Am I (30F) being oversensitive about only being invited to the “wedding dance” portion of my cousins (30F) wedding?
Both mine and my cousin’s weddings are coming up very soon. He’d said to expect the invite to arrive on the mail shortly, and I was hurt to see it was only an invite to the drinks and dancing afterwards.
I hadn’t actually heard of this being A Thing til recently when his sibling (28F) got married last year, and invited us to the same thing.
Myself and two siblings were super confused, so we messaged her fiance asking what it was we were invited to and he was super evasive and made it sound like we were going to the reception which is pretty common and made sense to us.
So we all made childcare and travel arrangements, get there and walk in at the correct time to find outselves awkwardly standing around while dishes are being taken away. My sister who was breastfeeding nearly lost the plot because no nibbles came out for hours and she’d been given the impression dinner would be served (the venue was on a farm so couldn’t just leave and pick up food ourselves at that point).
We were there at that point and didn’t want to spoil their day so sucked it up and mingled for a bit, but we were really hurt. Her and her brother are the closest family we have outside of our siblings, and they had been invited to my sister’s full wedding and were top of the guest list for ours. They’ve already got their Save the Dates.
We just tried to shrug it off in the end that they had a small guest list. But now it’s happened again with her brother’s wedding we are thinking maybe we just aren’t considered close family by them like we do?
Like I’ve heard of people being casually invited to the party after wedding formalities, but typically work collegues etc who aren’t super close but happy to party.
We only wanted to make the effort because we really care about these people and wanted to be there for the meaningful parts like the ceremony or even just the speeches etc. Those are the moments we’d always pictured them being a part of at our weddings.
I’d even taken a family heirloom I was going to gift them in addition to the cash gift, but I felt too foolish when I realized what was happening. I had made all the arrangements for the meaningful gift our parents gave them as well (they were invited to the whole wedding).
So now we’ve been put in the same position with her brother’s wedding and I’m not sure what to do, and whether we go and feel like schmucks or decline and risk causing drama. It’s a lot of expense and hassle to attend for just a couple of drinks, so I think we should decline? But then what do we do for our wedding? Keep them on the list as they were? Don’t invite them and replace them with friends we know will be excited to be there with us? My fiance joked they be the only four that get a “wedding dance” invite in return (we aren’t splitting our guest list otherwise).
Do we accept that we just aren’t seen as being as important to them and give up on that relationship? My thought are possibly their mother pressured them into inviting us somewhere and this was actually a strong hint to not come?
I could do with some hivemind input, I talked to some other brides about it but got told it is their day and weddings are expensive so they should be able to do the guest list as they like without drama. To be clear yes, they absolutely can do as they please. But in my shoes would you take that as a message that maybe we aren’t really wanted there?
TL;DR: both cousins only invited us to their after wedding drinks and dancing, when they have been top of our wedding guest list. Are they hinting they don’t want us to come, and we need to realise we aren’t as close as we thought? Would it be reasonable to remove them from our priority guest list?
EDIT: Thankyou so much everyone for your responses, I really appreciate all the input, they are all really helpful. I appreciate the space to have been able to vent about it too. I’m going to mull them all over and think what the best thing to do is, whether to talk to them about it or just quietly distance and reciprocate in kind.
The good news is we have really amazing friends who have literally dropped everything immediately, booked flights from other countries and are going to be so excited to be there for us on our day, and that’s what we will focus on.
38 comments
I see no problem either dropping them from your wedding or just inviting them for drinks after the wedding and the meal at the reception. By the way, you are not as close to your cousins as you thought you were.
They do not see you the way you see them. Just invite them to the same thing they invited you to.
I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t invite them to your wedding. Second tier guest invites are unbelievably tacky and rude and they send a clear message about where you stand with them.
Not being invited to a wedding is better than being invited to 1/3 of one. I would give your cousins the gift of a free day. Seriously, fuck them.
“Nah I’m not much for dancing, I think I’ll pass.
Would you have to send them new invitations? Cause that might be too petty and pretty obvious that you’re trying to be petty.
If you haven’t sent them out yet, then just invite them to the equivalent of what you were invited to.
It’s your wedding and you deserve to have people there that 1. Feel the same way about you as you do them 2. Love and respect you regardless of your political leanings and 3. Treat you how you deserve.
Dump them both from the wedding and invite the people who love you. That’s not being petty, that’s giving them the same energy as you are receiving.
You don’t even need to give an explanation. They don’t deserve one.
Edit to add – I remember in the mid 90’s going to my cousins wedding. After the reception about twenty people showed up and they were friends of the bride and groom. They’d been invited to the after reception drinks and dancing but all family were invited.
I have never heard of only being invited to just drinks after bothe the ceremony and the dinner.
I went to just the ceremony for a work mate, but just a work friend.
I’d be asking them the hard question of why you weren’t invited to the actual wedding. and then not inviting them in return.
So I think you should break this up in to pieces.
