I grew up in a home where my dad was pretty violent. Physically and verbally. He was in the military and unfortunately that transferred over into our upbringing. He’d throw things, kick things, hit me, throw me to the ground and repeatedly kick and punch until he calmed down. He did these kinds of things when I’d misbehave. He never just did it out of nowhere. Anyway, fast forward.
I married a wonderful man. He’s respectful, kind, adores me and is fun. We’ve been married for 2 years but we’ve been together for 6 years. When my husband gets upset, he raises his voice, criticizes me and makes me feel like the dumbest person on earth. He can be condescending and patronizing. I’ve spoken to him about this and he has worked on it and has actually improved however, when we’re under high stress situations he’s still very snappy and can be rude. I get it, it’s high stress but I promised little me that I’d never get the treatment from my spouse that my dad gave me and unfortunately I feel like my husband resembles my dad in the way he speaks to me and I do not like it. I’m constantly anxious around him and especially in high stress situations because I feel like if I make a wrong move or ask a stupid question he will get upset at me and become angry and pissed off. His tone is also pretty awful. He’s become snappy and angry at me in front of people and it’s so humiliating and embarrassing. He doesn’t seem to understand how embarrassing it is to see other people look at me like “wow he speaks to her that way?” I know part of it is my fault because I came with baggage and I automatically assume the worst and am anxious in high stress situations because of my dad but I also feel like my husband made me this way because of how he has reacted in the past.
Also. I’ve never had anxiety like I do now until I met him and was around him. I’ve also never been diagnosed with any kind of anxiety. Now I’m anxious constantly and I’m emotionally drained. I’ve seen it affect me. I no longer want to be around him. I’m at complete peace when I’m alone. I’m happier along and when he gets home from work my anxiety shoots up. I love him very much and I really want this to work out. I do have friends and family I can talk to this about but I rather not because I don’t want anyone I know to see him under a negative light. Any advice as to what I should do?! Or how we can work this out?
(Sorry if my English isn’t the best, it’s not my primary language)
Edit: we do have 2 kids together. And thinking about not seeing my kids everyday breaks me. They jump for joy every time they see me walk into their room. One is 2 and the other 7 months. They also LOVE their dad. I would hate to be the reason they’re unhappy if I left. Also, I only make $50k and I’m just worried I wouldn’t be able to provide for them.
9 comments
First off, its not your baggage but his lack of respect for you that is the problem. You need to tell him that his way of sorting out stress is unacceptable. Either he fixes himself or you are walking out.
You already know you don’t want to be with this man. X
It sounds like you have PTSD from childhood trauma. From your description I can’t tell if he just needs to do more work on his speech patterns and you need to work on your PTSD or if he is really abusive and you need to end it. Are you getting therapy? https://crappychildhoodfairy.com/2019/04/25/did-childhood-ptsd-teach-you-to-fit-yourself-to-crap/
I’m so sorry. But if you have anxiety, it’s not some disorder that is your inner soul telling you something is not right. Pay attention to it. It’s there for a reason. There are a lot of different ways to tackle this issue. The first is couples therapy. But even before that what will help the most is you validating your feelings, and believing that what you are asking for is not too much. Because it is not! I don’t know your situation, but you don’t need to be afraid of him. It seems like he is controlling your whole dynamic. Take charge.
I think you would benefit from some personal counseling to help you deal with the trauma from your upbringing. You went through something that is really hard and honestly is above Reddit advice paygrade. A therapist can help you unpack all of that and help teach you how to teach others how to treat you.
My mom used to say, “people treat you how you allow them to treat you”. Meaning as an adult you have control over the behavior you find acceptable and unacceptable from others. She taught me that if I am ever spoken to in a way I find disrespectful I should take a moment to breathe. Remember my worth. Then calmly state. “The way you are speaking to me is disrespectful and I will not continue this conversation until we can both communicate with respect.’ Then wait. If they apologize and continue respectfully then the conversation can continue. If they continue to be disrespectful then leave the area. Do not engage further. Simply walk away. Only respectfully people get the honor of communicating with you.
Your husband knows what he’s doing. He probably enjoys your fear when screams at you. It’s the only way he gets to feel power in his life. You should probably start packing your bags quietly and move out. Don’t tell him you’re leaving or where you’re going. Don’t come back no matter how much he tells you he’ll change. Don’t go to pick up the rest of your things. Say goodbye to them or get someone else to do it. Men that act this aggressively to you – it’s not a big step toward violence.
He feels entitled to treat you this way. He could choose not to lash out at you and put you down when stressed, but he chooses not to do that. I am willing to bet he’s able to be considerate to others when under stress and control himself. He thinks it’s ok to take it out on you and will continue to do so. Think about that. His behavior is NOT your fault.
This is important to me and worth respecting: “I no longer want to be around him. I’m at complete peace when I’m alone. I’m happier along and when he gets home from work my anxiety shoots up.” Your anxiety is trying to tell you something important. Anxiety can develop in response to stress and your body knowing that you are not safe. Your husband has not been physically violent with you based on what you share here, but he *is* verbally abusive. He is emotionally abusing you. The way he speaks to you when he is upset, and in front of other people, is disrespectful and cruel.
Abuse comes in many forms. Couples counselors are not good at identifying abuse in relationships. I recommend seeing a therapist alone if you are able to, and sharing with them what you have shared here. They can help you decide what to do next.
Please know that a loving husband would not make you feel like this. You do not deserve to be spoken to like this. You are not difficult because you were abused as a child. You do not have “baggage.” Your husband is unkind, and you are unhappy and afraid when you are around him. You do not deserve to live like this.
Sending you love.
Respectfully, a man cannot be “wonderful, respectful, and kind” while doing the things you say he is only one sentence later.