I (18M) have been a gamer for around 5 years with some half a year pauses. My girlfriend (18F) has been with me for 9 months and she wants to break up with me if I dont give up gaming. Context is she is my first relationship, she means the world to me. I was addicted to p\*rn in the first 3-4 months of our relationship when I finally gave up on it. I promised I would give up on it but never told her it would take a while. It was pretty hard to give up on it but after around 2 months of „this is the last time I watch it” and „only this once” and „once more and tomorrow I give up” I finally did. In these 2 months I have watched p\*rn quite often and even played a p\*rn game. She was devastated and it took some time to repair what I did and I dont think I completely repaired it yet.
She says she doesnt want to be together with someone addicted, we solved her addictions, some of mine but I dont think gaming is an addiction right now(I normally play from 0-5 hours and when my mood is horrible , which is once a week or once every 2 weeks i paly around 7). I always hang out with her, there is no week in which we dont hang out or have quality time, we always talk and solve problems, I dont neglect her anymore (I did it until she told me that I was neglecting her, and then I changed that) but I just dont want to give up on this piece of myself. Next year im going to have bigger priorities (getting ready for college etc.) so I wont game for some time. This summer I want to play since i wont do it for some time till I get my life together. I consider it a hobby since I have days I dont game, when I do I play for a few hours or I do it a lot depending on my mood. Gaming is the thing I did when I was smaller whenever I had problems, when I was mad or was depressed, probably to ignore them. She says she is anxious whenever I game, connecting it to p\*rn, she has also been cheated on on discord with another partner in a previous relationship.
Edit: I only have 2 more hobbies(books and motorcycles) which dont take much of my time so most of the time I am alone I just dont have anything to do.
TL/DR: my girlfriend connects gaming to p\*rn and cheating, she also thinks that it is an addiction but I dont want to give up this part of myself yet.
I dont feel accepted since gaming is a part of me, should we break up or should I commit?
Should I ask for a pause in our relationship?
Or is my thinking too childish and I need to grow up and give up on it?
3 comments
There’s some missing info here. How often are you gaming? Do you have other hobbies? You told her you’d give up porn and then went back on your word, so of course she’s not going to be trusting.
I have some feelings like this in regards to my partner as well, though I think it’s gotten better due to him being busy with a job.
Gaming can be an addiction, especially if you used it to replace your problems or other addictions. And typically those who have such addiction end up looking the piece too, and that’s not attractive. I think this is what your girlfriend is feeling; that steady fall into that mindset, since she already knows that you’ve fallen before.
I know it’s probably lame advice but seeing that you both are so young and you’ve already gotten (mostly) over your past addiction, I’d consider you and her talk about it some more. I’ve learned that you must always work as a team and figure something out that works in the middle, and always, or try to, be open minded.
Both the things mentioned in your post (porn and gaming) can develop into unhealthy lifestyles through over use. You’ve recognized that you watched to much porn and worked on it, good on you. Your quote of 3-4 hours gaming sounds high, but I don’t know the rest of your life. What I’m getting at is you shpuldn’t let the other parts of your life go ignored in favor of porn and gaming, but I think you realize that.
I see a red flag when somebody just says “you need to stop doing X” but doesn’t provide a real reason. Why does she want you to stop lookong at porn and gaming? If you’re still maintaining the other aspects of your life in healthy portions why does she get to dictate what you do woth your free time?
Find out why she wants you to quit. My first girlfriend HATED that I gamed, even if I did it when she wasn’t around. Ironically, she also wanted me to give up porn. We fought about both a lot because no amount of sacrifice was ever enough for her, and once she made me give up one thing she just started pushing me to give up another. There were multiple hobbies I gave up, Magic (you could spend that on us), friendships (I’m not going and if you want to see me this weekend you won’t either), etc.
You need to find out why she wants you to stop gaming and then determine for yourself if it’s a reasonable ask or not. Demanding people change without solid reasoning is a huge red flag in a relationship, and “solid reasoning” is different from person to person.
Do you have any trusted adults or family members who know you a bit better you could discuss this with? They would better be able to discuss this with you because they will better identify if you’re actually going down an unhealthy path or not.
Also people might criticize you for gaming for 4 hours every day but they’ll turn around and endlessly scroll tiktok or rewatch episodes of their favorite show. You have a roght to waste your free time how you want to, as long as you keep the rest in check.
Opinion: Girlfriend is some level of attention seeking or insecure and is making you give things up to justify herself.