I broke up a near perfect relationship recently and this issue in my head is preventing me from getting into another and trying to stick it out with 1 partner.
I think most men stay faithful for 3 reasons:
A)They dont have an abundance in oppurtunties with women and settle for whoever chooses them first.
B) There are societal consequences for not being faithful, and they don’t want to be ostracized.
C) They have relegious guilt. Fear of hell, God, etc, keeps them on the straight and narrow
I find it very difficult to control myself cause I realize my morality around this issue is based entirely on these three things. I don’t have the oppurtunities, I fear societal repercussions and I have relegious guilt.
If I was someome who was able to supercede these 3 reasons (I.e. Be highly desirable, rich enough to escape social consequences, nonrelegious upbringing) like a rich chinese celebrity or something I don’t know how I’d control myself. I realize my moral conscious and impusle contril isn’t strong enough to act in a right way without a carrot and stick incentive.
However this probably isn’t a good way to live and I must learn to control it. From what ive seen, it’s a hedonic treadmill, and it can never be enough. You will always continuously crave more and better endlessly not to mention the lives of your partners you will destroy.
There just seems to be something more meaningful and respectable about a guy who can control himself and build soemthing with one woman he loves. Not to mention the relationship itself is much deeper and stable and the headache, heartbreak and time you save yourself from chasing women.
This is in contrast to the guy who is sleeping around and chasing women into his 40s. It just seems like they are chasing sex endlessly like a heroin addict at that point. You don’t even have to look at older guys, young rich celebrities also screw themselves over chasing sex even quicker (i.e. Zion Williamson, Ronaldinho). I imagine it also can’t be good for your mental health knowing the only reason you are getting attention is cause of status.
Alot of r3d pill stuff andrew t@te BS is kinda running that whole hedonic treadmill to its logical conclusion. It’s just not sustainable and one must learn to control himself.
I don’t think it’s entirely impossible to control oneself either. I do think theres some ideas or some moral code or philosophy that can perhaps make it easier to understand this. There are plenty of rich, powerful and non relegious men with options who are choosing to be faithful although that is defintely a small minority. (Sam Harris, Maek Zuckerberg, Ricky Gervais etc.).
Those ideas are what I want to learn and understand cause where I’m at right now I have nothing but sheer willpower to depend on. There has to be more to this. I’m not someone with no moral compass, im genuinely trying to ask this in good faith and learn.
Tldr: Most men are faithful cause they don’t have options, have relegious guilt and fear societal repercussions. Very few men are able to stay faithful if we take these 3 away however it’s possible. Want to learn how.
14 comments
You’re right that there are pressures to keep people from doing a lot of things that society would see as wrong. But there are also people that don’t have a desire to cheat. Not everyone is running around dodging unfaithfulness on a daily basis.
There’s also the idea of impulse control that we all should’ve learned as children. If you find yours lacking to such a strong degree that it will affect your personal relationships, then you might want to talk to a therapist.
>I think most men stay faithful for 3 reasons: A)They dont have an abundance in oppurtunties with women and settle for whoever chooses them first. B) There are societal consequences for not being faithful, and they don’t want to be ostracized. C) They have relegious guilt. Fear of hell, God, etc, keeps them on the straight and narrow
I think the most common reason is their partner expects it and they have trust & respect for their partner. None of those things you listed have any meaning to me.
Some of us just have integrity and believe in keeping our word.
If I wanted to cheat, I’d end the relationship or propose an open relationship.
It takes willpower to adhere to an agreement one makes? Then don’t make the agreement and save the other party from heartbreak or just getting screwed by trusting you with a business agreement. That’s among the basics of being a decent person.
You could seek poly or open relationships, as long as both parties are fully aware and in agreement, if you can confine your inability to hold yourself to an agreement to just poor control of your small head.
I’m being nice here because I find the logic of your assumptions to be disgusting. I’m not sure if you’ve followed this logic out beyond the situation of the initial point, or if it’s a concept you follow for all your interactions.
I’m not sure how much monogamy is the natural order of things or just a byproduct of our culture. Either way it seems like the norm to me
It seems like the reasons not to that you listed are self-centered and I’d encourage you to consider a potential partners point of view. If you care about them, then not wanting to harm them through cheating should be reason enough
At a selfish level you could make an argument that your life might be better off over the long-term in a stable relationship (eg if you want kids) vs short flings
If you find it that hard not to cheat in a relationship you are with the wrong person. Find the woman that makes you not want anyone else.