First, if you don’t want to spend money and time to go to a small portion of a wedding, that is totally fine! People decline wedding invites all the time due to cost, not being able to make the time, or having prior commitments. It is perfectly acceptable to decline and just send a note along with it that says you are sad to miss their day but have prior commitments and wish them well.
Second, it really isn’t normal to invite people only after dinner. I’ve heard of invites to the reception only because the ceremony is smaller/location doesn’t fit everyone, but inviting people to come only after dinner feels like a pure gift grab to me. Come stand around and dance, bring a present, don’t expect to be comfortable at all! Whatever the reason they are doing it- cost, they only include you out of obligation, whatever it is, you can decide that this isn’t something you want to spend your time and money on since they aren’t spending time or money on you.
Third, you can be hurt that you feel closer to them than they feel to you. Whatever the reason, you aren’t their inner circle of people, and it is okay to have feelings about it. You can adjust the relationship accordingly, without having to have some big drama or fight about it. We all see relationships change in life, and the best course of action is to just go with the flow and give the same energy you are getting.
Which leads me to finally, don’t invite them to your wedding if you don’t want to. Your wedding should be about being around the people that you love and that love you. If how they have treated you makes you feel like you don’t want them there, then don’t invite them. If there is any drama about it, just say “we of course had guest list limitations and unfortunately had to make tough decisions” and leave it at that. Drama tends to die down quickly if you don’t feed it.
And I would just say, do what you want. Wedding invitations aren’t a tit for tat, and you shouldn’t use them to make a point. If you want this family at your wedding, then invite them. If you want to be the “bigger” person, or if you want to be inclusive, or if you just don’t want to deal with drama, then invite them. You don’t have to treat them the same way they treated you, and sometimes just ignoring something and being inclusive anyway can make you feel good and right. On the flip side, if there are other people not making the cut so that you can invite these people, then cut them from the list. Don’t let a sense of family obligation cause you to have people around who you aren’t close to, or hurt your feelings.
They want a gift. But they don’t want to pay for you to go to the wedding is all I can think of. How big was the wedding?
You have been invited this way because they don’t want you there, but they want a gift from you. There is nothing tackier than a gift grab.
Politely decline.
Do as you wish for your wedding, and congratulations!
>It’s a lot of expense and hassle to attend for just a couple of drinks, so I think we should decline?
That’s what I would do.
>But then what do we do for our wedding? Keep them on the list as they were? Don’t invite them and replace them with friends we know will be excited to be there with us?
That is also what I would do.
>Do we accept that we just aren’t seen as being as important to them and give up on that relationship?
I don’t know about ‘give up’ exactly, but I think maybe you just dial it back. Put in as much effort in sustaining the relationship as they do. No more and no less.
Personally, I’m either invited to the whole wedding, ceremony and reception, or you can keep it. I’ve been invited to the church but mot the reception because they did want to spend on food. And visa versa. You start deciding who gets what, you can keep the whole lot.
Don’t go to his wedding and uninvited him from yours. BTW. My wife, who would never say anything bad about anybody, says your cousins are very disrespectful.
Good luck
This feels like they only invited you out of familial obligation and to get wedding gifts. I feel like if you wanted to invite them for drinks and dance only, it would be perfectly acceptable.
Match that energy.
If was me, I would treat them exactly as they have treated you. invite to just the after party. no need to bend over backwards for them. if they complain just iterate that you were returning the love. What are they going to do complain that they didn’t get to go to your wedding?
Don’t be petty, just go no contact with them.
I would straight up not invite them at all. How incredibly rude and disrespectful. You aren’t even worth feeding but they will accept your gifts? Nah. Invite other people who will be happy to see you married.
They definitely don’t have the same affection or consideration you do for them and quite honestly any invite would probably get refused. They’re family tho so I get it. In your shoes I’d call and just ask straight up:
“Would you like to come to the wedding as a complete guest and witness the ceremony? I just want to make sure you want to be there, rather than feel obligated.”
Don’t be afraid to express your hurt in not being considered family enough to see their ceremony, but also make it clear you do consider them to a great degree. Politics is a truly stupid reason to exclude someone from such a momentus part of your life and you might as well be telling them they’re not people you care to have as a part of your life in doing so.
A portion of my extended family is right leaning and catholic, while I’m left leaning and non denominated and I was still invited to my younger cousins entire wedding despite us not even seeing each other much. Yet we still love each other and neither of us would ever want the other to think we meant less to the other. Sorry you’re battling with this, I view my cousins as siblings and can certainly imagine the hurt you’re experiencing. Congrats on being in love tho fam 🥰😁🎉🥂
It sounds to me like they wanted a gift while not having to pay to host you. I also think it’s inappropriate that they didn’t clarify what the invite entailed. Whatever the reason is, I would not go to anything else.
