I (28F) is getting married to my fiancée (29M) in August. I have mostly everything for the wedding planned out and I’m super excited. Recently though I’ve been having a debate on whose going to walk me down the aisle that day. My original plan was to have my Step-father (51M,who has been in my life since I was 8 years old) to walk me down since he’s been in my life for so long and earned the title of a father to me. He’s been there through most of my ups and downs in life and I wanted him to have a special role in my wedding.
My biological father (52M) hadn’t been in my life for long, the reason my parents divorced was because he had an affair and left after his affair partner had gotten pregnant. He had just recently came back into my life a few months ago after losing my half-sister from an illness. My biological father learned about the plan for my wedding and asked why couldn’t he walk me down the aisle since he was “real” dad. I had told him that it was always the plan for my step-father to walk me down the aisle before we even started to speak again. He told me that I can always “change the plan” and he wanted a chance to walk his daughter down the aisle since it was a one time opportunity for him. He sent told me all of this in a long text.
I told him I needed some time to think about things and I’ll let him know. I feel awful right now. I know this would be my dad’s only chance of walking his daughter down the aisle since he lost my half-sister but at the same time my dad has just now come back into my life unlike my step-father who has been with me for years. I really don’t know what to do.
What do I exactly tell my father about walking me down the aisle?
39 comments
Definitely your step dad. Your dad just doesn’t get to come in and get the benefits! He didn’t raise you and seems like he only come back because off the loss of your half-sister. He should be happy that your step dad was around, and he deserves to walk you.
Your dad is defo the AH, not you. Sounds like a toddler asking why can’t they have sweets.
Only you, can make the decision. I definitely wouldn’t take it away from your step dad, it will be a kick in the teeth for him. Your dads a deadbeat. ANY man that won’t raise one child but will another doesn’t even deserve the title dad.
You don’t need the streets before your wedding.
Your STEP DAD COMES FIRST – literally because he has been there for you. It goes to people who are important and your Dad is NOT ONE OF THEM.
Why would you give such honor to someone who ditched you when you were young. He should have thought of that before he left after dumping the pregnant AP. He doesn’t deserve it.
Put him in his position which is well below in the priority list. At least he’s invited to your wedding. He shouldn’t really even be invited.
Your bio dad was not there for you. Your step dad is your dad. He’s the one who loves you and took care of you. He should be the one who merits the honour.
would your bio dad be around if his daughter hasn’t died. He seems selfish just thinking about what he’ ll miss because the other daughter isn’t there but he’s not thinking what he did to you or what the other man did for you.
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you tell him “step father is walking me down the aisle.” You don’t explain it or defend your choice. You don’t expand.
Ask him where would you be if half sister was still alive? Would he even be in your life right now? You’re not his backup plan!
It’s your wedding and your choice!
I wouldn’t usually say a Step parent before a bio parent, except in circumstances like this. Your bio father basically abandoned you for his replacement family. This is a harsh question, but do you think if your half sister was still alive that your bio father would be back in your life right now? I don’t think he has done anything for you in around 20 years that makes him deserving of the title father, whereas your stepfather does deserve that title and the honour of walking you down the aisle.
He’s lucky to be invited to the wedding
Step dad is your real dad in all this, my step dad walked me down the isle, and he told me afterwards how much it meant the world to him, it was also nice as before the wedding it was just us two on the way there and it was so nice to talk about our life and have time together.
It’s not your job to bare the loss of his other daughter he made a choice to not be in your life all the years he was busy with his other family and is he only back now his other daughter has passed away so he’s present because of his guilt
Your step dad has always been there as you said. Why you wanting to change your mind for an absence father. Who now demands his right
Do what’s going to bring you the most joy on your day
Hope you and your fiancé have a beautiful wedding
Have your actual dad (step dad) walk you down the isle and your father (bio) as a guest. He is only back in your life because his daughter died, you are his do over and are a stand in for the daughter he lost. He would not be in your life if circumstances were different. He has not earned the privilege of walking you down the isle because he was a dad in title only and wasn’t there for you. He is lucky you are even speaking to him after he disposed of you, he should be thankful he is even attending your wedding. Your father chose his new family over you, you need to choose your family over him. You could maybe do a father-daughter dance with both men but that’s as far as you should go.
‘Real’ dad? That’s your stepfather. Your stepfather RAISED you! If your biological father can’t handle the fact that he lost both of his daughters (one from death and one from being absent) then he shouldn’t go. Be firm with him and tell him that your stepfather raised you so he will be walking with you.