None of your options actually apply to me. I’ve never cheated on any of my partners and I’ve had plenty of opportunities. I have been cheated on and know how much that sucks. If I’m unhappy with someone, I just leave them.
Its just empathy. They know it would hurt their partner if they cheated, so they don’t do it. Call that a moral code if you want, but to me it’s just the recognition of another person’s feelings and experience.
The fact that you didn’t even list anything about the effect cheating has on your partner makes me think you lack empathy. See a therapist. Or, accept that maybe monogamy isn’t for you. There’s no problem with non monogamy as long as you’re honest and ethical about it.
what i have is more important than what i might get. (she and i both have options, but value our relationship and the work we’ve put into it more than starting over with someone else.)
what i have is better than what i am likely to find. (my wife is amazing. while i don’t believe in soulmates or any of that crap, she would be difficult to replace.)
and that’s not who i am/want to be. (i’ve cheated on women before, and always regretted it. the benefits to me of staying in a committed relationship outweigh any potential gains.)
i’ll add i’m an atheist, and don’t really give a shit about what society thinks of my romantic habits, so your three guesses about why men are faithful don’t apply to me.
If you have ever been in a long-term relationship with someone you really love, you will add a factor to your moral matrix that not being faithful to your partner will destroy them emotionally. That’s all I really need.
I think if someone has an abundance of options, no societal consequences, or religious restraints, it seems to me their partners should come into the relationship with “eyes wide open” knowing that this person might be more likely to stray. People can intuit these things. I don’t know what terms of agreement are customary in these cases.
I stay faithful because sex is secondary to having a life partner and best friend, and while I do believe that sex is an essential part of a relationship, I believe that your partnership outside of sex is much more important. It seems like you’ve framed your relationships to revolve around sex. Maybe you have some negative opinions towards women in general. But if you do let a woman into your life and you treat her as not only your equal, but someone that actively enriches your life (and vice versa), then I think you would find it very difficult to hurt that woman by cheating on her for something as frivolous as sex.
Woman here. Frankly, if a man gave me the same list you wrote for why he’s not cheating on me, it would disturb me deeply and I would run, fast.
(I am aware that you wrote this in good faith and with the intent of being vulnerable and honest, so no judgement of you as a person, just my own feeling)
Because this list shows that there is no *inate* desire to be faithful to someone or to anyone. Only the fear of punishment preventing you from cheating. No sense of one’s own conscience or moral compass, no desire to be, very simply a good person, no wish to avoid inflicting pain on another person for selfish gains, no sustaining value given to the relationship or to the person.
This list seems to confirm one of the worst but most banal prejudice that exists against men : that they are never really capable or intent on being faithful, that it takes only one occasion and no fear of retribution for them to cheat.
Comments here at least seem to disprove that depressing notion and personally, I am glad.
Edit : I have read your post again. It also makes me question “religious upbringing”. Does it teach fear of punishment but doesn’t foster empathy ? As in “you are a bad person if/when you make God unhappy, not if/when you hurt others”. If so, that’s disturbing.
First I want to clarify: the list you wrote isn’t why men in general don’t cheat, but this list is the reasons why you feel you wouldn’t cheat.
Now to be a bit blunt: if you’re wondering how to stay faithful, you need to be able to consider the other person as a human being with feelings, and not just think selfishly ONLY about the consequences for you.
The thought of my fiancé heartbroken with tears in her eyes is something I would never in a million years want to see because I care about her and her well being so much. I would never want to be the person to cause her that much pain. I don’t treat the people I care about in my life like that. We both have options, but I value our life together and the relationship we’ve built over sex with a rando.
It might be best to be poly or ENM if you and your partner agree, but don’t go into a monogamous relationship with the mindset you currently have. I’d do some deep diving and reflecting on the religious shame bit – might have skewed your views on relationships, women, and sex.
What the fuck is even this take?
Its like how do people avoid murdering others all the time I can’t control my murdering urges so I just randomly kill, there are so many potential targets out there I just can’t stop myself?
Even better: There are so many sexy kids out there how can I stop myself from diddling kids? They are just so sexy and they can’t even fight back. There are so many of them! Stupid sexy children.
You’ve definitely got some kind of hangup and its better if you are eternally single and seek therapy. There is definitely shit to unpack there. Sane people do not put their need for gratification above others they are in a committed relationship to. Its not difficult.