow him to get used to the idea.
Good luck!
Yall really forget about enthusiastic consent?
Sounds like hea not consenting to that….and tbh that should be that, the same way if you didn’t consent to something
Your most men’s dream!
Either it’s not clear to him, or he’s not into it. I’m very into the concept and have had multiple dynamics that included it, but I don’t think it’s super common in the vanilla world. You can warm someone up to some kinks, but ultimately unless there’s a common interest, you’re likely to be left unsatisfied over time. Only you can decide how important this is to you and balance it against the positives of your relationship.
It doesn’t sound like you want free use. In free use, HE decides when to have sex.
What you want is to have rough sex all day. Maybe lead with that instead.
You can’t start a consent non-consent so casually. It’s a risk for both of you if you have never communicated about it seriously. If you really want it, talk with him about all kinds of scenarios, such as when and how to quit the scene when you don’t feel like it. Also, guys don’t do this unless you have talked about it throughly especially all the consent issues that will surely involved in this kind of behaviors.
Lol imagine if a guy posted “gf won’t engage in free use”
Maybe gauge how interested he really is in free use by suggesting a relatively simple scenario, such as:
“I think was thinking it might be exciting if you were to surprise me by waking me up with your morning wood. Would you be open to that?”
If he isn’t enthusiastic or doesn’t act upon the suggestion, then maybe CNC just isn’t his vibe.
“Use me for a whole day” is not helpful. Engaging in this kind of kink takes a lot more planning and communication.
You need to discuss your expectations, your boundaries, your fantasy scenarios, your aftercare needs. You need to come up with a safeword, and a safe signal if your mouth is covered or you’re unable to speak.
But also. He may just not be into it. Being the dominant is a big responsibility, and takes a lot of energy and commitment; maybe that’s just not his thing.
You can do it in an indicative way. Let’s say you tell him that the days you wear a purple scrunchie on your hand, he can free use you. This will internally give him the consent he needs from you instead of contemplating what if you’re not in the mood or he’s going too far.
You wrote:
“…but I want free use to be a whole day of sensuality.”
Then you have expectations how you are being used and how long.
If he is really free to use you as he likes than he can also choose to not use you, right?
Maybe he is willing to use you as he likes if you let go of your expectations?
You have 2 options. First is work with him and second is find a FWB that is into that
I know how much hate I might get for option 2, but realistically you can’t induce libido, it’s either there or not.