You know your real dad abandoned you. Your step father stepped in, married your mother and honored his vows. He raised you and loved you as his own. Are you really going to disrespect him like that ? Are you going to truly betray the man that loves you unconditionally ? If you want some deadbeat to walk you down the isle go ahead, but know you are truly walking over someone who loves you and throwing them away because of some validation you need from a man who didn’t care about you till his prized horse died.
Your dad doesnt get to treat you like a back up daughter.
You shouldn’t feel awful- your father left you. He replaced you with a different child he has since lost. That’s terrible for him, but none of it is on you.
If he wants to be in your life he needs to 1). not guilt trip you about his needs 2). respect your wishes.
Keep it short & simple
*Dad, I have thought over your request. While I am glad you are back in my life now as an adult, from childhood on Stepdad raised me. Out of love and respect for what stepdad did for me- I have chosen him to walk me down the aisle. I am very glad you will be there on my wedding day too, and grateful we now get to reconnect.*
He sends another long text, don’t engage.
So your real dad left you for your half sister and only came back cause she died. It’s a no brainer your step dad. He has been there for you the majority of your life. Your bio dad was only a sperm donor.
Choose the dad who stepped up! Your stepdad
Had your half sister still been alive your bio dad wouldn’t have reached out to you. You are his second choice. Don’t make him your first – especially since you already have a father who made you a priority for majority of your life. Cause if you do choose your bio father there’s a good chance you’ll lose your step father in the process.
My kindest response would be telling your bio dad “I choose to have step father walk me down aisle. He may not be my biological father but he been a real father to me for over 20 years. He deserves the recognition.”
My honest response would be telling him “*MY* real father is step father. He been the a sole father figure for majority of my life because you left me behind. If you want to have a relationship with me now – great. But I will NOT sacrifice my relationship with step-father just because you feel like being my dad now.”
Anyone can be a father, only one was your dad OP.
If you want your dad to walk you down the aisle, it’s your day and your choice, bio sperm donor will just have to suck it up and accept it
Hate to say it.. but I’d bet a lot of money that your “father” only reconnected because your half-sister died.
Being a father is something that is earned not just by DNA but also by providing for a child physically, emotionally, financially, and so forth. Let’s be honest.. if your sister was still around, he would still be living his new life without giving a damn about you.
Your step-dad is your father. Your “father” doesn’t deserve you.. go and live your life with your partner and those who genuinely love and support you.
*it was a one time opportunity for him*
It was also a one-time opportunity for him to take care of his daughter, but he didn’t take the chance.
You tell him that while you are glad to be work on having a relationship with him, that the moment he left you as a child is the moment he lost the right to even ask to walk you down the aisle.
That while he is welcome at your wedding, any role he has in it is what you decide, and if he cannot accept that, then he will no longer be welcome at the wedding.
I think you answered the question yourself when you said your step dad “earned the title father” to you. Whereas your bio dad is just claiming something due to donating sperm…
I vote step dad. Sounds like he raised you.
Oh god. Why are you even asking. Your step father was your real dad. If he was a good dad to you it would be a terrible betrayal to choose the dad who ditched you.
I would tell your biological dad that your stepfather will be giving you away. He raised you and he takes priority in this situation.
Your biological dad will have to live with the consequence of his actions.
There is not much to think about.
Ur step dad is ur realmdad who been part of life and made u the person are today.
If he has fulfilled his responsibility as a father than he is number one. He should definitely walk undown aisle. Be happy and proud with ur step down beside u.
Ur biological dad is not Ur real dad he banded u , ignore his responsibilities and is virtual stranger whom u are under no obligation to invite to ur wedding. In fact I should not invite him as he neglected u.
He has no right to expect invitation.
I or many would certainly not invite him to my wedding.
If he is upset so be it. Well he was not upset when he neglected u since age of 8.
Your stepdad chose you and raised you while your bio dad abandoned you. Why is this even a question? If you choose your bio dad to even share the aisle, you might as well just spit in your stepdad’s face
Who means more to you? Who could you depend on in a worst-case scenario? That is the one who should do it.
Please pick your step dad, I’m sure that will hurt him so much. He raised you you’re whole life and that still won’t be enough to view him as your Dad. Real dad wouldn’t even be here if your half sister hadn’t died.. he’s just a sperm donor.. I feel so sorry for your step dad if you don’t pick him
Just imagine how hurt your stepfather would be if you changed the plan. He raised you, he was there for you. Don’t listen to your biological dad just because he complains the loudest.
