We have been together for six years. Since the day I met her she has been like this way. Over the years we have had many conversations about how I want her to be cleaner and that it drives me insane.
She will leave dirty dishes and ingredients out for weeks. She will get home and throw her stuff everywhere and just leave it there for days. She has two pets that have long hair and they are rarely brushed so she lives with hair everywhere. The one pet throws up almost daily and the piles are left there for days/weeks. She will leave her nail clippings and skin bits on what ever flat surface she can find. There is a mountain of dirty clothes on the floor. Clean clothes are thrown in a different pile.
Also the trash can is nonexistent. Wrappers, food that’s gone bad, junk mail, etc. are thrown anywhere and everywhere and left there for months.
She also treats her stuff horribly. Her car is a pile of crap largely from her not doing timely maintenance.
She will slam cupboards, throw stuff around, etc. It makes me nervous when she wants to use something of mine.
I understand that her job is physically and mentally demanding but she has three days off a week so she can’t use those as excuses. We have had conversations and it’s gone nowhere. I usually get a nasty response from her or a denial that she is that bad. She wants to buy a house together but I don’t want her to mistreat my stuff and for her to continue her slobby habits.
6 comments
It can be really difficult when you live with a partner who does not have the same standard of cleanliness as you which I learned twice in my life lol! My ex and the father of my son and me were together for like five years sharing the same house and I was the clean one and he was not and it was a nightmare on earth. We got in disagreements pretty much every day. Same as your girlfriend he couldn’t even pick up after himself or went off a plate it drove me too insanity. Then once we broke up and I moved in with my current boyfriend he was even cleaner than me and I was the dirty one! So basically we had to have a really honest discussion where it wasn’t about hurting feelings where we just told each other the standards for the house and what the deal breakers would be and we have stuck to it since, a year later! I know that his absolute pet peeves are stuff just sitting in the sink, laundry laying out that has not been folded and any type of like liquid spilled on the countertop so I make a diligent effort that even if I think the house looks good I go back and make sure that none of them are going to upset him when he gets home. If she has been told time and time again and she is just not doing anything then she doesn’t give a crap because it was super easy for me to up my cleaning habits so that my partner was comfortable in the shared space that we have together and that is what your partner needs to do for you as well or else you are really better off living alone so that you don’t have to have that added stress of not only a partner who doesn’t clean but one that doesn’t care about what you’re saying and doesn’t make any effort to adjust.
Why did you choose to cohabitate with someone who has drastically different living conditions expectations as you do?
You don’t have to break. You could just leave. I don’t mind mess but this sounds like a dump.
6 years? How the fuck have you stayed that long? Is the sex that good? Really?
So since you met her, you knew she had different standards for cleanliness than you.? When you began to live together, did you expect her to change? This is how she is. So you have a choice… accept her habits or don’t. One choice leaves you with a messy house. The other leaves you single (or at least living alone). Neither choice is ideal but one is preferable to the other for you. Just remember that hoping for change is usually a waste of time. People rarely change unless they’re deeply motivated for personal reasons.
If you’ve reached your breaking point, then you need to let your partner know.
Nobody is going to disagree with you that your partner’s habits are outright disgusting, but she’s been this way since the beginning of your relationship and seemingly hasn’t changed a single bit in the 6 years you’ve been together despite your endless attempts at making her improve.
If she’s not willing to at least try to change her habits, that’s fine. But it’s equally fine if you’ve just had enough at this point and don’t want to buy a house or even share a living space with someone with those habits. I couldn’t personally do it either and I’m not even a particularly tidy person. I probably couldn’t even be attracted to a person who lived the way you describe.
You don’t say anything about what kind of conversations you have had exactly, but have you ever asked her what her reasoning is? Does she feel good with trash everywhere? Why does she have pets if she can’t take proper care of them? Why doesn’t it occur to her that when things get dirty or crusty or turn into actual hazards that she should probably take care of it?