Now he’s out of control and I caught him hiding a bottle of vodka…who doesn’t share that when dating? Technically he didn’t lie but I feel very hurt and betrayed! Hell I was drinking with an alcoholic and was clueless!!! Trust me it becomes obvious fast enough! 😔
His adult daughter made a flippant comment like back when dad went to AA… this was three years into the marriage!!! I felt like someone punched me in the gut!
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Yes, I don’t know the etiquette on this, but one might certainly volunteer this knowing you might drink in front of him. Was he embarrassed to admit such a thing? The stakes seem to high to let that be the case.
Well, it isn’t your fault if he relapsed. Now you know, and you should obviously avoid drinking around him.
It seems he has been in denial about the extent of his problem, maybe for a long time. You might want to talk some more with his daughter about what happened in the past. Tell her he is back on the bottle, and you are very concerned and had no idea this was a part of his history since he never shared it with you. It might be good to find out the extent of the problem, like how long he was an alcoholic, how he behaved, what made him stop, etc.
Of course you have a right to make him choose – you or the alcohol. You don’t have to stick around if he doesn’t choose you. That is your right and your choice.
However, if he is an alcoholic that doesn’t mean he lacks integrity. He may be behaving badly because of the effects of the alcohol on his brain, not because he is inherently a dishonest person. Most alcoholics who are still drinking lie, cheat, steal, whatever because the alcohol is king. However, if he is willing to embrace sobriety, he may be a person of integrity when he is not drinking. If he WAS a person you could trust before he started drinking again, then he can be a person you can trust again. Even still, you don’t owe him any more chances if he is not willing to put the bottle down. Give him the ultimatum and act accordingly…I hope he chooses wisely.
That’s a really serious thing for him to just leave out. Vital information.
The fact that he’s out of control now and hiding alcohol– that’s such a bad place for him to be. Have you suggested that he go back to AA? Or is he claiming it’s not a problem and he can give it up any time he likes?
As an action plan, IF he drinks again: wait till the day after he was drinking. The next morning, when he’s feeling hungover and remorseful. At that point tell him he either goes to AA meetings & gets a sponsor or you’re divorcing him. & mean it.
Don’t bother confronting him the day/night he’s drinking because he’s full of false confidence & he won’t care what you say.
Hi alcoholic here: alcoholics who aren’t well invested in their recovery and sobriety will lie and live in denial about their problems. So just know from here on out, as long as he continues to spiral into his drinking, you will lose your husband as you married him. I strongly encourage you to have a come to Jesus talk with him about it because alcoholism can and will kill him. I’m sure not a lot of people commenting are alcoholics or addicts but this is a really big deal. I really hope he gets back on the wagon and back into AA. Please feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to, I’m happy to help. I met my husband after I got sober and from the start I was open about my substance abuse because staying sober is the most important thing in the world to me. I’m sad that wasn’t the case for him.
Start hitting Alanon meetings. People there can help. Good luck!
Ok so I married an alcoholic – obviously the 3 years we dated before we married he “mentioned he used to drink a lot of beer but I totally got it back under control” – so when I just saw the one beer he would have at night, I did suspect he was an alcoholic deep down (PEOPLE – TRUST YOUR GUT. Deep down, you’ll know something is wrong, all you need to do is respect that. Don’t try to deny yourself because you want to keep your head in the sand ). Turns out he was hiding whiskey bottles for I don’t know how long but I was REALLY naive about alcoholism, addiction, the capacity for people to say they love you but lie straight into your eyes every damn day. He didn’t tell hi this on purpose OP – obviously it was intentional be a use you don’t like being around it and he knew you felt that way. So rather than be honest with you and transparent, he decided he was going to take away your ability to make an informed decision about someone before you make the biggest decision of your life. The lie was about him keeping you in his life, it was not about trying to spare you from any harm or whatever. He may even try to shift blame a bit with this gem: “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would try to make me feel ashamed”. Be very careful about manipulating. addicts always keep a ring of enablers (tho well intentioned, sure) around them. Make sure you are not one of these people. I’d suggest OP goes to AL Anon on her own, let him know she’s getting educated. Also, couples counseling seems pretty necessary. Good luck with this one. I’d never date an addict ever again. They’ll burn their lives down, and all the people who love them . Mine finally drank himself to death almost 2 years ago. So, yeah.
He hid this part of himself from you AND his drinking was bad enough that his daughter asked him to go to treatment/AA meetings. This is a big deal and a lie of omission told by him. This is not your fault, it is his responsibility to get very honest with you right now. Drinking like this only gets worse without abstinence. Ask him to stop drinking or consider leaving.
Coming from someone who grew up with alcoholic grandparents in AA and spent a huge part of my childhood going to AA meetings with them, I can honestly tell you that if he had been ready to get sober and stay sober, he would have told you he was a recovering alcoholic. Most who have taken their sobriety seriously can be around others who drink and not drink themselves.
My grandparents and all their AA friends hung out with people who drank, and it didn’t bother them. But of course they had a few years in sobriety.
The fact he feels like he never had a problem to begin with says a lot about how he wasn’t ready to sober up in the first place and he didn’t take his addiction seriously.
One of the 12 steps is admitting you have a problem, and being honest about it to others
You can either get him help, or live with it, or leave. Because a alcoholic who believes he has no problem is only going to cause a lot of problems and heartache.
Good luck to you. I wish you the best.
Hi,
Recovered alcoholic here.
It doesn’t bother me when people drink around me because I did the 12 steps in AA and genuinely sought recovery.
It sounds like your husband just went to some meetings and is in full blown denial about his alcoholism.
Please do yourself a favor and head to Al-Anon.
Alcoholism is a hell of a disease and it will affect the entire family system 🙁