It sounds like he only rekindled the relationship because he wants to sure up his hospice care plan. You don’t owe him the walk down the aisle. He owes you to make up for literally abandoning you. It would be the right thing to let your stepdad (the real dad) walk you down the aisle. He was the one who helped you get to the point that he can “hand” his daughter off to her husband. Your bio dad can be a guest. And if he doesn’t understand then he’s only proving that he only cares about himself (he left his child for the homewrecker) and not you.
Don’t let him guilt you. He’s claiming you as a daughter because he lost your half sister. If it wasn’t for his own selfish needs, he wouldn’t have reached out. Don’t let him get away with the real dad crap, he isn’t a dad to you. He was willing to let your step dad do all the work. Imagine if your step dad never showed up and took care of you. Your step dad earned to walk you down the aisle, you bio dad didn’t.
Look dad, I’m sorry you lost your daughter. And I’m sorry that you won’t be able to walk her down the isle, but you haven’t been in my life, step dad has. It’s great that you have come back and I would love to build our relationship together, but I do t really even know you. Coming in an manipulating or demanding that you have something at my wedding is not a good way to start. I would like to honor and have something special for you that day but I don’t know what it is yet. Maybe we can think of something together, but you will not be walking me down the isle. I hope this doesn’t cause drama or any bad behavior because if it does or you keep pressuring me than you won’t be invited at all. It is my wedding so it is my choice. Let work on building our relationship. This is not how we are going to build this together. Stepdad has earned this right.
Maybe have your fiancé there as support. I suggest telling him this is person.
Also this about the father daughter dance-he is going to pull the same shit. Remind him why it’s your step father and work on something special to honor him for coming back into your life.
Actions have consequences.
If her still tries to manipulate you cut him off. He will be showing you his true intentions. That you were a backup plan. If he’s reasonable, then he has good intentions and you can build a relationship.
Right now he’s technically a stranger. Strangers don’t walk brindles down the isle.
Personally, I would go with the stepfather. Being biologically connected have zero to do with who was there for you, raised you and didn’t walk away
Adopted by my step dad as a kid, similar story. Don’t confuse FAMILY with RELATIVES. Family chooses you, every day, all day. Relatives are related. Your step dad is your family. Don’t ruin the best moment of your life because of manipulation from a relative. Also, wishing you a happy marriage 🙂
Making a baby is just biology. Any two idiots can do it. It takes a special person to be an actual parent and raise their children right. That man was your stepdad. He is your real dad. You would be doing him a huge disservice by letting your biological father walk in his place.
It’s only been a few months since you’ve had contact and you all of a sudden have value now that you’re his only daughter. It isn’t his place. You know that.
He wouldn’t care if your stepsister hadn’t passed. Not about walking you down the aisle and maybe not about being in your life.
This is your wedding. Him coming back around after his loss doesn’t make him suddenly a father.
I would stick with the plan.
Just tell him that he already lost a lot of your important moments, where the role of a father was required, that one more wouldn’t change anything.
Don’t choose to ruin your relationship with the father that was always there, for a father who choose to not be.
I think it would be disrespectful in the extreme to disregard the man who raised you in favor of the man who sired you and took no interest til his other daughter died.
What has your bio father done other than contribute sperm? For 20 years, where was he?
>My original plan was to have my Step-father (51M,who has been in my life since I was 8 years old) to walk me down since he’s been in my life for so long and earned the title of a father to me. He’s been there through most of my ups and downs in life and I wanted him to have a special role in my wedding.
Keep the plan. He had been there. It’s only respectful to honor his commitment to you.
>He had just recently came back into my life a few months ago after losing my half-sister from an illness
So you were his back up child. He wants you to pretend that he was instrumental in you being who are today. He wants to dishonor the commitment of your stepfather who was there when he should have been because he lost that opportunity with his chosen child.
>he was “real” dad
Your stepfather has been your real dad. He is your sperm donor. Real dad is the one who has been there for you for the last 20 years. The one who sacrificed and loved you when you needed it. It’s not the one who is using you as back-up or fill-in.
>he wanted a chance to walk his daughter down the aisle since it was a one time opportunity for him.
Where was he when you needed him. That was his opportunity to be there when it counted.
You don’t owe him the fantasy of him being significant in your life.
Honor the one who honored you.