I would be clear and let them know that you felt awkward and uncomfortable last time, and were surprised as you have felt close to them. Given that you just received the same type of invitation again you prefer not to put yourself in that situation again so you will politely decline and assume they are also not interested in attending your wedding, however if they wish to attend the after party you certainly will extend the same invitation you were extended.
They can try to act offended after that but really how can they? You are treating them exactly the same way they have treated you.
It is extremely tacky to invite people to the reception but not the wedding and even MORE tacky to invite them to half a reception. I would definitely lose their number and remove them from your guest list. What they did is nothing more than a tacky ass gift grab, what trash. Clearly they don’t care about you the way you thought.
I hope you were told a wedding gift was not necessary when they only invited you to the dance portion of the wedding because that is Tacky AF. I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t invite them.
Decline and remove them from your guest list. If they ask why, simply say that you got the hint loud and clear.
“As a wedding gift we made a donation to Planned Parenthood in your name.”
You know you want to.
I think it’s rude but apparently your cousin isn’t concerned about etiquette.
Agree with others, this is not your friend. Do with your own wedding what you will. I’d personally uninvite.
In the UK, evening only invites are a perfectly normal and non offensive thing. It’s not ‘second tier’ in the sense of you’re not important over here. I don’t know what the wedding culture is where you are so it may not matter. What I would say is if you’ve already accommodated them for the full day at your wedding and there’s no one else that they’re replacing that you actually want, does it matter that you’re only invited to their evening? Or post ceremony do? The ceremony is boring anyway so you can just sit in the bar and have a drink! Jokes aside, it is a bit petty and childish for the reasons you’re saying. Rise above it and invite them, or make a decision based on whether you want them there or not from what you can afford and who you want to witness your vowels.
Don’t be petty, just practical. Look at it as a kind of wedding business decision on their part. You didn’t make the family cut at either wedding?
They effectively are indicating you’re not worth their time or money, but certainly your gift.
Consider uninviting them, by telling them you need to curb wedding costs by limiting the dinner guests, based on their wonderful cost saving strategy. How could they be mad about that?
I’d also decline their invitation, explaining the cost value benefit reason, you don’t see spending so much money to attend the dance due the limited time you could spend with them.
I would take them off the guest list. If they ask why be honest – since they treated your invite like an afterthought you figured they wouldn’t be interested in attending your wedding.
I would have gotten the hint and realized they didn’t want me there and simply not invited them to my wedding and let the relationship take its course.
It’s really that simple.
Not sure why you need hivemind input for a basic falling out.
This is absolutely rude of them to do, especially if you had to travel in for their wedding. I would be furious if I had to arrange travel, hotel, etc. to not even be *fed*. It very much seems like a cash grab on their part as well, as I’m assuming you and any others invited to the post-dinner only gave gifts in line with those who were invited to the full reception.
This is a fairly common thing where I live. Wether it’s because the wedding venue is smaller than the reception venue or they just want a smaller intimate ceremony. We had separate invites for our wedding. Generally family and closest friends get invited to everything. And maybe distant relation, friends that aren’t as close, coworkers, or friends of the parents will maybe only be invited to the dance and drinks.
Personally I like not being invited to the actual ceremony. I can dress a little more casual, and it dosent take up my whole day.
If they don’t think they were causing drama by downgrading your invitations, then they can’t declare you’re causing drama by downgrading theirs.
I would decline the second tier wedding invite but still invite them to your full wedding as you intended.
If they make a stink about you not going to their second tier invitation simply smile and say “oh we didn’t want to burden you it seemed as if you really couldn’t afford to have everyone for the whole thing so we wanted to save you the trouble.”
And you would invite them to yours because that was what you had intended and you are not the rude assholes that they are.
Look, I wouldn’t go to his wedding, too much trouble for just a couple of drinks and not feeling welcomed.
I also wouldn’t change my invitation to them. Don’t look petty, you are not tacky like they are. Also, after you don’t go to this wedding, they very likely will decide to not go to yours, so you don’t have to do anything and the trash takes out itself!
I have never heard of this and it sounds incredibly rude. Either invite someone or dont, but inviting to see the food and fun they missed out on is horrible. Your cousins dont feel close to you and dont go to another one of these half assed receptions. Whether or not you invitw them to your wedding is up to you.
It’s fine to RSVP no to the invitation you received. If they actually make a big deal of that, you can say that it’s too much hassle to arrange travel and childcare just for an hour of dancing, but you wish them well.
If you haven’t sent out invitations yet, I wouldn’t bother inviting them at all. A Save the Date isn’t an obligation on either side.
I wouldn’t invite them at all, sounds like they invited you because they had to instead of actually wanting you to attend. I mean, WTF, who invites someone to drinks and not dinner at a wedding.. that’s just bullshit.
I think you need to ask yourself if it gets you what you want. I’m all about being petty when it makes me feel better, but I’m not sure this would. I think pressing them as to why you get the “no dinner” invite might be more helpful. Make them say it. Showing up to a room full of people who’ve just eaten must have felt horrible.