Looking for some advice. I have been dating my bf for about a year, known him for 3. We met at work.
I live alone and have for years. He has his own apartment and lives with several relatives; one brother in his 30s, his retired gam, and his youngest brother, a teen. They are four brothers in total, and one of the four lives elsewhere.
He brought up living together since we first started dating but I wanted us to get to know each other and asked for a year to see how we mesh. I have since finished my undergrad and I’m considering grad school. He wants to go to med school, and thinks we should move in together to simplify our lives
The problem is , he wants several relatives to live with us; retired grandma, and teen sibling. I’m fine with them. The uncle and aunt in their 90s, not so much. The 30 something brother is also concerning; he makes music and is underemployed.
We’ve talked a lot about it , and I’ve told him I don’t want to live in such a crowded space, especially since we both want kids. I don’t see how just us two working adults will be able to support a home with several other people (elderly aunt + uncle, retired gam, teenager, and brother I really don’t want but is currently in the picture) who can’t work for reason A or B. I’m seeing a future where he is in med school, I have a newborn, too many people in the house, and I’d be due back at work very soon to keep things afloat.
Yesterday we had an outright argument about it; usually we discuss the logistics of what might or might not work calmly. This time, it felt like outright pressure from him; what am I waiting for , things will be much easier once we finally make the move, etc. I’m not sold. What I see happening is my being extremely overworked in a very crowded house for years to come with the one silver lining of him earning his MD I suppose? I tell him my concerns, and he banks heavily on best case scenarios where his elderly relatives will not fall ill, or their social security is going to be enough help out as far as enough food for everyone while we , or I guess eventually I manage housing expenses.
There’s a million alarms going off in my head. I haven’t spoken to him much since yesterday. He keeps saying I should trust him, but the math isnt mathing. I’m taking some time to cool off and think. I’m leaning heavily on calling it off.
Does this whole live with extended family thing ever work out? The relationship works well outside of dependent relatives, but I’ve only ever heard horror stories
tl:dr- im unwilling to move in with my boyfriend because i would have to live with retired/underemployed extended family members while he prepares for med school and I work to help with expenses. Advice?
4 comments
Sounds to me like your life is simple enough.
This is one of those “compatibility” issues. He wants a house full of people living with him, but he’s not the one who’s going to be managing the house. This isn’t a good deal for you. Unless he’s willing to hire help, I wouldn’t.
Do not do it !! If you guys are going to move in together it should just be you two .
I dodged the bullet when my ex wanted us to move in together finally after 6 years but wanted his mom to join us. It lead to an argument and honestly ended our relationship. So maybe be prepared for the same if he does not budge on it just being you two .
Sounds like hell and would be a dealbreaker for most people, just go your separate ways.
Do not move in with your boyfriend. Even if he somehow agreed now to just live with you, you will spend your whole life arguing about if Relative X, Y, and Z can move in or just stay for a week. I’m also seeing a situation where you become the “mom” of the house and are constantly asking them for chores, or rent money, taking care of them because he is too busy with med school to do that.
I know you didn’t mention it, but there is also the question of if you will have aging relatives in your future that you may need to house/take care of. Would you be able to move in your elderly parent if the house is already filled with his relatives? Maybe that’s not a concern for you, but something to consider for your future if it is.
I can’t imagine that life with him is going to go well. Not only are the relatives an issue, he is also dismissing your very real concerns because they interfere with what he wants. Does he have a pattern of this?
I don’t think he is the guy for you.